First time problem like this son and my boyfriend

[mamas12]

I have a ds17 I have been seeing a lovely man for the past six months
It's the first time in seven years since the divorce I have introduced someone to the Dcs dd ok with it, ds not so
I have been taking it slowly and inviting ds to join us for meals if he wants to or trying including him and his gf with any meals I'm cooking
But he hasn't wanted to so I haven't pushed it
BUT things came to a head this weekend, plan was to all meet up at a fundrasing do with various members of family and friends where i thought was an ideal opportunity to socialise without any pressure. now the problem is when I couldnt stay in hometown to give ds a lift somewhere as I was going to see bf the night before (he could get the train a bit of a ffaf but doable) ds kicked off all by text, told me if I went to see bf then he didn't want me to go to the Saturday do sigh
I didn't go out of respect to the organiser as there would have been a scene but he has now gone totally non contact with me
Help

mama text ex to see if he is there. Just for safety sake as he is still classed as a minor. But is your ex likely to text back?

I'm surprised it's taken you this long to phone the two homes you think he's most likely to be staying at.

I doubt he thinks you are leaving him alone to calm down, or with any other honourable intention. It is more likely he will take it as further evidence that he isn't that important to you.

I wouldn't advocate letting a 17yo dictate who you can have a relationship with, but he may have genuine grievances, or there may be misunderstandings that can be cleared up.

He is with his dad

Please stop comparing him unfavourably to his father.

My own dad used to still does compare me to my mother, who he divorced the best part of two decades ago. It sends out several messages

• you're bad, just like your father who I decided that I no longer wanted to have anything to do with
• I don't like your father (and by implication new bf is better than ds' father, which probably isn't something he wants to hear)
• you've got it from your father so you've probably inherited it and it's inevitable and not personal choice

It's never going to produce a particularly good reaction IMO.

On a second point, if you let your bf form a negative opinion of your son so early on, then there will always be animosity between the two of them, which hardly bodes well for the future.

Is your DS planning on moving out for uni or anything like that?

I repeat I have never said he is just like his father to him or anyone except on here today as a worrying letting it all out thing and I never will

He might be off to uni next year depends on his grades but looking good fir it (proud)

Bf is not impressed with the texts but understands the situation they don't really know each other yet

I really am at a loss of what to do
How long to leave him with me only leaving encouraging messages on his phone until I insist on seeing him?

He's 17 - I don't think you can insist on seeing him.

I don't think I could be with a man who didn't think the world of my dc.

My dad was in a similar position some years ago, stared seeing a woman with a teenage son. Teenage son couldn't stand the thought of anyone seeing his mum and was vile to my dad.

But my dad understood the reasons and gave him time and space. Took over 2 years before he stopped been horrible and he's ashamed of how he was now. But dad never didn't think much of him because of it. He knew that he was a decent lad, just struggling to cope with it all.

Meant to say your son might well pick up on the fact your bf doesn't think much of him and that could be affecting how he reacts. Of course 17 yos can be vile without any reason as well.

Let your ds calm down, he's safe. Send him the odd text telling him that you love him and always will do.

He is just frightened he will lose his mum before he is ready to fly off himself. He can't say that at 17, I suppose.

Cut him some slack and reassure him.

Thanks viva and green
So two years, your poor dads gf being in the middle, how did she do it? and your dad sounds lovely
Yes will cut him some slack but not putting up with vileness like that I really don't deserve that
Looks like reassurance and a bit more juggling the two for the foreseeable
I'm hurting though because I hate to see ds upset and he's not responding to any of my messages
Bf is supportive

I think they knew that he'd be going to uni, so there was an end in sight. Once he went to uni and grew up a bit I think he was more reasonable. Plus he wasn't there as much by a long shot so even if he'd come home in holidays and still being an arse it would have been better.

Yeah sounds like my set up here except bf lives two hours away so only get to see him weekends and ds gf lives one hour away on the way to my bf
I tried to get him to co ordinate/arrange/organise lifts fir our weekend trysts but he can't think like that, seems to be all last minute!
Sigh

It's been over a week now of nc,
i have left messages on his phone and texted to say i was sorry fir upsetting him and i love him and we need to talk, but only one phone call from me to tell him I was coming home a day later than usual was answered.
He wanted to know where I was as he was expecting me and would I be back next day in time to give him a lift somewhere, no apology and when I asked if we were ok he said who cares
Unfortunately the reason i couldnt get back was because bf has unexpectedly had to go into hospital and I'm looking after him until tomorrow
It's been a worrying weekend with bf health. Am I really expecting too much for any sort of civility from ds?