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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Worst mum.

17 replies

DrewsWife · 11/03/2014 13:38

I have asked my 17 1/2 to leave..... I am quite possibly the worst mother possible. I have brought her up from a young age. On my own but she steals and lies and cheats. She won't help, won't he a job, won't go to college. Won't go to a voluntary job.

I work stupid hours. She won't help about the house. Makes a major mess. Cooks almost entire packs of freezer food, won't contribute and I broke.

I came in from work at 1am to see her on the sofa still in Jammies having not done dishes or put on a washing like she was asked.

I have just done a 70 hour work week in 5 days and I have 5 back shifts lined up. 6-2am.

The cats haven't been fed and the crap she leaves at her arse is out of order.

I went to the bathroom today to see the jeans that I had left on the floor when I went for a shower have been emptied of. £5 odds in change. Found it in her dressing gown pocket. Her room which I have gutted several times is a tip. I physically cannot walk into it. But her make up is done.

I'm tired of arguments. And tired or being the bad guy. My hubby isn't her dad ...... Hmm Her dad is a waste of space who since I left when she was 18 months old, has never paid a penny in CM. I have brought her up entirely on my own.

OP posts:
Original poster
DrewsWife · 11/03/2014 13:39

Hubby at present is on a 27 hour shift and will be back later.

OP posts:
chattychattyboomba · 11/03/2014 15:34

You aren't the worst mum. You sound like you are doing what is needed. She deserves a wake up call. I should think this will be it. As someone who has worked since the age of 14 and 9 months (legal working age) and been brought up by my grandparents, and had to contribute, I am very aware of the fact that things don't just come to you, you have to work for them. YourDD sounds like she is in a bit of a rut. Maybe she doesn't have the confidence to go out there and make something of herself, but the only thing that will give her that confidence is, guess what? That's right, getting stuck in and doing something, anything to better herself. Tough love but you are doing the right thing.

Topseyt · 11/03/2014 18:44

Sometimes the right decisions are the hardest ones to make.

You don't sound like a crap mum to me. You sound like one who has reached the end of her rope here. A wake-up call will do your daughter no harm at all.

girliefriend · 11/03/2014 18:51

Not the worst mum at all, my dd would be out if she behaved like that as well!! Do you think she is depressed?

flow4 · 12/03/2014 14:15

No, you can't be the worst mum in the world because that's me; DS1 told me so!

Seriously, it's unfair and infuriating. You are not being unreasonable - she is. She's old enough and capable enough to help out. I did the same with my own DS at about the same age, so I know how desperate and angry you have to be to get to this point, and how bad you feel.

Did you mean it? Will she go?

Sending you good wishes DW.

Original poster
DrewsWife · 12/03/2014 16:11

Yeah I meant it. I am at my wits end wit her attitude and how everything is my fault. She then pointed out how she will be murdered sleeping in the streets.

Got a text from her asshole dad to say she is at his and wants to meet me and my hub and he is ver upset at how DD has been treated. I have yet to reply. Needless to say... He can get on with it. Today I'm angry. Yesterday I was in tears. I'm sure it won't last forever but the house is peaceful today. And I start work soon.

Hubby and I are trying to conceive too and I feel a little bit upset that the first is screwed up and it's not how I brought her up. Hmm

OP posts:
chocoluvva · 12/03/2014 20:16

I remember your thread about getting her part-time voluntary work.

My oldest is the same age - hasn't left home yet - but honestly, the number of people who say their DC have grown up so fast once they've left home.

Lots of 17YOS are still very immature - they don't need to take responsibility for themselves, so they just don't. She'll turn out fine I'm sure.

Enjoy your peaceful home and hold your nerve.

flow4 · 13/03/2014 07:57

If her dad is around and involved, then I say it's his turn. :) Lots of kids move to live with the other parent at this age. It's not unusual, and it seems to me like a reasonable solution.

Don't worry, she's not 'screwed up' permanently. It seems to be a stage for some young people. My DS1 was utterly appalling at this age (all you describe and worse)... But he's settled down now, grown up, become more responsible and is on his way to becoming a decent human being. :) Give your DD a couple of years and I bet she'll be OK too...

Original poster
DrewsWife · 13/03/2014 14:01

Thanks Ladies xx. I'm refusing to answer his calls and texts today. Hubby is at work. Cats are out and I'm curled on the sofa enjoying the quiet and calm.

I don't regret putting her out. Not for a second. I do regret the harsh words all around.

OP posts:
hamptoncourt · 13/03/2014 17:49

Can she come back though Drew? Does she have a key or have you changed the locks?

Otherwise XH may just being her back......

I agree with PP that he should take his turn and see how draining it is. When I had to get my 16 year old DD to leave for a while, after months of her "threatening" to live with her DF, he wouldn't have her!!! Wasn't convenient but of course they always have plenty to say about how their kids are being "treated".

Stick to your guns and tell him it is better for both of you that she stays with him for a while, and that if he is that worried about how you treat DD he would surely welcome the decision to make a better job of it himself.

Good luck.

Original poster
DrewsWife · 14/03/2014 09:40

One of her favourite lines to yell at me is ... Go phone my dad!!! To which I replied. I'm not a secretary. You wanna call your dad you do it. So far she hasn't made it back. Her dad is always telling me how rubbish I am as a parent and used to frequently report me to social workers.

One time they took her off me for a week before they realised that was how Ex punished me. Sad

I laugh now when she tells me how bad I am. I brought that kid up. On my own. Worked 2 jobs to do it as well.

Her dad did nothing but place barriers between her and I. Tell her how stupid I am. She says she respects me. But I see it in her face.

DH and I are heading off for a weekend. I have been working crazy hours!

OP posts:
flow4 · 14/03/2014 10:09

Have a lovely break. :)

mathanxiety · 14/03/2014 15:20

Make sure your house is secure and she can't get in while you're gone.

Does your exH have a partner? If yes, then I suspect your DD won't last long there.

Original poster
DrewsWife · 15/03/2014 09:23

She lasted 2 days. His wife hates her. Has known her since she was 7 and never allowed her to stay. Sad. She stayed with her gran and is back in our home town and appears to be staying with friends.

Drew is the chink in the armour he is very soft and believes she is just a wee soul. I am her mum so I see the reality. She didn't go to her appointment with careers Scotland on Friday either... There's a surprise!

House is locked and we are just setting of for two days away. I neeeeed the break xx

OP posts:
flow4 · 15/03/2014 10:43

It is sad. It might even explain her awful behaviour. My DS's dad has never been in contact much, but he left the country and cut contact shortly before DS went off the rails. He had (and still partly has) a huge sense of grief and rejection, which he turned into inertia or anger instead. Every time he was in trouble, or an adult was angry with him, or he felt bad about something, it was as if he tapped into this 'reservoir' of bad feeling, and reacted with anger or attack or by making things worse for himself in a sort of "If they're rejecting me anyway I might as well give them a REASON" sort of way... And to avoid the difficult emotions he couldn't handle, he avoided doing things - for example not doing school work to avoid criticism...

It was sad to watch, and awful to live with. I could see he was unhappy, but that explanation was not an excuse, and he still needed to learn not to avoid effort to avoid stress, and not to 'kick out' every time he was upset.

I don't know if this rings any bells with you. I do think a lot of teenagers 'act out' emotions they can't handle through self-harm or anti-social behaviour, and of course their closest parent bears the brunt of it. Maybe that's true for your DD too.

Have a good weekend away. You need to recharge your batteries, whatever. :)

Original poster
DrewsWife · 18/03/2014 11:43

DD popped in to collect a bag Of clothes. Didn't speak to me. Left me a note saying I have to contact her dad ASAP as he is furious that I have refused to answer his text message. And she says if she doesn't hear from me that she will start flat hunting. Hmm

I don't answer to her dad. I have no wish to talk to him anymore. I have had enough of him over the years.

Sad she didn't wake me from my sleep. I work nights.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 19/03/2014 05:39

Flat hunting sounds like a great idea.

Ignore both her and her dad.

Many teens manage to be responsible parents themselves at her age.

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