DD, just 15, total lack of respect (long)

[fatcheeks1]

Hi, I've posted about my daughter before under different names.She is my eldest, only girl, just turned 15.Academically very bright, is just about doing the work, just about getting to school each day.I work long hours and am often gone way before she leaves.She has been on punctuality report.
The problem is, her going out and not coming back on time, or, as in last nights case, at all.She is at a friends but before she went out, I said she wasn't to stay over, but she has.She doesn't go out much but when she does she is never back on time, she is then grounded and when that is lifted she goes out and it happens again.It's about the trust, I feel that is gone and I am in tears thinking about how she feels it is ok to worry me this much.Her trick is to turn her phone off and her friends do the same so that I panic as I think all sorts (as you would).
The other month she got drunk for the 1st time and luckily I was able to get some sense out of her and managed to pick her up but it was nearly 12 at night and I was soooo scared .She was really sick and I had to sleep with her to stop her jumping out of her bedroom window.

She has just had a birthday where we didn't buy her anything as I couldn't afford it but she had just come back from a school trip to Rome and had had loads spent on her for clothes and stuff before then.
When she got drunk she did say stuff about not feeling loved enough, that she thinks we favour her younger brother more(not true) and I know she has massive self esteem issues.We were close, we always talked.I know she misses me but I have to work and she knows I am not doing this through choice.I can't do anything to reduce my hours(I'm a teacher) and I often have work to do in the evening, or I am so tired I fall asleep.

Her dad did put a tracking APP on her phone which is well and good when it is switched on.He has done this because of her behaviour in the past and us both needing to know where she is.I am not happy about this as she doesn't know but we can't trust her.She will be grounded today and we will take everything from her but how can we rebuild that trust if we don't let her out? I don't want her to go out as I feel I can't trust her.It's a vicious circle.Why should she be allowed to get away with this when effectively she is doing what she wants whenever she chooses to make these decisions.Her friends sound feral, they walk the streets past midnight, they have probably told their mums they are at so and so's house.My DD was probably doing the same.
I would not have dreamed of treating my mum like this, I know these are different times but even so.It's that lack of. . .I don't know,respect, courtesy.
Her dad and I argue about her all the time now, SHE is the cause of all of our rows.I know it isn't mature but we are not speaking as I know he blames me but I didn't know this was going to happen! He is a parent too, why leave it all up to me? She knows we argue about her.
I know she has friends who are just beginning to lose their virginity, I feel so scared for her, being out, being with boys, doing stuff with boys, not telling me as our relationship is so crap.I don't even know if she is with a boy! I know she liked one and was still talking to her ex.I'm sorry this is so long.What do I do? I can talk to her when I've calmed down but I feel so upset and angry that she thinks so little of us to do this.

Just found out from DH that she was walking around the local area of her friends at 1.30 this morning:>(. I can't get my head around this I really can't.I thought sleepovers were sleepovers not gooutandwalkthestreetsovers!

Sorry if any of this comes across harsh but:

What is she getting from her friends that she isn't getting from you? Why does she want to be with them? I suspect, from what you have written it is being listened to, fun, able to let hair down, feeling wanted etc. You say that you are taking stuff off her - try the tact of 'DD your shoes are falling to pieces, how-about we nip into town later and get a new pair? to spend some time with her.

Families have to spend time together for them to function. You need to re-establish the relationship before you can set or enforce the rules. At the moment, to her, you are nothing more than a nag - would you want to spend time with someone who only goes on about school work, tidy room, pick up after yourself, why are you late etc

This is easy to type but much much harder to do in reality but I think you also need to rethink your working situation. It doesn't sound as if you are very happy never mind anything else going on. If you are tired or stressed all the time, then you are bound to have less patience with those around you.

so she agrees to the grounding?
cant she agree to the time to come home?

have a chat with here. about her bheaivour.
and with boys, well, that wil happen like it or not. but she needs some self respect.

My sympathies. She sounds like a wilder version of my DD who is now 17.

Has she always been stubborn/strong-willed? I doubt she's staying out just to get at you. She probably thinks you have no need to worry. (I used to think my DM was ridiculous for worrying about my safety too ) Your DD doesn't have the maturity to realise that you're being reasonable. Like many other teenagers she has temporarily lost her ability to empathise and her judgment about risk-taking is underdeveloped at this age. So don't take her disregard for your feelings personally. She will see your concern for her safety and welfare as unreasonable and your problem. Unfortunately. (In a few years she'll look back and feel terrible about putting you through this worry.)

Don't let her see that you are (understandably) stressing about her behaviour. She needs to feel secure in your ability to deal with things still. Find a way to have something you enjoy independently of your DC and your work for your benefit and to let her see you're a person in your own right, not just a mum IYSWIM.

Give her compliments whenever you can - for trivial things as well as the things you 'approve' of eg her appearance, sense of fun/anything. Make sure she feels loved to increase the chances of her making good choices for herself.

Chocoluvva, yes she's always been strong willed.She does think I have no need to worry and unfortunately I do let her see how upset I am as I'm an emotional person.We went out as a couple last night, me and DH, she knew we were going out , she knew I was going to have a drink so wouldn't be able to pick her up.I think she took advantage.
I give her compliments all of the time, that's when she isn't snapping my head off as she is so moody. She does know she is loved very much, whether she FEELS loved is another matter sadly.

LLB, yes she does take the grounding.She did go out the other week after we said she couldn't , just upped and left house, we were shocked. She has definately ramped up the disobediance just lately.

HL, I agree with you entirely.I guess her friends give her a sense of validation.She really, really, really cannot abide her younger brother (11) He irritates her by just breathing but what can I do about that? She causes a lot of tension.She does not get on well with her dad who thinks she is turning into some kind of tramp .She must obviously be picking up on that.She really misses the fact that I cannot be contacted to just chat too, I miss her so much I'm crying now which I know is pathetic.I am under so much pressure at work I know I am neglecting her.I know I am nothing more than a nag you are not being harsh.A lot of times things happen in school/after school that she wants to chat to me about but as I don't come home til 6 the moment has passed.I am leaving this current job at Easter.

Ooh - she does sound like my DD. Please don't be offended by my advice to give her compliments. FWIW - I think they don't hear half of what we say. It might be that she feel's criticised or that you don't trust her. She might respond to encouragement. I'm not criticising you - I just think there might be a gap between what you say/do and how your DD perceives it.

I recently found 'The Parenting Teenagers Course' manual - Nicky and Sila Lee - helpful. The Lee couple come over as a bit unusual, but the sections on effective communication in 'the ParentingTteenagers Course' especially listening were really useful.

There are questions for the whole family in it. It was a real eye-opener to read my DC's answers.

x-posted -sorry.

2 things really: first get the relationship with dh in order, if necessary with counselling. If half of your energy is eaten up in rows with dh you two cannot be good parents.

Secondly, it is obvious that she can't self-regulated (hopefully yet!), so why not be more practical about it. (and not take it so personal) Let her go out but know where she is and then go and pick her up at the agreed time.

My DS can't self-regulate and no amount of scolding and punishing has helped with that so far. So, we are doing the practical thing and simply treat him as a younger child. It works and he is actually grateful for it as he is less in trouble. (I just pray that one day he WILL develop the necessary self-control.)

whereismywodka thank you, I did used to do that, go and pick her up but she has been resisting as she thinks we don't trust her(which we don't but only because of past behaviour).I need to be firmer I see that now, she has been mugging me off.

I have spoken to DH, we are all very similar, me, DH and DD, very emotional and hotheaded LOL, which doesn't always bode well.

I have spoken to her today and we have had a hug, she is sorry but only to a degree, she just can't see that what she did was wrong and I know she is lying which I hate but I also know that that is what teenagers do.

I have spent all day with my family trying to sort things out.My planning has suffered and I know I will get stressed about that but this is more important.

I'd think not buying her anything for her birthday might have felt very upsetting to her,surely you could have spent a fiver on bath stuff or something. Seems v odd to get her nothing.

i htink you should have a girls day out, some together time, take her to get her nails done or something. and reconnect.

I realise I am only picking out one small part of your posts, but I agree with 1131 above, I think it would have been better to have got her something small for her birthday, rather than nothing. Could you give her an IOU for something retrospectively? I agree this all sounds very trying, and you have my sympathy FWIW. Its sometimes hard to want to put yourself out for birthdays etc when they're being hard work, but its worth trying anyway IMHO. Easier said than done I know...

We did talk about the whole birthday thing and we did all go out for a birthday meal and she had cake and cards which she seemed to like but yes I can see your point.

Lucylastic that's what I'd like to do.we had a Saturday at Camden Lock before she went to Rome and we also went to Westfield so we had a full on shopping day which was really nice.

I will have to think of and suggest something.

swimming against the tide here but if she wants to be treated like an adult she needs to behave like one. The total lack of basic consideration is horrific.

can you find out why she keeps kicking you in the teeth like this?

I know what it is ss.She doesn't like me working, I have been off these past couple of days and she is a different child.She likes me here, I like to be here but at the moment I need to work.I work in early years and cannot do a lot of stuff during the day so displays and stuff tend to get done after school, hence me coming in at 6 and being so tired.Her dad is normally in but she doesn't want him she wants me.Yesterday we had a lovely talk, just natural, I advised her and was there to check she was ok afterwards.Tomorrow I'll be back at school.I have had a lot of time to think about the whole family/work life thing and it really isn't working.I don't know what to do.I do have scope for getting in at 5 two days a week I could try that.We always talk in the kitchen, in the car, she likes to come shopping with me, I encourage that.
I have high BP she knows I haven't been well which makes it worse as she knows the effect all of this stress is having on me.When she gets with her friends she just forgets, it isn't an excuse but I know how her friends talk to and treat their mums and the way the mums are with them.I know I am an outsider, my DD is an outsider but wanting to fit in changes her.