22 year old DD not getting on with 'friends' in shared house

[MorticiaSmith]

DD lives with 2 girls of a similar age who seem to be excluding her and being (as she sees it) rather mean. Its things like they have their friends round to watch a film and don't make any attempt to include her. Or they go to the shops/pub etc together and don't ask her if she wants to go. And she feels that when she tries to make conversation they show no interest in what shes saying and don't continue the conversation with her.

The other 2 girls knew each other before my DD moved in with them, but they asked her to share with them, but then seem not to want her there.

They've all lived together for 4 months and have another 2 months to go on the tenancy when DD will leave, but as she's a long way from home and needs to stay in the area or work/study, she'll have to stick it out.

DD is usually very sociable and confident and normally gets on well with people, but the attitude of these 2 girls seems to have dented her confidence and she seems really unhappy. She doesn't have many friends in the area, so generally stays in her room where she can hear the other two laughing and joking together. I'm not sure how to help her.

Sorry I know DD isn't a teenager, but didn't know where else to post.

Rotten for her - girls can be so bitchy. I suppose they were friends, but needed a third to pay their share of the rent - pretty unfair of them not to be pleasant about it, and be welcoming to the person whose making it possible for them to stay in their house.

Has your DD spoken to them, and said how they make her feel?

She just has to deal with it tbh. Living in a shared house isn't about becoming friends with the people you live with, its just, well, living there.

This is a great opportunity for your dd to go out and make a social life - sign up for some adult ed classes, join a gym, do volunteering - and then she'll be in the house less too.

This happened to me, exactly as you describe OP.

I don't think your daughter should raise the subject with them, it may well make things worse. She needs to join things and make other friends, then move out as quickly as she can.

I realise now, 20 years later, that I was a whole lot prettier than my 'flatmates'! I can't even remember their names now.

Only 2 more months, she just has to survive. Most of us live with people we don't like at uni. We just lump it. Character building and all that.

House sharing can be a nightmare. People you thought were your best friends once you move in together can become your worst enemy.
Is there any reason for their behaviour or is it just out of the blue?
Glad she can get out soon, try and encourage her to just get out the house as much as possible, see other friends, cook nice meals to cheer herself up and keep herself to herself for the last two months.

Slightly different situation but...
My DD is final year at uni, she lives with some lovely housemates who are good friends and she has had no disagreements or issues with. She still finds it tough at times, it can get intense. One housemate annoys DD (when DD explains the reasons I can understand why) but not in an intentional way, just through her habits. DD said she has no right to confront or be unkind to this girl though, she is doing nothing wrong or unkind, her way of living simply differs from DDs.
DD is really looking forward to hopefully being able to afford to rent her own little flat next year. She is very sociable but after a long day at work around people is more than happy to cook a nice meal, finish off work and then get into bed for some TV. She will make a big effort to socialise at least one evening a week, more once she has settled into the job.
She is so excited and ready to move away from shared-living. I think everyone changes and matures a lot around this age and needs to change their arrangements to adapt to their lifestyle and maturity. When you have that combined with nasty housemates, you must be even more ready to move on to a new arrangement which suits you and leave behind your immature 'friends'.

I think it would be better for her to regard herself and the other girls as lodgers who happen to be living in the same house. If it was physically divided into flats, she wouldn't expect the other tenants to become her friends.

She needs to explore other places for making friends- work, maybe join an evening activity, or volunteer somewhere.

Flat sharing is generally a bit crap like that, tbh. I shared throughout my 20s and it only really became ok once I could afford to live in a decent flat (central London prices) with just one other flatmate. Before that it was a case of gritting my teeth and getting on with it.

It happens, and it can really suck. They didn't want her to live with them because they were her friends - they needed someone to pay 1/3 of the rent. It sounds horrible but it's probably the truth.

I'm 25 and engaged and I'm still in a flatshare. It's not all easy. DP and I are in one room and our flatmate has the other, with his DP staying at weekends. I get on with flatmate well enough, but I wouldn't really consider him a "friend" and even though we're all adults, we argue. But, it's easier because we're not all pretending to be best buddies. DP and I have our room - we do our own thing together and don't feel like the flatmate is our "responsibility" if that makes sense?

Your DD needs to try and see these girls as people she lives with, not friends that are excluding her or being mean. I know it's hard but it would make her feel better. They just see her as a lodger and probably don't realise they're leaving her out or being horrible.

Thanks so much for all your comments, they really helped me to say something helpful when I was speaking to her on the phone last night, especially the view that they are just sharing a place together, not friends. We were able to have little laugh about it last night.

She might actually find that the friendships rekindle when she moves out did for me.

I moved in with four other girls at 19. For the most part it was fine, but one girl was horrid to live with. Just liked so differently to the rest of us that that environment became very hostile. Not unlike your daughter at the minute.

When we moved out it was like a pressure had lifted. She moved to France for a year, and when she came back it was like someone had pressed a reset button on our friendship. Because I wasn't living with her, I didn't get nearly as stressed by her.

She remains a good friend to this day, and now we laugh about how incompatible our living styles were. Doesn't mean we can't be friends.

It sounds as though the two original girls asked your DD to move in as a financial support to them. Girls can be so mean and so sorry to hear this... I think though the 2 other girls are in their own zone and may be oblivious to your DD distress.... Hang in there and start focusing on where she is going to move to in 8 weeks x

Dh did house shares until he was in his thirties, living in over a dozen properties with different house mates (badly paid profession).

Some of those became close friends over the years. Others were close friends for a while and then drifted apart. Others again were merely acquaintances. In hindsight, all those things were fine.

I disagree with CMOT.
Living in a place with people who do like you and want you to be there is lovely.
I had a Uni house share like that. Was so nice. I was so happy.
That's is what houses shares are supposed to be like.

Unfortunately your dd seems to have one of those 'other' sort of house shares - one where you are made to feel miserable, because they only ever wanted 1/3 of the rent.

Shame. See it for what it is and move on. asap.
sad for your dd. But I don't think its that uncommon.

Am I the only one wondering if they have a new person they want to move in?

No star!!