Her right to privacy or my need to protect?

[bpsm001]

A few incidences since Christmas have being giving me cause to believe that my DD(14) could be suffering from depression/self harming. I checked her room for any signs of any problems and found a 'suicide' note. It was written at least 2 weeks ago. Every night since I found it I have been having discussions with her after school and she insists that she's fine and happy. I haven't told her I found the note. I asked 2 friends - 1 says do not tell her, and the other says confront her immediately?

I certainly would not confront her ... if she is depressed that could come over as quite intimidating ..

Also... I think some teens quite often experiment with notes and expressing feelings that the don't fully understand.. this is their way of processing the feelings..

If she's 14 - she could well be hormonal, so suffering monthly blues without understanding what's behind it - depends on how much of a chat you've had in the past about these things..

I would recommend making sure she knows she can talk to you about anything, but not making a big deal out of this until you have more direct evidence .. if she's happy talking about school etc and there are no other issues you run the risk of loosing any trust if she thinks you're snooping...

Thanks for response Stricnine.
I agreed with what you say, but the other friends argument was that she had brought 3 DC up with an unwritten rule that if any of them were giving her cause for concern, that she would search their rooms and confront immediately over anything she found.
It worked for her and she has a great relationship with all 3 who are now over 24.
She argues that she is not their 'friend' and providing their is unconditional love and they know it - then it is her 'duty' take whatever measures are required to protect them.

I remember writing several "suicide" notes when I was between the ages of 11 and 15. I would have never actually done anything though, I think I just had so many thoughts and feelings and hormones rushing through and didn't know what to do with them.
My mum found one once and I was so embarrassed when she confronted me about it, however I think it was a good thing she did ask me about it as it made me realise that I didn't actually want to die iyswim?

"Confront" might be the wrong word. It has connotations of slapping the note on the table in front of your DD and demanding she explain herself immediately.

Did you find the note in a place where you might have stumbled across it accidentally? Could you say that you were changing her bed/putting away some clothes (or whatever you do in her room) and accidentally found the note. Apologise and ask her if there is anything you can do to help. Offer to go to the doctor with her. Let her know that you support and love her.

Your friend is right in many ways but that doesn't mean it's the right solution for you and your dd. if your friends children were aware of this 'rule' then perhaps they wouldn't see it as hcg a massive invasion of privacy as your daughter might.
I think talking to her is a great first step. Do you have other children? Is there any way you could go away for a few days during half term, just you and her? The note in no way means she really is contemplating suicide but you do need to keep an eye on her.

The other option could be to see it as a cry for help. In which case confronting her with it in a way that shows your devastation at the thought and your willingness to help in any way you can could be what she needs.
Good luck