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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Repeated Curfew Breaking - WWYD?

27 replies

HarrietSchulenberg · 19/01/2014 19:41

A few weeks ago I posted about DS1 (13) and his coming home late when out with his friends at the weekend. I got some good advice, and as a result DS1 and I agreed that he would be in by 6pm.

Week 1 went well. He went out at 12 and was in just before 6pm and all was fine.

Week 2 was not so good. He went out at 12 last Saturday but sent at text at 5.50 asking if he could stay out until 6.30 as he was at his girlfriend's house (just down the street) and they were watching a film that had another 20 minutes to run. I agreed and told him tea would be ready at 6.30. 6.30 came and went, but no sign of him. I sent him a text at 6.30 and again at 6.40 reminding him he was late and that his tea was getting cold. He rocked in at 6.45, no apology, saying that the film had gone on longer than they'd thought. I told him he had broken his own extension to his curfew and grounded him for one week.

Week 3 - grounded yesterday but free to go out today. Normal curfew of 6pm in place, and he knew it. He went out at 12, as usual, but turned up at 6.15, saying he'd had to walk another friend home which made him late. I told him that was not an excuse, he should have walked friend home earlier so he could get back for 6pm. I've now grounded him again for a week, which means he can't go out at all next weekend, and I've brought his curfew down to 5pm for at least the following week as he can't be trusted.

There are other issues regarding non-completion of homework and generally lax and disorganised attitude to schoolwork, but that's being dealt with separately in conjunction with school.

He is upstairs stamping around and yelling that life isn't fair and how his being late isn't his fault. He asked me to throw it open to MN again to see what "nice mothers" (ie you lot) would do, as he's certain that he's the only boy in the world with a parent who makes them come in on time and sanctions them when they wander in late.

So, what do you all reckon?

OP posts:
lljkk · 19/01/2014 19:53

Ah.... you really need to read this book.
It covers this topic exquisitely.
Maybe you guys can read it together & discuss!?
The gist of their advice is that you keep standing your ground & scolding & admonishing reminding them of where the boundaries are & they keep pushing the boundaries.
Your curfew is holding, it just has tattered edges.

Original poster
HarrietSchulenberg · 19/01/2014 20:10

Thank you for this, lljkk, just ordered a copy.
I think everything has tattered edges at the moment, not just the curfew.

Repentant Boy has just materialised from his cave upstairs to a) apologise for being late and b) beg to keep his 6pm curfew when it's reinstated.

a) graciously accepted but b) rejected but to be reviewed in the light of future behaviour.

OP posts:
2kidsintow · 19/01/2014 20:21

When we give DD a curfew and she is late, however late she was is knocked off the next curfew. Simple, but she views it as fair and it seems to work.

Lilyrose13 · 19/01/2014 21:57

My mum got so annoyed with me when I was 17/18 coming in at all hours she set me a curfew. I was so mortified and embarrassed having a curfew at that age but she knew what she was doing!

She fixed a bolt on the front door, set me a curfew, and if I missed my curfew, bolt went on. I never risked it because I didn't want to be locked out!

Obviously your son is younger, but you could use some sort of variation?

MrsBright · 20/01/2014 08:10

Take stuff away. Phone, ipad, tablet, MP3 - whatever he uses. A few days at first, then rack up the punishment if he doesn't comply or answers back. Phone credit is also a good one to withdraw.

And make it clear you will keep doing this until he complys with the rules and will do it again the instant he breaks your trust.

Claybury · 20/01/2014 09:52

For a boy of his age who is as you say a bit disorganised his curfew breaking doesn't sound that bad to me. He is coming in a bit late, not hours late, and texting you.
I think you need to praise him for keeping in touch ( I think keeping in touch is most important) , and remind him when he is late, but I wouldn't be too hard on him if it's just 15 minutes. He is adhering to your curfews, albeit roughly. If he's wanting to watch the end of a film, that's actually quite reasonable provided he texts you.

If he has to eat cold / reheated dinner that's his problem. If it's a family meal you want him home for, tell him 6pm but plan to eat at 6.30pm.
You have years of curfews ahead of you and you want cooperation not battles at this stage !
I don't consider myself to be particularly liberal it's just that my son is 16 and I think it's really important to establish good curfew /communication habits now.
Remember he is buying into your rules at he moment, in his own way.

NigellasDealer · 20/01/2014 10:00

sorry but i thought when i read your thread title that someone's teenager was coming in from an unknown destination at midnight or so and not keeping in touch.
he is texting you, you know exactly where he is and he is coming in 15 minutes late! sorry but please get a grip!!
as the other poster said , at least praise him for letting you know where he is.
also even the word 'curfew' I find unnecessarily as though you were military police - honelty i think you should lighten up a bit now - you have several years of this ahead.

curlew · 20/01/2014 10:04

What made you decide on 6.00? Is this just on a Saturday? What are the rules for school days? Sorry for all the questions.

FunkyBoldRibena · 20/01/2014 10:08

Dear Harriet's son.

What I would do is to lock the door and for each 10 minutes you were late, keep the door locked and have you standing on the doorstep for one whole long freezing minute.

However what I would teach you is that you need to negotiate your own kurfews better. You said 6:30 when you could have asked for 7 and got brownie points for coming in at 6:45. Under promise and over deliver.

It's also called 'ask for a horse and get a dog'.

FunkyBoldRibena · 20/01/2014 10:17

However...I wouldn't give a 13 year old a curfew that early anyway. I used to be in at around 9pm at that age.

curlew · 20/01/2014 10:21

I think it'd depends what they are doing. I don't think you can have a fixed curfew. For example, if mine's round a friend's house then he can stay much later than if he's at the Rec (has to leave before dark in winter and by 7 in summer because that's when the demographic changes from nice kids to not so nice older kids)

Could you negotiate the curfew on a week by week basis?

titchy · 20/01/2014 10:38

Yeah I kind of agree with your ds (sorry!). Surely what time they have to be back has to be flexible depending on what they're doing, and what is happening in your house at a certain time. What would happen if his mate's mum said he could stay for tea? Would he have to refuse because he is never allowed out after 6pm?

If you always eat at 6.30, and he's late back, then he has to heat it up again himself and eat by himself.

LongTimeLurking · 20/01/2014 11:38

6pm curfew for a 13 year old at the weekend! Grounded for a week for being 15mins late .... After texting you telling you exactly where he was and what he was up to.

Really? Get a grip woman. How are you going to cope when he is 16/17 and rolling in at 2am?

Perhaps if you set the curfew at a reasonable time (8pm) he might arrive home on time.

Original poster
HarrietSchulenberg · 20/01/2014 17:28

8pm, 9pm? For a 13 year old? I am not going later than 6pm when it's dark early. He always goes out at 12 which gives him 6 hours. Summer will be a different matter - might go to 8.30 on a summer evening but I am not having him roaming the streets in the dark when there's nothing open but dodgy pubs. He has a rule and he's repeatedly and deliberately breaking it. 15 minutes, 30 minutes whatever, it's my rule and it's being broken on purpose.

I like 2kids' idea about the time late being knocked off his curfew and I think I'll try that. I think that is the most likely to work with him.

Thanks folks.

OP posts:
curlew · 20/01/2014 17:31

So, not going to show him this thread, then? Grin

chocoluvva · 20/01/2014 18:42

At this time of year it's dark before 6pm though Confused. Unless you're somewhere south of Britain.

Spidermama · 20/01/2014 19:24

I'm with those suggesting your rules are a bit harsh for a 13 year old at a weekend.

I would say a 9 o'clock or even 10pm is the time he must be back at weekends for my 13 year old (nearly 14). 6pm is a joke. His mates will be laughing at him.

I also agree with others that your rules are working, albeit imperfectly. I too have read the book mentioned (It's brilliant).

Claybury · 20/01/2014 19:31

It is fair enough for you to have your rules. People living in different places need to have different curfews.
Pubs are not likely to be of any 'danger' to someone who is 13 are they ? Or even an issue ? They are more likely at that age to be drinking /smoking in parks.
I agree that 6 hours out is plenty at 13. My son used to go out until 5 ish on a weekend -but we later realised they smoke weed early in the day so didn't arouse our suspicions by pushing curfew. I feel I was very naive looking back but I really had no idea.
If he is reasonably happy with the curfews you are setting then that's great, just don't be too hard on him for being a few minutes late. Then you can both be happy. I realise it's annoying when rules are 'bent' but he sounds like he's being pretty cooperative. If he is at a friend's house watching a film and you don't have any reason to be suspicious you need to show him he is trusted by negotiating with him.

CouthyMow · 20/01/2014 19:32

My (sensible) 11yo DS1 has a later curfew than that!! His curfew is 6.30pm on a school night, and 7pm Friday & Saturday. That's somewhat early. His friends will rip the piss massively, and he will feel torn between obeying you and not looking like a baby to his friends!

CouthyMow · 20/01/2014 19:34

(Though my DS1's friends live a bus ride away across town as WE moved away from his school, so the 6.30pm /7pm curfew does include an hour's journey home)

titchy · 20/01/2014 19:35

If you're worried about him coming home in the dark (assume you're rural or no streetlights?) can you not pick him up?

AgentProvocateur · 20/01/2014 19:35

I have a 17 and 18 year old (so I'm not talking out the hole in my arse) and I agree with the others who said that 6pm is a ridiculous curfew for a 13 year old. He wasn't hanging round the park - he was at a friends and he texted and told you he'd be late.

With your harsh curfews and punishments, he'll soon be lying to you about where he is and what he's doing. You need to start trusting him to be responsible.

MostWicked · 20/01/2014 19:48

It's not so much the curfew times that I struggle with, it's the rigidity with which you enforce them.
Grounding for a week for arriving home 15 minutes late, when you knew where he was, just seems OTT. You are getting into battles that don't need to be fought. Just a little more flexibility.
And I like the idea of knocking the time off the next curfew.

Claybury · 20/01/2014 19:49

OP's DS does not actually appear to be unhappy about the curfew time per se and OP seems more annoyed about the breaking of rules than worried about his safety / whereabouts.
OP should realise he IS obeying the rules and although he's slightly annoyingly late it really isn't an issue is it. Not like he wants to stay out until midnight or anything. My DS 16 in all seriousness had a 2 month strop over the summer as he felt he should be able to stay out until 3 am like 'all his mates '.
Assuming OP this is your eldest DC you may need to learn to chill a little ...and he can learn to use the microwave.

TheDoctorsNewKidneys · 21/01/2014 09:58

6pm is so early for a 13 year old. I was always at my mates for "tea" at that age and was regularly home at 8pm or later, and if it was dark, the parent would drop me home or my mum would come and pick me up. Even when I had to walk, I just had to text my mum when I was leaving and that was around 7pm.

I think you need to give him some flexibility. If he's at a mate's house, coming home at 6pm at the weekend is daft. Can't he stay our for tea or go to the cinema or to bowling or something? And I think as long as texts you that he'll be late, grounding him is wrong too.

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