How much online privacy/phone privacy does your teen have?

[17leftfeet]

Dd is 13

She has her phone with whatsapp and obviously texting and email

As far as I know she has no access to social networking but I'm not naive enough to be 100% sure

I'm not sure if I should be checking her phone etc -it's not something my parents had to worry about but I worry that as soon as you write something on a screen there is nothing to stop the recipient taking a screen shot and posting it somewhere

I've told her she needs to consider that but seeing what some of her friends put online I'm not sure I can trust her totally, much as I want to

What do other parents do?

When I was a teen we would talk inappropriately about all sorts but it couldn't come back and bite us like a text can

I think you would get a huge variety of responses to the question 'what do other parents do?' from 'I have complete access and check regularly' to 'I respect their privacy and trust them to sort it out themselves' with all the different shades in-between.

I used to check ds' phone and his facebook a/c - in fact I made it a condition when he first got them. At age 14 he has a password on his new phone and I haven't asked for it yet as I do feel at that age he has had the message about online safety and correct behaviour load and clear.

He is sensible but I'm not under any illusion that even the most 'sensible' kid can't get drawn into something. I did speak to him very seriously to say that if he got involved in something bad I would want to know, however ashamed he was of it. In the end I can only hope he would do that.

Ultimately you are the parent and you have to make the decisions that you feel are right even if that means upsetting your dd and being on the receiving end of a lot of outrage. A lot of parents become afraid of setting off a teenage 'tantrum' and it can be a very effective weapon for a kid this age.

I would also say that perhaps you are being naive to think she won't be on social media of some sort if she has a smart phone. Below a certain age it is just as natural and essential as getting dressed and it can be a very positive thing in their lives.

When my dd first went on Facebook age 12 I used to check her FB and email sometimes. I made it condition of her getting them that I would know her passwords. The other condition was that she could only friend people who she actually knows in real life.

She is 15 now and I don't check any more. She still sticks to the rule about friends being known IRL.

IMO the most important way to keep them safe is to talk to them. Talk about the risks. Of course teens will do silly and risky stuff, it's part and parcel of growning up, but keep talking about what might have gone wrong and why. At the end of the day, it is their brains that will keep them safe.

I agree with winter that social media is an important part of their lives. My dd has these lovely private group chats with her school friendship group on FB. Sue it's mostly nonsense, and dd is well aware of that, but they also help each other with homework, discuss their worries and organise meet ups. When dd had her first period recently, she messaged her friends and got lots of supportive replies.

I think it would be very difficult to 'police' your DD's communications - she can delete messages as soon as she gets them after all.

I agree with winter that she might already have Snapchat, Instagram, Tumblr, Twitter or Facebook. Times have changed - I get the impression that teenagers communicate electronically instead of 'hanging out' with their friends sometimes.

I'd make sure that your DD knows about the potential for photos to be 'stolen' and used in other contexts (eg on porn sites) and for screen shots to be taken.

But also if you work at making her confident in herself, listen to her opinions without criticising or arguing make sure she knows he is valued and loved for who she is, the effects of peer pressure will hopefully be minimised and her ability to make good judgements about what to say or not to via her phone will be improved.

To some extent I think people judging the language/pouting selfies of teenagers have more of a problem than the 'offending' teenagers (I don't mean you in particular OP) - if we accept that teenagers are using their phones as a means of self-expression and normal teenage experimenting then it's almost to be expected that they'll make ridiculous comments/ take ridiculous photos and getting in a tizzy over it is as unhelpful/unkind as 'judging' a toddler for having a tantrum IYSWIM. While in theory photos, texts etc could come back to bite them, the excuse of being a teenager at the time should carry a lot of weight IMO IYSWIM. It would be embarrassing and upsetting to have these circulated though.

It's difficult, I don't want to intrude on her private conversations but I also don't want her to to get drawn into some of the quite frankly nasty conversations that go on

She's the sort of person that would jump to her friend's defence rather than starting anything but written words can be misconstrued

She's also currently questioning her sexuality which we have talked about and she knows I've no issues either way but if she posts something on line I worry about her making herself a target if that makes sense

12&15 talk not monitoring here, always has been. No filters on any computer/gadget (and we have loads).

Only rule is no FB until 13 (DD1 only wants it now she's 16, for a specific hobby). DD2 wants it in her 13th, but she already has Instagram etc.

DDs have two hours on the bus to text, who they like and surf the web (although DD2's phone, makes a snail look fast).