My 15 year old son is smoking regularly, and I am desperate to convince him to stop

[claraschu]

I know that I am quite powerless, and risk alienating him and destroying our relationship, but I am so upset. Both of his grandmothers were smokers, and my MIL died of lung cancer, and my mother died of a series of strokes.

He thinks he is not addicted, can stop whenever he wants, etc, but he has been smoking for over a year, lying skilfully and concealing the tobacco. He can still go for days without smoking (I think), and doesn't smoke a great deal, but it is more than just occasional.

I have begged and pleaded, taken away his tobacco when I have found it, and probably done the wrong thing being extremely emotional both about the smoking and about the lying. I know that people who start smoking when they are under 15 have a doubled risk of lung cancer, and 30% of them will continue smoking and die early.

I am hoping for advice about how to get him to stop and how to not further poison our relationship.

I would be really grateful for a few links to show him that are graphic and maybe relevant to teen smoking in particular.

Thank you for any help, advice, things I can show him-

To be honest I don't think you can stop him, and whilst you can give him facts then the more you push him to stop the more he is likely to 'rebel' and continue.

What I would suggest is not allowing him to smoke in your house or garden, which will make it more hassle to go for a smoke, and not financing the habit or buying cigarettes or tobacco for him as it is a very expensive habit so he probably won't be able to afford to smoke much, hopefully having no money will be off-putting.

I smoked from 16-18 and on and off until 21 when I stopped for health and financial reasons. I would never start again, mainly due to the cost.

Thanks for the different perspectives everyone-

Namechanger, I am struggling with feeling that we gave him too much independence and trusted him too much, and that our give-and-take, open minded family ethos, which seems to work well for his siblings, has got him into trouble.

Unfortunately, Holiday, his girlfriend is a smoker, and they smoke together.

I am feeling cheered up by all of you who managed to quit, especially because he isn't in a high risk group, but a lot of the statistics about teenage smokers are pretty chilling. 90% of adult smokers start before age 18, and a third of teen smokers die early from smoking related illnesses.

Claras- if I had my time again I would have given DS less freedom at 13-14 years as that is when he started smoking (and I'm talking about weed ) and I did not know for a long time.
However as you know they are expert liars and we didn't have they benefit of hindsight then ! So don't feel bad - there's no point. After all you don't smoke so you are setting a good example and what more can you do ? As time goes by DH and I are more convinced DS has to find his own way, subject to a few house rules !

it is his funeral, although he won't see it like that. Nice of his friends to give him drugs - anyone selling it to him is breaking the law.

don't let him smoke within 100 metres of the house, fire risk as well as stink. Tell him to stop insulting your intelligence by lying, it is obvious that he smokes. Don't give him any cash - he can work for it.

beyond that and informing him how stupid this is, not much to be done.

tbh I agree with claybury about letting him find his own way. My parents are still attempting to live my dbros life when he cocks it up and he will be 40 next year. If he'd ever forgotten to mot his car or other bizarre admin they deal with he would have remembered the next time and the world would not have ended. I moved away so they could stop attempting to live my life (all with very best intentions).
I think regarding my ILs they had to accept that a more laissez faire attitude meant their children would make choices they might not agree with. Sometimes I think they should intervene with dh sister but overall I really respect that they see their children as people with the right to make their own choices.

I think finding the balance between being controlling and abdicating responsibility is the biggest challenge of having teens.

There is a difference between confiscating (illegally purchased) tobacco from a 14 year old and taking care of your 40 year old son's MOT, though I agree with manechanger and claybury that me trying to live my son's life for him isn't helping any of us.

I feel like I have got the balance all wrong at the moment, and it has been really helpful hearing everyones ideas and choices.

i dont think you can stop him tbh

Well, it may be addictive but, funnily enough people can stop.

My neighbor was diagnosed with lung cancer last year and she's stopped.

I smoked for years on an off but now think that it is not as addictive as you think, it is a life choice. Or those with life threatening conditions wouldn't stop (ok a few keep smoking but it is a few). Also he can move onto electronic cigs in the future which have fewer risks.

I would make rules such as no smoking in the house or around you. And leave him to it (apart from the occasional 'your breath stinks' or whatever). The only prob would be if it went on to smoking cannabis or similar, is that likely? Does he have plans and hopes for his future eg a career?

My son never smoked because he was into sport, any chance of your DS getting into something there?

He will do it secretly if he wants to so I feel you could be wasting your time.

claraschu, obviously there is a vast difference and I am being a bit of a devil's advocate and just wanted to put across your son's point of view, and also the extremes of attempting to prevent your kid making mistakes. Personally I think a smaller mistake earlier is a good life lesson to prevent later mistakes. I smoked and my non-smoking bro regularly took acid, speed and ecstasy that my parents didn't know about. I got a lot of flak and he didn't but realising what addiction was about via smoking and realising I was an addict stopped me launching into other drugs.

Im not trying to say that you should pat him on the back and buy him some fags as I think all parents need to make their boundaries clear and be consistent, but just don't labour it. Set out the situation, your feelings, your rules, consequences if broken etc then don't lecture him. I was always surprised that my dad, who I thought was really clever, really had no idea about reverse psychology. He also used to say he hated smokers and I just used to feel that probably included me, I'm not sure it's a great thing to say around an adolescent and I didn't ever feel I could be myself around them and I felt I had to live up to some perfect ideal that wasn't me. We get on really well now but I still don't think this aspect of his parenting was his finest hour.

I did speed, acid and e as well as smoking. It's the fags that have caused the damage to my health though - those other drugs are far less addictive and were very easy to leave behind when I grew up.

Thanks again for all the responses.

My son is working hard towards his chosen career, and his smoking is secretive and infrequent. I worry because I can't get him to talk about it or see that it is easy for this to become a problem. I know that there are worse things he could be doing, but after seeing my mil die of lung cancer I just feel I would do ANYTHING to stop him.

Thanks again; I will try to calm down about it and not alienate him

Clara, I would feel the same in your shoes. My mums dad died of cancer and was a heavy smoker although it was oesophegus (sp?). Its a really tricky balance, I hope i haven't been too preachy, I thought maybe I'd come back to this thread in 4 years and let you know how I've dealt with teen stuff. I'll probably end up massively overreacting and putting my foot down despite my current relaxed attitude - I know I'm quite a control freak. I hope you find a way to get through to him but it sounds like he's doing well in general and probably knows this stuff and will not let himself get into a bad place.

Plenty, it was coke where I think I made a sound choice informed by having already been an addict. I also experimented as a teen but largely out of my system by working age. Worked in an industry where coke was pretty normal some of my (previously) cleaner living friends fell off the wagon and were quite affected by it, I think it didn't do much for their mental states even if it wasn't as physically damaging as smoking.

Manechanger, you haven't been preachy at all.You've been very helpful.

I guess my advice, with hindsight, to anyone who is inclined to be trusting of their kids, is to keep a close watch when they are 13-15. Once you have given them freedom it is hard to go back.

Also, be really clear ahead of time about where you stand on all the difficult issues, and why you feel the way you do. Don't be embarrassed to talk about sex, and don't assume they know how insidious addiction can be.