Falling out massively with DD, nearly 18 (sorry, long)

[allo2101]

I am at my wit's end. My DD is in her second year of sixth form and doesn't really know what to do next year. She has applied for four unis and had acceptances from three of them, two in London plus Plymouth. She isn't expected great A Levels, probably 3 Cs so knows her choices are limited. However the London unis are right at the bottom of the league tables. She thinks she may take a gap year and work full-time and go to uni in 2015.

I fully accept it's her life and she must do as she sees fit but don't think that making the odd suggestion is out of order. I feel she'd do better in a non-London uni, not just because of the league tables but also because I'm a single mum, so won't be able to help financially and everything will be on a student loan. She works part-time at the moment, earns nearly £400 a month and can't manage financially. Have told her that she will end up with far less disposable income in London and not sure how she'll cope.

Tried to discuss all this logically and calmly last night, ended up in a blazing row and she hit me across the face while telling me to fuck off (I am so ashamed to say this) I lost it and told her to go, knowing she would go straight to her best friend's house. She later texted me a very abrupt apology and turned up here this morning, still raging and I (calmly) said I wasn't able to discuss it as I was working (I work from home) plus she had her friend with her, and said I would discuss it later.

I am not trying to run her life as she thinks, but just trying to be a concerned parent, knowing this is a big life decision and wanting to point out pros and cons etc. I am devastated that she hit me (and told me to fuck off as well) I am really not sure how to mend this - at the moment I am so disappointed in her attitude towards me that I am probably being a bit cold towards her, but she really needs to realise that I'm only looking out for her best interests.

I am very guilty of always giving her everything, she has a car which she is learning to drive on, she has lifts everywhere in the meantime, she goes out as and when she wants and everyone I know says I'm too soft on her, so this is where it has got me! I just want my lovely little girl back, not this bitter, angry girl who seems to hate me :(

Thank you all so much for your replies - I have only just returned to the computer - I have taken on board all you say and I know that the violence is absolutely unacceptable. I have told her this and had a long frank discussion with her.

Not making excuses for her in any way - and leaving the violence out of it for the moment - it seems she is very depressed at the fact that her younger sister (16) is naturally very bright and has very good prospects. She feels very inferior and useless and I think this is what is fuelling her anger and frustration. She got the impression that I was putting her down by pointing out that the unis she's chosen are not great but tells me she has no hope of getting in anywhere else (I don't actually believe this to be true and have encouraged her to speak to her tutor at college about this as I'm not well up enough on the facts)

She does want to go to London because it's London (aargh) but the fact that she wants a gap year gives me hope that she may change her mind totally in that time. She has a lot of growing up to do and perhaps being in a proper work environment for a while (not just a weekend job) will help this process.

Will keep you posted!

She does want to go to London because it's London (aargh)

That's not a bad thing! London is great, and choosing a uni is as much about choosing a place you want to live for three years!

In order for her to grow up you need to let go.

No doubt she does feel a little lost, especially if her predicted grades are low. She might feel that everyone is on her back and pressurising her.

Instead of pointing out the negatives and criticising her choices, why not just lend her your support. Yes she might make a huge mistake and yes, you might see it coming but there will be nothing you can do about it and what would you rather: her carry on with the mistake because she is too ashamed to admit defeat or for her to realise and approach you to help her sort it out?

Sometimes all you can do is support them. Tell her that you love her no matter what grades she gets. Tell her that you are proud of her. Point out her achievements and what she is good at. Make suggestions by all means but make them by being positive about her choices and not by criticising them. She is more likely to listen to you and turn to you if she feels you are on her side.

It's not easy to be a teenager and they do have a fair amount of pressure put on them. My dd is only 13 and has already been in tears because everyone at school knows what career path they are choosing and she has been told that she HAS to decide what she wants to do.

It's not fair to shove adult worries onto young shoulders.

She is only 18. She can afford to make mistakes.

Be there for her but on the violence you must get tough. It is not acceptable and no matter how much you love her, you will call the police if it happens again. Uncontrollable rage is a great way to lose the argument.

London is brill - perhaps suggest she spend some of her gap year there? She'll get a feel for how far her cash will stretch, she might save a little (if very lucky with a job) towards tuition and she might get it out of her system a little. It costs a fortune to live her but salaries are higher so it does work out a little. There's also a lot of free stuff to do so I'd say that if she can cover her costs she will have fun. If she fancies a champagne lifestyle on a london living wage though she will get a nasty shock.

Vis the grades and the offers - does she have less ability/motivation than her little sister or has it just dawned on her now that slacking off/having a part-time job has impacted her grades and uni choices?

If it's the latter, she's got a few months to claw it back, or could do re-sits and certainly a gap year will give her a chance to reapply for better courses if she pulls her finger out between now and her exams....

Again agreeing with other posters- what's wrong with wanting to go to London because it's London?

When I was her age I wanted to go to England because it was England (am foreign)- it was absolutely the best thing I've ever done (though the standard of living was one that my mother could not have contemplated).

Why are you so set on her changing her mind and finding out that London was a mistake? What if it isn't a mistake for her?

She's trying to forge an attainable future for herself and you keep telling her how rubbish all her choices are.

There's no excusing her violence, you must impress upon her that it;s unacceptable. She's probably feeling incredibly scared. Going it alone is hard anyway, but it's much harder for teens whose families have micromanaged their lives and discredited their choices.

I feel your pain as I have a son leaving home this Sept too.

Violence is inexcusable, way out of order. But that aside you must let her make her own decision regarding uni. As long as she knows where she stands in relation to financial help from you, so you can only contribute x amount and that is it.

wanting to live in London is as good a reason as any for picking a uni really. She won't be the only student relying on loans and part time work. A gap year could give her the opportunity to save up a bit too.

My dd is also 18 and off to uni this year , she has made all her own choices and decisions about where she would like to go.

I know for a fact your dd will be upset that she lashed out and you must make it very clear it's unacceptable.

It's a challenging very scary time for them and I know if I try to suggest or interfere in some way .. Then I've noticed it just provokes anger.

They are old enough to sort out their futures and we have to step back and let them do it, and be there for when they need us ... And yes that includes lifts to places.
Most parents with teenagers I know are taxi services for their darlings ....we ferry them everywhere I have two dds... But they both have part time jobs so they do pay a little towards petrol.

I would rather get them to places safely.

Another one who thinks she should go to the London uni.

With those grades, the non-London unis won't be much better or improve job prospects. I suspect that they are all quite low down the league tables.

I'd understand if this was Bristol versus Kingston, but it's not is it? Give your daughter more credit and let her make her own decisions for her future.

There's nothing wrong with 3 Cs at A level. The trouble these days is that you hear all the time of A and A* results. Not everyone is like that. London is expensive but my daughter manages to live there. Letting her have a gap year is probably good as it will help her independence.