Thank you for your responses. Only just logged in to see them.
I made an error - I was going to say my stepdaughter but since it's not technically correct I was supposed to change it to my partners daughter - but forgot to delete "step" !!
I've no real experience with teenagers so your views are welcomed - thank you.
She is very needy and clingy. Just a simple task like getting changed is greeted with "well can someone come and help me choose what to wear?" She rarely does any household chores because, when asked to do so, she asks for moms help constantly or does such a 'bad' job (ie screwing clothes up and hanging them that way on the washing line) that mom decides it's too much effort. Homework requires moms (or someones!) input. She expects to sit with somebody to do it and on one occasion recently when she had about 4 pieces in one night and mom told her she wasn't sitting with her through all 4, she started with her moods and going about like she's upset. There don't seem to be many personal boundaries.... mom found it odd a couple of months ago that her daughter got into bed and cuddled her with no clothes on - although she did tell her to put something on. I think the same applies with her dad too as I've heard a couple of times that she goes and gets into bed with him in the night.
She has the whole family, family friends and school running around, keeping 'secrets' for her. These secrets are petty... she'll come home from staying with her dad for the night and go on about how dads said this, that and the other and told her off for something but always finishes it with "but don't tell him I told you". Mum then gets angry and frustrated with dad but of course won't say anything. She goes to dads complaining about what mom does or says and of course he keeps that to himself at her request. There are a few close family friends with whom she does the same thing - except they're a bit more open and it comes back to mom - even to the extent she's lying about things to gain sympathy. She then goes to school complaining about all sorts - friends, home etc and teachers have been known to phone mom as her daughter asks them to. She's been to camhs (sp) who discharged her as she had no 'real' issues other than normal teenage problems which all teens have. Mom has since set up counselling through the school - this lasted for a few months until they decided there was nothing major to be dealing with and now counselling outside of school is being set up at her daughters request. She's tried it on a couple of times with me too - "moms not in a good mood today but don't tell her I told you". It makes me very uncomfortable and I have said I won't be keeping any secrets from her mom. I don't think I was liked much for a short time after that! It doesn't, however, prevent her from asking for hugs constantly.
I don't know if anyone else has experience of teens with this sort of behaviour - how best to deal with it?
She seems to get on well at school - teachers don't report any problems. She does struggle with friends in that she gets one and clings to them drastically, so when that friendship deteriorates or something goes wrong, she's left badly affected by it. She still talks a lot about a friendship that broke down 2/3 years ago. She did, at the time, get an enormous amount of attention from mom though and they talked about it for a couple of hours every single night! It was made into a huge thing and I think mom might have been just as affected. So, now I personally think she brings this girl up again when there's nothing else she can say to get moms sympathy, if that makes sense?
FernieB you hit the nail on the head. Everyone is scared of upsetting her. It's very frustrating for me as I encourage independence as far as is possible with my child and I see him doing, at 4, what she can't (or wont) do at 14 and it feels like something is drastically wrong. I see her younger sibling going down the same path too as she's prevented from 'growing up' - helicopter parenting, everything done for her, choices taken away from her, not being allowed to make mistakes. As a result, she can't make decisions for herself such as which toy to play with. She can't self soothe. She's 6 in a few days but is still very much a toddler in ways. School have raised concerns over her inability to dress herself when it comes to PE - it results in tantrums and there are concerns over her overall level of development including speech.
We don't all live together but we spend considerable amounts of time together and have been together for a couple of yrs almost. The teen in question is the biggest influence in that decision. Might be a bit too much info - but when we first got together, for about 6 months we couldn't sleep together (as in same bed) even though she knew we were together as mom was scared of upsetting her and so when I stayed over, she slept with mom and I had to sleep in her bed. Even now - sex depends upon whether or not she is home and so is rare. I'd love to know how parents of teens manage to have a sex life!! Do you?
Anyway, I think I've rambled enough. I just wanted to answer some questions and I don't think I provided a clear enough picture in the initial post. As I said before, I've little experience with teens and so some of what I consider 'odd' might actually be very normal behaviour. I know that. I'm hoping those with more experience will enlighten me!
Thank you again for your replies :)