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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DD15 always in room on phone/laptop

19 replies

star1976 · 23/01/2014 08:16

Hello am hoping someone can offer some advice.

My DD is 15 and shows no interest in the rest of the family at all. All she does is sit in her room on her phone/laptop to her friends. I ask if she has done her homework and she says yes.

DH (her step dad) thinks that I should take her laptop/phone off her in an evening as it is all she is interested in doing.

I had an operation on Monday and she comes in from school, barely asks how I am, then buggers off upstairs again. She comes down for dinner, complains when we ask her to wipe up after dinner.

Her one job is to feed the cats in an evening and most of the time she has to be reminded to do that.

She is selfish and lazy and I am at the end of my tether with her. I don't want to be constantly moaning at her. We used to be so close and her friends used to say that they were jealous of the kind of relationship we have, but I can feel it drifting away.

I don't want to lose my baby girl.

OP posts:
MrsBright · 23/01/2014 08:55

Establish a time when she has to turn off both phone/laptop etc. And that at that time she has to be downstairs.

Introduce sanctions if she doesn't adhere to this rule and if she also to be constantly reminded about cat-feeding. Sanctions - take the phone/laptop away for 24 hours/an entire evening etc (teens hate this so it really works). Our ultimate sanction is no phone credit or the tablet taken away for a week.

Keep calm, no shouting, state your case, state the sanction for non-compliance by a certain time and then walk away. Invoke the sanction if 'it' doesnt happen. Keep doing it. It works.

TheDoctorsNewKidneys · 23/01/2014 10:21

Most teenagers going through a hermit stage. There's nothing wrong with her not wanting to spend time with the family after school. I vividly remember spending most of my evenings as a teenager in my room, either watching FRIENDS on DVD, reading, texting my friends or going online. It's normal.

I don't think you can force her to leave her room. That's not fair. If she wants her space, she should have it. She does her homework and you don't mention any problems with going to sleep/getting up, which suggests she's capable of organising herself fairly well.

But, you should be getting her to help around the house. Say, feed the cats/fill their water bowls, change their litter trays, clear up after dinner, load the dishwasher, do her own laundry and change her bed regularly. That's more of an issue than her living on the computer imo.

Claybury · 23/01/2014 10:28

Sounds like a normal teenager.
We entice ours to spend time with us from 9pm for about by watching something we all can enjoy once youngest DS is in bed. A DVD box set for example. It becomes routine which feels like a nice way to being everyone down from their rooms.

Chopstheduck · 23/01/2014 10:30

would she help you cook dinner? Dd spends most of her time in her room and preferes spending time with her friends now, but we often cook dinner together which is a chance to catch up and chat. Plus we got out together once in a while for a bit of quality time.

adeucalione · 23/01/2014 10:47

The only way to effectively engage her interest in family life is by doing things that she'll want to be a part of.

Imposing sanctions because she'd rather be talking to her friends, or spending time alone, seems ridiculous to me, particularly as she is keeping on top of her homework before socialising.

But I do think she should be joining you for dinner without complaint and doing any chores you have agreed with her.

Original poster
star1976 · 23/01/2014 14:25

I know what you mean and I spoke to my mum about it, and although I was out a lot at her age, when I was in I did speak to my mum and we were still close. Could tell her anything.

DD just seems to be distancing herself from me. I am a childminder so there are usually other kids around straight after school so I can understand her wanting to hide upstairs then. But if I am washing and shout her down to dry up she sighs and moans and barely speaks to me.

She always seems to be in a bad mood when I talk to her and never wants to do anything with her brother and he says he misses her. (He is 7). Yet I hear her laughing to her friends so i know that she is not feeling down it is just when she is with me.

We have always been really really close as it was just us for several years till we moved to be with my now DH and her brother came along. Just feel like I am losing her.

She shows no interest in anyone but herself. She only ever talks to me, comes and sits with me, when she is about to ask for something. Which really hurts. The longest time we ever spend together is when i am dropping her off or picking her up from her boyfriends/friends houses.

I know that if my mum was ill when I was her age I would have been helping her with siblings, seeing if there was anything I could do to help,etc. She barely even asks how I am feeling. I asked her to help me with a few things for dinner last night (DH is cooking so needs all the help he can get lol) and she immediately started complaining of tummy pains which I am sure was just to get out of helping.

I don't want to come across as an ogre. I love my daughter so very very much and she can be such a lovely lovely girl, but I feel I am seeing this side of her less and less. Sorry I am rambling on.

OP posts:
Olivegirl · 23/01/2014 14:54

I have two dds 18 &16 ....they both spend time in their rooms
It's normal ...SmileSmile
I do try to get them to help round house a bit. Which they do ( only when asked)
They worked hard in sixth form and both have pt jobs

I leave them to it as long as they are safe, happy ( I know teenagers never look happy) and they know dh and me are always here for them .. Let them get on with it.

More time for me and dh Wink
And it amuses us how when we go to bed ...they come down Grin

TheDoctorsNewKidneys · 23/01/2014 14:55

I'm sorry you're hurt, OP, but this is totally normal behaviour.

Most teenagers are lazy and don't want to spend time with their parents. It is hard to deal with, but most come out the other side at 17/18/19 and want to hang out with their mum again. It does get better :)

I also don't know many 15 year olds who would want to hang around with little kids after school, and that does include their 7 year old brother. But, it does sound like she's been through a lot - is it possible that she feels a bit pushed out? She comes home and you're busy with work, and she probably wants time with YOU, not with her step-dad and 7 year old brother.

Do you do anything with her at weekends? Take her to the shops or out for lunch or for coffee? Try and make sure you do that occasionally. Just spend time with her alone, without her sibling and step-parent, just spend time as mother and daughter.

Monty27 · 23/01/2014 14:56

Totally normal ime. Maybe she'll talk to you when you get off her back?

Innogen · 23/01/2014 15:10

Totally normal. Why should she stop doing something she enjoys in her free time?

If chores and homework are all done, so be it. You can't force anyone, 15 or otherwise, to be interested in you. Some people just go through teenage phases, and others will never care.

When she's an adult she'll fall into one of these categories. Harassing her might push her towards the latter.

Original poster
star1976 · 23/01/2014 15:30

I am certainly not 'on her back'. I just leave her to her own devices except when asking her to do her homework/chores.

We used to do stuff together on a weekend but now she chooses to go out with her friends instead. She has known her step dad since she was 3 and he is more of a father to her than her useless real dad so I don't think that is an issue?? My DH goes away with work every now and then and I ask her if she wants to have girlie time movie and popcorn when DS is in bed but she says no.

Oh well, might ask her to help me cook again tonight, see how she reacts. DH is doing everything for me whilst I am out of action this week and really feel she should at least offer to help a bit.

OP posts:
Monty27 · 23/01/2014 15:44

Is she not doing her homework? Mine used to do hers in her room. My dd 'came round' eventually. They do like their own space at that age.

bideyinn · 23/01/2014 15:47

Totally normal, its hurtful but just part of the separation process.

knittedslippersx3 · 23/01/2014 15:50

Sounds completely normal to me! In fact if that's all you've got to complain about, I think you've got a pretty good teenager on your hands there!

Olivegirl · 23/01/2014 15:53

Don't expect her to want to do things with you at this age ... Of course they are preferring to be with friends.

I have noticed lately though both my dds 18 and nearly 17 ...while love being with their friends, they will come shopping with me or go to cinema or meal out with dh .... They would not have done this at 15 ..Los let her be ...she will come back slowly in her own time

knittedslippersx3 · 23/01/2014 16:07

Does my post sound harsh? It's not meant to sound harsh.
This is normal and will probably last a little while and then she becomes your friend, which is lovely.

Original poster
star1976 · 23/01/2014 17:18

I do know that I am lucky really, she has never been in trouble at school, gets good grades most of the time, though she does seem to let that slip quite easily if distracted.

Just miss her I guess, and find it a constant struggle with DH and he thinks I should be harder on her.

I suspect that I may have been too easy on her in the past, she has never had to do anything to help around the house. feeding the cats and occasionally wiping up and putting away is all i ask. Maybe i should introduce a few more simple chores for her to do just as an excuse to spend time with her lol.

OP posts:
cory · 23/01/2014 18:23

The problem is, the bit that hurts you is that she doesn't feel as close to you as you did to your mother- but you can't actually sanction for that. You can't punish somebody into wanting to spend more time with you.

So you end up sanctioning her for things that you probably wouldn't punish her for if you felt more confident about your relationship. And she perceives that as unfair because she no doubt senses that it isn't about the actual misdemeanour.

Personally with this age group I find things work best if sanctions are few and far between and for really clearly defined misdemeanours. Make it about (a very few) rules, not about emotions.

If you simply want to spend more time with them, then it works better to do things that they will want to do with you. I watched a really boring film last night because it meant family time with ds (hope he didn't notice me nodding off towards the end).

mumeeee · 23/01/2014 21:29

It"s normal for a 15 year old to spend time in their bedroom and they should be allowed to. The only rule we had about spending time with family when ours were teenaagers is that they had to eat dinner with us. They did also come on family holidays and to big family events . We never insisted they spent time with us on ordinary days. But we were always available to talk if they wanted to and sometimes this was at 11pm. My advice is to back off and let her have her space. Yes she should do her chores,

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