DS, 18 ... won't get a job

[EloiseintheSun]

DS, 18, repeating year 12. Lot on his plate but he is managing. When not studying, and even when he is, spends hours, hours, hours on the computer, usually playing games. My goodness, we've tried with him. But every arrangement, agreement to reduce hours, to have set hours soon falls flat. He just can't discipline himself.

He has well and truly isolated himself - doesn't socialize or get involved in things. It's been suggested by others that he gets a part time job to increase his confidence and horizons. As well as these reasons, we think he should work for a few hours a week to put money aside for university and to help pay his way in the meantime.

But he won't and he says in fact that his form tutor advises against work in the sixth form. I wonder. Did he really exclude even a few hours a week? I'm in despair about DS' belligerence and the ever spiraling bills we have, including of course, energy which his almost constant computer use is surely contributing to. We don't earn a lot and we have other DCs. Anyone else with a DC who's put their foot down about working even though s/he could make time to? What on earth can I do?

And, it is reasonable not to want to be around DS when he uses the F word in arguments? Oh heck - really weary about all this.

Could you password protect the wifi that (presumably) he's using on his computer? Close it down at family bedtime?

Supply only basic food and household items, if he wants naice toiletries and snacks they're his problem not yours?

Yes, it's possible his tutor has said he should not get a job in order to focus on his academic work. However, focussing on academic work doesn't normally include spending hours pissing about on the computer...

Easier said than done to get a job that fits round school and is only a few hours but as an absolute minimum he should be doing his share of jobs at home and risking your request of no swearing.

If he's repeating the year, tbh I would want to make very sure he has the best chance of getting the results he wants this time and for that reason I would probably not push the job. But I agree with Jean that he should have tasks at home and adhere to your swearing rules. Plus there must be ways (tech savvy posters will probably know) to curb the computer use. Can you take some of he games off his machine? What machine/device is he playing them on? Betty's suggestion about the password is also worth trying.

He should be doing his own laundry and cooking at least one meal for the family per week, including planning the meal and not just opening the fridge to see what he can fry twenty mins before dinner time. It should also include cleaning up thoroughly. He should also have some chore like taking out the bins

It sounds as if he is trying to manage anxiety -- have you talked to him about things that are bothering him, or do you suppose the prospect of failing and not getting to university is weighing heavily on him? Spending so much time on the computer and becoming isolated sounds like avoidance behaviour to me.

What are you paying for? If you start reducing this he will see the need to get a job. If you are meeting his every need, then there isnt much incentive to get off the PC is there?

Stop doing his washing/ironing/cleaning. Reduce any allowance/phone credit/buying him stuff. And unplug the internet after 11pm.

Whatever he or his teacher tell you, no-one can study 18 hours a day (and he isn't anyway is he?) so he can fit in a weekend job or some voluntary work easily.

If you have to, get brutal. 'The allowance stops on x date' unless you get a job/volunteer. Teens are fundamentally lazy. They often need really forcing to do get off their arses.

It isn't that easy to get a job for just a few hours a week. I have seen one or two of DSs friends struggle to do school work because they are committed to too many hours working.
DS was not reluctant to look for a job but was certainly anxious about it. All the more reason I thought that he should have the experience of applying for a job and working a few hours. He did, in the end, find something which he does for 5 hours a week. It has given him some confidence and also something positive to put down on his CV in future.
Having said that it seems to me that your main problem is that he spends too much time on line and not enough time doing school work? You have to decide whether to do battle or not.
It's hard

How is he going to get good results when he's sat in front of games for hours?

Hope you are not still skivvying after him.

The attitude of some youngsters stinks sometimes doesn't it but we mum's pussyfoot about our offsprings expecting them to change for the better and they never do,stop treating him with kid gloves and insist he speaks in an acceptable manner,stops playing games and acts like a young adult,I can remember my eldest losing it once and swearing as he passed a comment and his dad just happened to be behind him he was about 16ish and his dad lifted him up by his sweatshirt and said when he speaks to his mother he should speak to me as though I was The Queen Mother enough said ! it never happened again,he should be working some hours a week there are plenty of part-time jobs about for youngsters but they think their parents are going to keep them wrapped up in cotton wool for ever,get him doing his own washing/ironing/room cleaning/wash your car/windows the list is endless it will put him in good stead for when he has to earn his own living.My boy is now 38 and he is a Manager at Sainsburys so his early years at part-time jobs paid off in the end.

glammanna there are not plenty of part time jobs out there for youngsters. They are difficult to get and don't fit in with school work. I know my DD3 tried very hard to get one while she was at college. She did however do a few hours voluntary work in a charity shop to get herself some experience,

My DSS actually asked his Mum to lock away the xbox while he was in the run up to his exams as he just could not limit himself.
If he is struggling to apply himself you have 2 choices - either let him learn by his own mistakes or get a bit tougher with him. Personally I wouldn't suddenly change all the goalposts and would do all I could to be supportive and kind, but the endless time wasting has got to stop.
I don't think a job at this time would be such a good idea, but perhaps he could contribute more at home?

FWIW neither me, DP or the SC's Mum have ever tolerated any kind of backchat let alone bad language.

Part time jobs for youngsters are like gold dust. For those who have left F/T education many become NEETS as there as so few jobs and a million unemployed young people. Two late teens next door have no paid work and claim benefits!

My lovely DSD tried for many PT jobs and was unsuccessful, but was a much in demand babysitter.

They really struggle to get PT jobs, there is so much competition. My son had to settle for voluntary work- that may be the way to go.

In my experience there are plenty of Part time jobs for teenagers especially once they are over 16. But these are NOT advertised and they have to get off their backsides and walk the streets, going into all small businesses, supermarkets, shops, pubs and restaurants looking clean and respectable and show willingness to take ANYTHING offered.

It depends where you live. Not in my area where 100 can apply for one job. My son couldn't get one despite tramping everywhere with his CV. It has changed, my eldest son got one easily, but there were plenty then.

How about turning the internet off until he contributes to the bill?

I never understand why people don't just switch off the computer. It is so easy. Make him earn time on it.

Don't buy the 'but I can't find anything' sob stories. He's 18. If he looks hard enough and applies sensibly, he'll find something. McDonalds are always hiring.

There is also always voluntary work. This will get him out of the house, give him something to put on his CV and introduce him to the idea of being responsible for his own life. Charity shops, the local cubs/scout group, even at your local Aged Care Home or Primary School.

Don't let him give up at the first hurdle - this is the point in his life were he really does have to grow up and stop expecting YOU to solve all his problems for him. Yes, its hard. Now bite the bullet.

He can do voluntary, but paid jobs are not a sob story. DS applied to Pizza Hut, when he phoned to see the result they told him they were wading through 100 applications. He had 2 interviews for a Saturday job in Argos, there were 2 jobs. The first interview had 24 people, they had many more applications. The local newsagent wanted a part time person, after an hour they ran out of application forms. It depends where you live. DS eventually got 2 hours a Sunday in a cafe. He tried everything e.g fruit picking. There were too many people chasing too few jobs.

Mrsbright not being able to find a job is not a sob story. Yes McDonald's are often hiring but they have hundreds of applicants for each job and once you have been rejected you have to wait 6 months before you can apply again. Well you do round here. DD3 did almost get a job in Argos as they said the job advertised was flexible to fit the hours you could do. Actually said if a few hours on a Saturday was all you could do. But when she had a telephone interview she found that wasn't tbe case and she would have had to do some evenings aswell. Which actually started before she finished college. Also a lot of jobs have to be applied for online so young people do need the internet but this could be set to go off at midnight which is what we did.

Those of you who think a part time job is easy to find must be living somewhere like London and have no idea how hard it can be to find work.

We not only live in an area with high unemployment but it's very rural. Employers often want part timers for very anti social hours. This may well mean parents having to go out at 11.30pm or later to pick the DC up from a late shift.
My DS found a (badly paid) job in a takeaway in the next village 6 miles away. First of all they wanted him to start at 5pm. His college bus gets to our village at 5.30. So in order to facilitate him taking this job, I had to pick him up from college (20 mile round trip), then take him to work, then pick him up at 11pm. It would have been easier and probably cheaper to give him the cash myself. I didn't though as I thought it was good for him.
Thankfully he can now drive and has a different job.

If he's repeating year 12, I wouldn't push the job aspect until he's finished his A-levels. It's more important at this stage that he doesn't mess up again, and a job is yet more time away from school and studying.

He might be 18, but if he can't be trusted to control his computer usage, you take away his games and password protect the wifi. He can still use things like Word for essays, but he can't get distracted by Facebook or whatever else he uses. If he needs the internet for college, he can be treated like a child and use the computer in the family rom where you can keep an eye on what he's doing.

If he can't act like an adult and put schoolwork before video games and Facebook, then don't treat him like an adult.

I thought I couldn't be the only person where there are no part time jobs!
The other problem is the one mumeee mentioned, it is rarely just a Saturday-it is 'can you do Sunday as well?' or 'which evenings can you do?
He only wanted one day at weekends-he was studying. He finally got a job one summer because he said that he could work the entire summer and he could do any hours. It was by no mean ideal for me, he didn't drive and there was no public transport -we were for ever turning out late at night to collect him, like yourlittlesecret it would actually have been easier to give him the cash!
Therefore I do get rather fed up with people saying 'don't listen to the sob story' or 'don't wait for jobs to be advertised, be proactive'.
I can only think these are people completely out of touch, or who live in big cities, or possibly tourist areas.
Get voluntary work and choose the hours and switch off the computer.