Depression

[LalaLaza]

Hi, so I'm not a mum, I'm not a parent, but I would appreciate some parental advice.

I'm 18 years old and I was with my boyfriend for over a year when he suddenly broke up with me out of the blue. From what I could see, we were very happy together, but we each had some problems as individuals that we were trying to support each other through. His reasons for ending the relationship were that he feels he is bad for me and he 'deserves to be alone'. He's not only pushed me away, but has also pushed away friends and has started to be very secretive towards his grandparents and mother. We still talk on a daily basis, and he has spoken to me more than once now about suicidal thoughts and self harming. He's lost all motivation and has become very isolated, taking himself away from social situations. He is in his final year of A-Levels and wants to drop out as he has given up. When I tell him that I care about him and that even though we're not together anymore I'm still here for him, he becomes very blunt, saying that no one should care and that I should 'forget about him'. We've shared a lot together over the past year, and he helped me finally deal with a 4year eating disorder, and without him I wouldn't have been able to seek help and probably wouldn't be here to write this. I need to help him, but I don't know how to anymore. I'm certain he's suffering from depression. He used to take medication, but stopped after a few months very suddenly.

As a parent, what would you want me to do? I don't feel comfortable talking to his grandparents about it, as I feel that is an invasion of privacy. As I am no longer his girlfriend, I feel that is stepping over the line. However, I feel they should know, and if he did actually start self harming or worse and I didn't say anything, I would hate myself. Even if he hated me forever for telling his family, if it saved his life, I would be okay with him hating me. But then will that possibly make it worse? I would really appreciate some advice. What can I do for him?

As much as you care about him, anything he tells you he feels like doing should not be on your conscience.

Being told something in confidence can feel like a privilege, a sign of deep trust, but it can also start to be more of a burden, a responsibility. Telling you he doesn't want or deserve you is one thing but he is talking to you daily isn't he. It puts pressure on you at a time when you are facing exams and the last year of school and if you have come through your own problems only recently I think it's a bad idea to carry new stress.

I am not saying abandon your ex or close your eyes to any problems he has. Ask yourself are you best placed to help? Either tell a member of staff at school while he is still attending or contact his family to say you are worried about him. If he ever hints again at suicide then tell him it is a big thing to lay on your shoulders and if he isn't prepared to see a doctor you shall call 999.

Thank you so much for your advice, it really does help! I have talked to him about confiding in teachers, however its hard for me to have any kind of impact as I no longer attend the same college, I'm now at uni while he's in boarding school, which makes it that much harder. If I think it gets worse, I'll try to either contact his tutor at college or his grandparents to keep an eye on him. Thank you again!

You ask what, as parents, we would want you to do.

As his parent - or grandparent in this case - I would be extremely worried but I think it is likely that they already are and that the school is aware too if he has previously been prescribed medication. The adults in his life are probably more aware of his state of mind than he thinks they are.

As your parent I would advise you exactly as DonkeysDon'tRideBicycles already has.
I would be proud of you for being caring and loyal but I would also worry that you were losing sight of your own welfare at a time when life and studies can be very stressful.

My daughter who is at uni has had a very similar dilemma. I know that, with hindsight, she would tell you to step back.

My daughter who is just 23 now got caught up with a girl suffering from depression which was most unfortunate as it triggered her own depression off again just when we thought she was recovering. The girl's parents began to rely upon my daughter to support theirs and it was a burden too much. Now she has wised up, she keeps away from the girl as much as is possible to avoid the burden as it is hard enough to manage one's own studies and life's struggles as one progresses.

I therefore think it is best that the young lady who has shown enormous maturity lets his family look after him. It is not her responsibility and she will find enough on her plate managing her own life, studies etc... by all means tell his family what has been communicated to the young lady but definately keep out of the loop as much as possible. Depression has a horrid way of dragging others down with them and the young lady who has been so sensible so far really doesn't and shouldn't want to get involved. Good luck with the studies young lady.