Another one on 13 yo girls!!

[KidsDontThinkImCool]

Maybe we should start an ongoing support thread for parents of 12-15 yo girls? An ongoing thing like they have for other stuff...?

Anyway, aside from the moods and the tantrums and the 'I hate you' etc, the specific problem at the moment is this - DD stays late at school 2 days a week for sports. When she stays late, it means I stay late at work until it's time to collect her and her younger brother has to hang around in the library until she is ready. I don't really mind, except that she is never ready at the agreed time and she is just beginning to take the piss. She wants to stay even later to hang out and supposedly do homework with her friends before coming home. But that means that DS & I also have to wait around for her instead of being at home relaxing or making dinner like I want to be.

If she finishes at 4:15, she wants to be collected at 5. I tell her 4:30 is the latest but she still doesn't turn up until 4:50. There's always some excuse - I had to go back for my bag, I coudln't find my glasses, I had to go to the loo and the nearest ones were closed so I had to walk all the way to the science block etc, etc. I end up sitting around in my car for 20 or 30 minutes every time adn I feel like such a mug.

Her dad & I aren't together anymore and getting help from him is like asking a hive of angry bees to help you get some honey - you might get what you're after but always at a price. I try to discipline her when we get home (if she's 15 minutes late then that's 15 minutes off her bedtime or 1/2 hour less of telly). But when she's in one of her 'moods' nothing i say makes the slightest bit of difference. If I try and take her phone or tablet off her she will literally fight & punch me to get it back. Unless she has a party or something coming up that I can refuse to drive her to, nothing seems to matter to her.

How do I put a stop to this without ending up in a battle or letting her walk all over me?

I'm probably being naive, but could you initiate a conversation with your ex explicitly to reach an agreement on these issues that are causing you real problems?

Even if there are many areas on which you disagree, I can't imagine how unreasonable he would have to be to refuse to co-operate if you explain that you need him to back you up on key issues relating to DD, such as her keeping you waiting. By undermining you, or taking DDs side, surely he is contributing towards her becoming an entitled and thoughtless person.

I can't imagine how unreasonable he would have to be...

Consider yourself lucky - hopefully you will never be able to imagine it.

He truly, truly is THAT UNREASONABLE. Not always, although that kind of makes it worse because there are days where I'm still tempted to ask him for help. Sometimes I explain her behaviour to him and he backs me up. Sometimes he tells me he simply doesn't want to know. And sometimes (this one is the real winner), he tells me what horrible parent I am, she NEVER behaves that way for him (pauses to polish his halo), that he doesn't blame her for not following any of my rules (like insisting she not kick me while i'm driving) and that he should probably just report me to social services.

When I begged him to back me up re taking her phone and/or tablet off her for swearing/hitting/kicking he told me he didn't approve of my parenting decisions and would not back me up. When she ran off one day (broad daylight, safe neighourhood, she had her phone with her, I knew she would be back soon) he believed her when she said I'd actually locked her out of the house and threatened me with lawyers and a custody battle. On mornings he is supposed to take her to school or put her on the bus, if she refuses he just drops her at my door even though he knows how much trouble I have with her on the school run.

I'm with Tantrums. I'd make her walk/make her own way home if she was late.
I have a 13yo dd and a 12yo. They can get buses and trains when they need to. It's a quickly learned skill.

Or how far is it if she has to walk the whole way home? Probably far enough that she won't do it twice.

You maybe can't win the phone battle if her father doesn't back you up but you don't have to do the lifts and being made to wait.

She really must be incredibly angry. Do you think it is worth giving her the chance to express some of her emotions in other ways? Rather than giving her ultimatums, before that you could find out something about how she is feeling in general. I think if you are feeling hurt and confused by your exh situation, she must be picking up a lot of it. If you think about how it would be be if you had to work fulltime...how would she get home then? It wouldn't be personal, just the way things were.
The Explosive child by Ross Green is a very good book for how to come up with ways to deal with children who react very erratically when asked to do things. I recommend it, as a different approach.

Being firm is good, but not if under that she is a seething volcano. I don't think you can win that one in the long term.

Thanks swan, I will look at that book. I do try giving her a chance to express herself but it can be really hard to get anything out of her. I think she gets really overwhelmed by her emotions sometimes but she's such a closed book - she won't talk to anyone. The whole thing makes me very sad sometimes.