GCSE pressure getting to DS I feel like I'm doing it all wrong...

[Itscoldouthere]

So I feel like I'm getting it all wrong with DS and I'm worried he's just getting more and more depressed.

He is dyslexic so struggles with written work but has a good IQ and is very emotionally intelligent and is a really good communicator.

He went to a dyslexia school for a few years but then choose to go to our local (very good) secondary school. Unfortunately at that point (due to crazy short lived headmaster) they set in every subject, so he ended up in middle and lower sets, which over time became problematic and he got really fed up with some of the behaviour in the low sets, he also found it hard to understand what was required of him at times as he was used to being in small intimate classes.

Anyway his work started to go downhill and by yr 9 he asked if he could go to a smaller private school we had previously looked at which would men travelling for him.

So we moved him, this school is not a hothouse, they do have reasonable results but trade on being a child centred small school.

Now we are in his final GCSE year and things are not going well, firstly he is lazy and try's to get away with doing the least work possible, he is also behind in DT and art so he is under pressure there. We have had many meetings with school and he goes to extra after school lessons and has a tutor to help him organise himself, but he is still not doing very well.

His mocks were not good and all of his teachers say he is under achieving, he has been saying he wants to stay at 6th form but now he has started to get very negative about himself saying he can't do anything, he's just stupid and the worst in the year, that we will never be happy with him/his results etc, etc

I feel so worn down by this but I'm also worried about him feeling so bad about himself, I just don't know how to help him anymore.

We made a big life change last year and moved to be nearer to his school so that his brother could also attend, but now he doesn't have his old friend around and neither do I so I'm feeling like we've really messed up!

I feel for you, you have really tried your best for him but it has been a lot of chopping and changing during his secondary schooling and perhaps he has not learnt how to deal with a situation and improve things instead of moving somewhere else.

He sounds as though he is getting good help from the school and they recognise that he is intelligent so they need to concentrate on boosting his confidence and finding a way to engage him so that he wants to do the work - that is part of what you're paying for after all. It's certainly not unusual for kids to do badly in their mocks - my ds' results were awful but I have decided not to go on about it as I hope it will result in the school focussing on giving him more help!

As far as you are able to, try to detach and worry less - you are wearing yourself down and transmitting your fear to him which won't help either of you.

Thank you Winterkills - He really is a lovely boy and its so sad to see his self esteem so low when that is what we have been trying to guard all along, he went to the dyslexia school for the last two years of primary and started the local secondary school with everyone else in yr 7 so he has only had one move in secondary school, but I think you are right he probably was running away a bit when he moved in yr 9.

I think you are also right when you say that we are putting fear in him, initially we hoped it might do him a bit of good to tell him straight that staying at his school for 6th form was dependent on better grades than he has been getting, but I think it has backfired a bit as he is now just giving up as he feels he has such a mountain to climb.

We had a good talk last night and he was so sad, he said he thinks he has ADD as he can't concentrate on anything and everything is jumbled up in his head, he said he thought he should be on ritalin! not sure where that one came from!!

Sorry itscold, I assumed he had moved from the dyslexia school in year 8 or so, that is less disruption than I thought.

I do feel sympathetic because I have been very worried about my ds and I'm trying to reign it in as i've realised that it just causes tension without any benefit - I end up nagging him and, like your ds, he responds by saying that he must be stupid and what's the point because he's going to fail anyway etc.

I think it is partly a defence mechanism when they talk like that because the nagging/lecturing is making them panic and that seems the best way to shut the parent down! It's very positive that you can talk together, a lot of parents of kids this age find that very hard. I wonder if there's anything else he could do to boost his confidence? Maybe something outside of school, non-academic that he could try at? What sort of things is he interested in - does he have any idea what he wants to do long-term?

Ultimately I have had to tell myself that GCSE's aren't the be-all and end-all. It must be great to have those A* results but it doesn't always spell success in life generally. For those that don't do that well the main thing is to rethink and come back stronger.

I really agree with you but it's hard to make them see that this is only a small part of their life which will soon be forgotten.

I suppose I also been subjected to the pressure as before we moved we were in North London where school is such a big subject and so many of my friends children are glowing A* types.

I have never judged my DCs by my friends children but it does slightly wear you down as it seems so easy and expected, whereas the reality for us has been that it's a struggle to even get consistent Cs.

We have always had the aspirations for them to go to college or uni, just because we both had such good times (both went to art college) and we would love them to have that too, but I have always realised that DC1s dyslexia would make it really hard for him.

One the plus side he is a very good conversationist and is happy communicating with adults, I've always joked that he would be a great estate agent or car salesman!

I sat and helped him with some English last night and he has started using suri on his phone to dictate his notes which is just brilliant as he can then re read and edit before actually writing it down. Often his work doesn't make sense as he doesn't plan properly and he just launches in and ends up with lots of waffle.

I would love him to do more outside of school but he really isn't that interested. He used to play rugby but lost his nerve after a few injuries and he's not really sporty.

The only thing he likes doing is airsoft which I'm not too keen on and it's really expensive.

He did do a weekend kayak course which he loved but he can't make the club night at the moment as he stays late at school 3 nights a week and it is on one of his late nights.

I do think I should stop nagging him and just try and remain upbeat, I know I'm lucky that he talks to me which I really cherish.

Just had a look at his exam timetable and his first exam is 13th May so whatever happens it will all be over very soon.

I think that the whole issue of education has been ramped up massively over the last few years, the conversations I have with parents down here in the West Country are probably very similar to those you had in North London. Ds also seems to find friends who are very academic and confident and he compares himself with them which doesn't help.

Ironically I was never that bothered about academic results because he was always so artistic and (like you) so are we. All his life, since he was able to hold a crayon, he has been drawing and creating and he always said he would love to make a career out of it. When we chose his Secondary it was because they made such a big deal about having creativity in the curriculum and making sure all kids attained their creative potential etc.

Since he started though the school has completely changed its culture, become obsessed with exam results and squeezed out creative subjects. He didn't even have art lessons last year because of early options choices and now he is taking Art for GCSE it is being taught in such a grade-orientated, joyless way that he says it is 'boring' and he doubts he would want to go on to Art college. He has stopped drawing at home as well, makes me

Your ds sounds great you know - he is having to deal with a significant barrier to learning. Is he allowed to have a scribe in the exams? The ability to communicate well and be confident with people is a huge advantage in life, far more so than exam results in my experience.

My ds is very shy, very diffident with people. He is also in this 'hibernation' phase of not really doing anything or going anywhere which seems to be common (thank gawd for MN otherwise I would probably think he had something wrong with him!). I am hoping to persuade him to take up Judo in a few weeks time...

That's so interesting about your son and art, we too thought DS had promise in art but we have encountered a very different problem than you.

He was doing art out of school which he loved and he started the GCSE course at his old school which had a good art department, but was very prescriptive and everybody did the same thing at the same time, DS enjoyed it but didn't do very much extra work at home.

Then he changed schools, new school has excellent art department but they are really free-form, everybody does different things right from the primary section of the school and DS has found it so difficult having to work out what to do and how to do it, he has become so intimidated and is really behind on all of his projects, we have had so many arguments about art, it's like he's so scared of failure that he won't even begin.

The art teachers have been so patient with him (we have had several meetings with them) and they say he is the most frustrating person to teach as he has great ideas but will not put it down on paper and just talks his way out of stuff.

He really is standing in the last chance saloon where art is concerned and we are expecting him to spend most of half term and easter catching up. It's so frustrating as we have even been to look at colleges for him to do art (as an alternative to A levels) and he talks away as if he has this amazing portfolio when he really doesn't. We also know that it can be really hard at art college if you are unsure of your talent, as you are made to pin up your work for all to see and there is nowhere to hide, so I don't know if he is tough enough to take that.

DS1 doesn't have a scribe at school, but he does get extra time which is a help.

I know what you mean about the hibernation phase DS2 who is 13 is like that, we have to force him out of the house, he would happily spend all weekend in his pyjamas playing on the computer, making warhammer, watching those weird Japanese cartoons eating tuna fish sandwiches!!

I hope you manage to get your DS to agree to do Judo, neither of my boys are sporty to the dismay of their very sporty father. I would love them to do something but they do not seem to be co-ordinated and are both tall and not really in control of their bodies and have no hand to eye skills (we tried so many things when they were small). DS2 has consistently had PE as his lowest grade in every report, bless him.

I take your point about the potential problem with Art College but on the other hand he might start to find his feet in a creative environment like that, free of the academic pressure of GCSE's. It's obviously in his head somewhere even if not on the paper. If he managed to get a C at Art would he be able to go to the art college?

I'm suprised he doesn't have a scribe - at ds' school there are quite a number now who have scribes to help them, in fact during the mock exams he complained to me he couldn't concentrate because of the noise (due to a medical condition he sits exams in an alternative venue with some other students including those with dyslexia).

I'll never understand why they 'grade' PE for anyone who isn't taking it at btec/gcse anyway - must be really off-putting. My ds is the same, he isn't sporty at all and tells me that he is in the 'worst' group for PE but his co-ordination is not too bad and I think the self-defence aspect of Judo would be good for his confidence.

Made me smile reading about your ds2 - they seem so childlike at those times.