What age did you / will you back off and let them sink or swim on their own?

[MrsBobHale]

I know everyone is different, and some parents still do their kids' washing and nag them to clean their teeth at 35 (I'm looking at you mum / brother) and some leave them home alone at 5 (luckily I don't know anyone who's done this). I'm just looking for an idea of when it's appropriate to back off. I've seen lots of conflicting advice on MN lately.

So - when did you back off from the following:

Doing homework / revision
Practising instruments (if you pay for lessons)
Imposing a bedtime
Time spent on phone / computer
Getting themselves up in the morning
Table manners / saying please & thank you
Diet eg eating breakfast / not eating tons of sweets
Basic hygiene eg Teeth & shower.

Also did you back off before they were ready and let them fail first, or did you back off once you knew they were mature enough to self-manage?

FWIW DD is 12 and I have recently tried to back off gradually on most of these but it's ended badly and I've waded back in with both feet!

I think you just suddenly realise that you haven't had to nag them for ages, because they're just doing it anyway.

Certainly I didn't have to nag about personal hygiene, manners or diet from about 12 onwards, and stopped supervising homework from about Y9 (after weeks and months of casting a cursory eye over it and realising that it was fine).

So I suppose it has been a process for us, and I generally wait until they're already succeeding before backing off completely.

You give up back off the day you are absolutely worn down and can't be bothered any more.

It's a matter of judgement isn't it. My DS spent year 9-10 really not doing any instrument practice, I reluctantly kept paying for lessons but gave up nagging as we had bigger issues to fight about. Two years on and he is practicing without nagging and I'm glad I didn't let him give up. Music is my thing though. If they are fairly keen I think it's worth getting through those award years, but is it expensive and not for everyone.
I've never supervised homework, I let school dish out punishments if needed. I might have said ' have you done your homework ' before a request to go out but that's it.
The other stuff like eating sweets is an on going process of education rather than enforcement for teens.

Doing homework / revision - did 'reminding' (not nagging ) in Y7. Since then she pretty much gets on with it.

Practising instruments (if you pay for lessons) Age 13-14 I probably nagged too much. Now she is motivated to pass her exams and does it without prompting.

Imposing a bedtime - No bedtime at weekends from age 13.

Time spent on phone / computer - We never had any time restrictions, rules are no devices allowed during meals or after 9.30 on weeknights. The rules apply to adults as well.

Getting themselves up in the morning - I am the human alarm clock, wake up everybody, including DP.

Table manners / saying please & thank you - never an issue for me

Diet eg eating breakfast / not eating tons of sweets - not an issue, we don't have sweets in the house.

Basic hygiene eg Teeth & shower - never an issue

Thanks all. Useful answers. Sounds like a bit of support on homework / getting up would be reasonable for another year or two.

Some of the other stuff I have already backed off eg manners etc. I think if I haven't instilled it by now, it's probably too late and she can do it fine with everyone else.

The sweets thing is a specific problem that I don't know how to deal with. I also never have sweets in the house, and rarely buy them for her. She's done the classic "first sniff of freedom" thing and started going to the shop almost daily, and using her dinner money if no other money is available. It's a real worry to me, because we have a lot of diabetes in the family and she's like a sugar addict.

I'm hoping she'll learn to self-regulate and be a bit more sensible, but the alternative is that I either turn a blind eye and let her eat sweets rather than school dinners, or refuse to give her any money at all and make her a healthy packed lunch. I think this would be too controlling though, and also just put the problem off until she's at college or earning herself and will just go through it all again.

DDs Y8 and Y11

Doing homework / revision I remind, gently nag, more forcibly nag if Dr Who is on the lap top not bitesize

Practising instruments (if you pay for lessons) DD2 stopped years ago she would not practice. DD1 sings for the love of it, she has never needed telling to practice
Imposing a bedtime DD1 pretty much never, if you catch her when she's tired she sleeps, otherwise she's impossible. DD2 never looks at a clock so needs a gentle prod at 10.20
Time spent on phone / computer I suggest a bounce on the trampoline now and again
Getting themselves up in the morning DH's problem, neither are great (DD2) used to be, but high school bus is stupidly early
Table manners (never really bothered my DDad drove me demented nagging and I swore not to be the same) / saying please & thank you my dds are selectively deaf on this one, they cah be beautifully polite when it suits them
Diet eg eating breakfast - DH's problem / not eating tons of sweets they arent too bad
Basic hygiene eg Teeth & shower. Showers they go when they are dirty, teeth DD1 got praised by the orthodontist for being a star at keeping hers clean. DD2 still lies and evades like she did as a toddler.

I have a nearly 14 year old and a 12 year old. On most of that list, I've backed off from one or the other dd because they are able to self regulate.

So 13yo - puts herself to bed at a sensible time, gets up, eats breakfast etc without any parental input. I hope she cleans her teeth but I nag on showers. I sometimes remind her to check if she's got homework, she's not too bad left to herself.

12yo - I send her to bed, but she gets up and showers and goes to school. She doesn't like eating breakfast so I just suggest a cereal bar, she does eat healthily in general. She will organise all her own homework well in advance so I leave that to her.

For tv/computer time I do nag. and limit. Very bossily. Laptops go to bed at 9pm.

Music practice - I will only pay for lessons if they practice. Currently they do, but need some gentle nagging. If they argued I'd suggest cancelling the lessons.

Mostly we get by with gentle, sometimes forcible, nagging, but the occasional row. They are definitely developing self-management skills but each dd is good in different areas. ActuallY I think they quite like a bit of parental nagging, sometimes I worry I'm a bit too hands off and they sometimes complain I'm not hassling them enough.

Actually I think they quite like a bit of parental nagging.

I agree, they like to know you are interested.

OP, fwiw I wouldn't allow DD to spend her lunch money on sweets. Apart from anything else she's getting into bad habits.

Could you tell her that unless she self regulates you'll withdraw her dinner money? If she doesn't comply then I wouldn't hesitate to start making packed lunches, but give her the opportunity to make good choices first.

DD1 is 14 and sadly still needs to be reminded/constrained on most of these (not please/thank you). I am hoping that by after GCSEs most will no longer be required.

DD2 is 9. I think I will be able to back off earlier for her than for DD1.

DDs 11 and 13.

Doing homework / revision - backed off from dd1 few months back - a mistake as dd1 then got massively behind and in trouble at school. So am now trying to step in a bit more. But that said, dd2 is fine already without any help. So suppose it depends on the child.

Practising instruments (if you pay for lessons) - let dd1 give up once it became clear she had no interest and I was fine with that. If they need nagging - what's the point?

Imposing a bedtime - yes for dd2, no for dd1 since a few months back. Seems to be working.

Time spent on phone / computer - yes, or dd1 would never get off it. They are limited to an hour each per day on the computer, timed by the parental control thingy. Cue much gnashing of teeth.

Getting themselves up in the morning - not required

Table manners / saying please & thank you - not required, largely. And don't think my reminding would help now either.

Diet eg eating breakfast / not eating tons of sweets - do remind re breakfast and try to help - hand them stuff to eat onm the way to school as always in a hurry. Again, dd2 eats sensibly, dd1 not, but wouldn't wish to police this as agree it would backfire. Try to get healthy snack food in for both girls, make hot milky drinks etc and decent hot dinners. If they eat endless crisps or whatever during the day hopefully they'll get enough nutrition anyway.

Basic hygiene eg Teeth & shower. Occasionally remind dd2 but basically expect them to get on with it.

Think poster above who said leave them once they've handled it is sensible. Letting go too early as I did with schoolwork was in response to nagging but probably unwise before she'd established systems and techniques to handle it herself. Thought she had but she hadn't.

DD is 14 and DS nearly 13

Doing homework / revision DD has done this since Y7, DS still requires reminders/support

Practising instruments (if you pay for lessons) DD gave up end of Y7 IIRC, DS end of primary, PHEW!

Imposing a bedtime - enforce weekday still, but they can't always get to sleep till much later

Time spent on phone / computer - still try to get them to turn phone off before bedtime, they are generally off the computer by 9 (age 14 and nearly 13)

Getting themselves up in the morning - DD by second term of secondary, DS still shouting him Y8

Table manners / saying please & thank you - had got this by about 6 but occasionally reminded

Diet eg eating breakfast / not eating tons of sweets - about start of secondary school

Basic hygiene eg Teeth & shower - about 6-8

I have a 13 and a 14 year old.

They go to bed at 10 unless we are doing something as a family. They don't need more than a gentle prod to go to bed and will often head off without encouragement. dh tends to wake us all up as he is an early riser.

No rules about computer/console times, neither have a phone (no interest)

dh will complain if he thinks that they are being impolite, but we are pretty informal so it's not much of an issue (usually!)

Diet and hygiene only get commented on if it's an issue, generally they are fairly sensible. Sometimes ds lets it slip a bit. We don't tend to have a huge amount of rubbish in the house and they both make fairly sensible lunches. What they eat for breakfast is up to them. We do nag dd sometimes as if she doesn't eat she can get migraines. Pocket money does seem to be mainly spent on food (coffee or pop in the main)

We are lucky in that school doesn't set specific work for home. They mostly manage any projects etc either at school or before we get home. dd does bring work home at times because she likes to excel and sometimes I'll help with managing it as otherwise she can stress out (and get migraines).