DD suspense des from school

[Doinmummy]

Following on from my many threads about my troubled DD. I have redused to have her home due to violent behaviour . She's now been suspended from school for a week. What a mess

The school said they are going to write her a letter. They're copping out . Surely that's not the right way to do it

If she has been expelled, the council should be organising full-time alternative education for her. Guidance here:

www.gov.uk/school-discipline-exclusions/exclusions

They have said there is a 'special' school she will go to but it's miles away.what happens if she refuses to go?

The school probably haven't got much choice about how they tell her, Doin: they have to tell her somehow, and since she's not going to school and not coming home to you, and is staying with someone who doesn't have parental responsibility for her, a letter is probably their only option. Don't worry about it too much.

I'm not sure what will happen if she doesn't go to the special unit. It seems to be different in different areas. Around here, not much happens - the authorities recognise there's not much you can do to force an unwilling 16yo to go to school/college.

Make sure you stay in touch with school - just a call once a week to say "Just letting you know she's still not living at home"... And then they won't hassle you about her non-attendance.

Child Benefit and any Tax Credits for her will stop, so she'll have to find someone who's prepared to support her for free... She may be able to get Income Support (tho 16 yos can't normally, and the rules have changed so I'm not sure) but then she'll have to attend college.

Try not to worry about things you can't control, Doin. You're in a very difficult situation, and you're also v vulnerable... Have you got any RL support at the mo?

I have a friend who's been great but I don't want to keep leaning on her, she's got enough on her own plate. I get working family tax credit which if that stops I'll be up shit creek financially

I reckon it might be worth talking to your GP again. I found counseling really useful when I didn't want to dump all my stress on friends. And I know a couple of other people who did CBT when they were dealing with difficult teens, and found it really helpful.

I have a lady from the DBIT team coming round tomorrow who will let me know when I can start CBT.

Social worker was meant to phone me today to tell me how her meeting with DD went but she didn't phone- it's so frustrating

I've now been told that DD will not be getting a foster place- there's a surprise.

The DBIT lady was focusing on the wrong things. Asking if DD and I have a hobby that we do together, maybe we could spend time looking at fashion magazines together. They are missing the point. Why was I told to change the locks on my door for my own safety and now they're saying she can come home?

Oh I'm sorry, doin. :( They will do everything they can to get her home with you, because of her age and because it costs so much to place children/teenagers elsewhere.

If you know you can't have her home, you need to be very strong. You'll need to be a 'broken record', saying "I can't have her home. I can't keep her safe. I can't stop her attacking me. I am desperate. I can't have her home".

Have you been back to your GP yet?

That is so frustrating.in fact I have never heard anything so lame as suggesting you sit together and look at fashion magazines. FFS !!!
Didn't the DBIT woman see all the case notes ?

DD has said she wants to go into assisted accommodation which SS are trying to arrange. She has sent me many texts blaming me for ruining her life/education etc. She said if only I'd apologised to her for asking her to stop shouting then none of this would have happened.

She will not take any responsibility for anything.

Does anyone know how
this assisted housing works? Will she get her own flat or is it like a hostel?

GP wants to see me in three weeks time

Assisted housing is a good option, I think. :) It works a bit differently in different areas, but probably she'll get something like a bedsit, maybe with shared kitchen/bathroom, maybe with her own... And there are staff on site to resolve problems and stop non-residents from over-staying their welcome or taking advantage.

Try to ignore her blaming. The same immaturity that makes her behave badly also stops her from taking responsibility. My DS1 did the same - it has taken him a couple of years to grow up enough to acknowledge he was at fault.

Three weeks sounds like a long time to wait to see the GP. Do you think you need to see her/him sooner? If so, ask for an urgent appointment.

I'm not sure what else my GP can do for me. He's put me on Diazepam and signed me off work for a month.

How will my DD cope? She can cook but I know she won't eat properly. I'm so worried

She'll learn. :) Honestly, lots of teenagers eat terrible diets... It won't hurt her, for a while - especially since I bet you've fed her well throughout her childhood. She might have a few months or a couple of years eating rubbish, or eating too much or too little... but then one day she'll decide she wants to eat well again.

Try not to worry. :) I know it's much easier said than done, but it uses up so much energy and makes you feel so bad. You have been so low, and you need to try to make yourself well again - for yourself and your DD... You still have a lot of influence, even if you have little control and even if she pretends you don't. Your DD can learn how to look after herself well by watching you look after yourself. :)

If you think your GP has nothing more to offer you at the mo, I guess you don't need to go again. But if you find yourself getting desperate again, please do see him.

I think I do need to see a GP again. today I feel the most awful panic,racing heart,upset tum. I just wish we had a GP at our surgery who understands properly. I'm scared of my thoughts, not suicidal but just mad and irrational.

I want to disappear.

Doin, it really, really isn't surprising that you feel panicked and desperate. You have been under the most enormous stress. When I was in a similar situation with my DS, it made me very ill.

Call the Samaritans if you can't sleep tonight 08457 909090. Like their website says, "Just having someone to talk to that isn't family or friends can be a tremendous help. You don't have to be suicidal to get in touch".

Then call your GP in the morning and ask for an emergency appointment. It is a real shame he isn't more human, but he can still help. Tell him what you've told us. Or if you really can't face him, go to an NHS walk-in centre, or even A&E.

And don't take any extra medication, please. While you're upset, it's all too easy to take too much.

I'm sorry things are so tough. This will pass.

I wish I had some pearls of wisdom for you, sorry, but I don't.

I do know you are in a really difficult position where no-one seems to want to help. Try to stay strong, the Samaritans is a good suggestion, they are amazing people.

This is not your fault.

Had an awful meeting today with DBIT , DD and housing lady. DD was screaming at me that unless I change my attitude she's not coming home.

I've been told she has to choose from either coming home, going into assisted housing or a council house. She says she wants none of these and is refusing to make a decision . If she doesn't make a choice by tomorrow then she will be on the streets.

She may need to get right to the edge and realise that before she can make a decision, Doin. My son had to sleep on people's sofas for a week before he realised his choices were change his attitude and come home, or stay sleeping on sofas.

But is coming home really an option? This is not just about her choices, it's also about yours, especially since you are so vulnerable at the mo. Do you want her home? Do you think you could cope and be safe? If not, be strong and say no. Assisted housing and a council house are good alternatives. She would be ok in either.

I don't know why some young people have to make things so very difficult for themselves on the way to growing up, but some of them just do.

I think that because things got so heated during the meeting SS will deem it too dangerous for her to come home so the decision has been taken out of my hands. She's shown no remorse at all. She came into the house ready for a fight , I knew that as soon as I saw her face. I think she will have to learn the hard way. She was swinging between raging at me and then crying and saying how scared she was. It broke my heart. She was saying things like ' you can take that superior look off your face' and complaining that I have not apologised to her. I will apologise for nothing, I have done nothing wrong. She was goading me and I blew. Time for tough love. I'm done, finished.

That's probably a good thing Doin. It hurts, and like you say it's heart-breaking... But I know that when I found my 'bottom line' - the point at which I just knew I would not tolerate any more shit - things became clearer. It was very stressful, but it was upwards from there.

Remember to do something nice for yourself tomorrow. :)

She's been taken to a foster home today. I had to sit here while they took her as she didn't want to go. I can't begin to explain the pain I feel

Yes of course you feel the pain but it is for her and your own good.
She is in a safe place.

Deep breaths.
Have a cuppa and a nice bath.
Make the most of this time to yourself.
If the sun is shining tomorrow, get out in it and have a walk in the fresh air.

And as Flow and I keep telling you, find someone to talk to, and let it all out to a trained and sympathetic person. The Samaritans are always there.

Hugs.

Yes, of course it hurts Doin. You love her. :) This is the best thing for her right now. It's the best thing for you, too. You need to recover a bit and she needs to calm down.

You are doing the right thing, Doin.

The Samaritans are on 08457 909090 if you need to talk.

Hugs.

She keeps phoning and texting me begging to come home. This is killing me. I've turned my phone off.