it is normal to think, how DO I parent a pre teen/teen. It's like starting again!

[piratecat]

Just don't know how to reprimand or tackle her with her rude answers. Rude tone. She almost does't realise she's doing it, and says so too.

Am i asking too much, do i just ignore? When do i ignore? I feel i can't let her get away with being arsey each time!

I read about picking your battles, but then I can feel myself rising to her monotone or moody answers to the most simple questions. I hate rudeness, and this isn't how she's been brought up!!

Has been a wonderful kid, still is but i'm pissed off with hearing myself getting annoyed with her attitude, because it's the same old thing and it never changes.

It's like she does not get it. Yet I know she does!

We have a close, fun, loving relationship. It's just me and her, and we really do talk alot, and have been through alot.

I have been saying 'would you speak to your teacher like that' ! OMG, such a cliche, but it's true.

Is it good she's able to express herself? I would no way have spoken to my mum like she does sometimes, I would have pooped myself at the repercussions/the LOOK. I have tried to make our relationship more open than mine was with my mum's. Has it backfired?

thankyou!!

It's normal...and a bit of a shock. It's also a steep learning curve. My advice would be to read the books as soon as possible, they help normalise some of the behaviour and tell you what to look out for that might be leading to trouble further down the line. Top suggestions would be: 'Staying Connected to Your Teenager' (Riera) [my favourite]; Uncommon Sense for Parents with Teenagers (Riera); Yes Your Teen is Crazy (Bradley) and the one I would suggest you start with - Get Out of My Life But First Take Me and Alex Into Town (Franks/Wolf). I think this last one will really help get some ideas and perspective on her rudeness. She's trying hard to negotiate her crazy teen head/hormones, separate from you, establish her own identity and deal with school and life...You are what she is pushing against and you are also her rock and safety net.

Keeping it open is the best thing you can do, without being so permissive that being foul becomes the norm. Respect and understanding for her as she navigates huge changes and a yet set a baseline of behaviour for you and your home. There is lots of advice here on the boards and in the books. My top tip would be to always take 10 seconds (or more) to respond when she is being rude and to try and stay the 'parent' rather than becoming entangled in her rudeness. They are going through a period of brain-scrambling and sometimes dealing with them as a sane and normal person is counter-productive. It is a fine balance between compassion for their transition and staying strong and balanced in yourself. I am in the middle of it with 16 year-old twins and am learning everyday. I find it really makes you look at yourself and what you believe about parenting, school, your own upbringing.

Good luck!

Meant to say too, I find being a single parent, it can be a bit more intense, especially if you are have been brought closer by circumstances. I take it all a bit more personally. I've had to make a conscious effort to get out more in the evenings and get into my own interests otherwise I can end up mulling over every last instance of rudeness.

You can also withhold acts of kindness you'd normally do such as giving lifts if your DD has been rude. This will show her the consequence of her behaviour, ie you don't like being spoken to rudely and don't feel kindly towards her. No big deal, but this is how everyone will react to her being unpleasant.

Avoid getting into circular arguments or going over the same argument. Just say your piece as briskly as possible and repeat that you're not discussing it anymore.

And get her a good vitamin and mineral supplement for women of child-bearing age to help manage 'hormonally influenced' moods.

DD2 has been a teen since she was 6 so I can't really answer your question.

I ignore if it's not too nasty and pull her up on
It or send her to her room if it is.

I'm going to have to have a minor word about mess and washing, but I don't expect it will be heard. It never is.

Fortunately we live in the middle of nowhere, so I always have the ultimate sanction of no lifts

I have a 13 and a 12 yo dd. We encourage debate and (non-shouty) arguments, and self-expression. But we don't tolerate rudeness. Especially in front of other people. We're pretty hard on this (refuse to take them somewhere, laptop confiscation etc).

I say to mine, I want to respect you and listen to you treat you appropriately but I need you to respect my feelings too.

My dds are generally OK with this. They can be argumentative (the 12yo) or a bit rude, but we are trying to emphasise mutual respect all round.

Hi Pirate

I'm in the same boat as a lone parent of a 12yo DD. I think it is a very intense relationship. There are no other adults to bounce your thoughts off / share the nagging, and no other children to dilute the atmosphere.

I've been on my own since before she was born, so we have been extremely close all through her childhood. We probably rely on each other too much tbh.

DD started with the hormones not long after she turned 11, but I got through that change thanks to MN and reading the "Me and Alex" book recommended above. The point made in the book, that teens need to push away from you, made me think that there's a lot further to push when your relationship is as intense as ours.

Also I've had to give myself a talking to and make sure that my needs are not making the situation worse - eg I occasionally get from DD now "go away, I want to be on my own". This is very new, as all she's wanted throughout childhood is for me to play with her / watch TV with her / help me to cook.

I totally understand why she wants and needs more space as she grows up, and I don't even really mind that she says it in such a rude way, because it's hard to say things like that tactfully, but I do get a pang of regret every time. I don't want more space to myself - it's boring and lonely, but I need to not let her see that. She's not responsible for providing me with entertainment, and if I try to make her spend time with me it will backfire and make her push away harder.

It's good advice to start building up more hobbies and activities now, but I'm struggling a bit because I don't really feel at 12 she's old enough for me to go out eg to the gym / evening class and leave her at home, especially when it's dark at night. I might start doing one night a week for 45 mins when she gets to Y8.

On the plus side - my kitchen is much cleaner than it used to be, because I tend to hang out in there tidying up to give her a bit of space!

Sorry this has turned into a ramble about me! In answer to your questions - I do pick DD up on blatant insults. I don't want to turn into her punchbag. On the other hand, I try to let tone of voice go. It's difficult and obviously it depends on my mood how successful I am at this.

I read on these boards to focus on the outcome eg eye rolling, huffing, slamming doors on the way to tidy the bedroom is a better outcome than smiling, nodding and totally failing to pick up a single sock. I try to remember that as much as possible.

You have my sympathies! it really is like getting to know a whole new side to you child when they hit their teens. The theory of picking your battles is spot on but not always easy in reality. I'm awaiting delivery of a couple of the books suggested in the hope that I will gain a little more insight - it's a long road ahead and I'm hoping to enjoy the good times too! Good luck

No other DCs to dilute the atmosphere would make DD2 very hard work.

As it is she gets me and her 'refuses to be a teen' 15y sister both shrugging and ignoring her attitude.

oh thanks for your replies. i only just got a chance to logon here now.

I will have to re read in the morning, your replies and advice are sound and so helpful, particularly the references to the books and, yes the lone parent answer.

It's really heartening to hear what you have to say, everyone!