Question on TV programmes and films and their suitability for teens...

[Loveineveryspoonful]

... And how to avoid row with dh!
I have ds 15 and even though I know I can't really control everything he sees on tv or PC, I do feel I have the right and the duty as a parent to point out programmes I deem "unsuitable", I.e. Gratuitous sex and violence etc. I argue my stand and then really it's left up to him, but he wouldn't openly disrespect my "suggestions" and insist on watching them in front of me or stalk out screaming abuse that he definitely will do just that!!! So happy enough there.
My dh has ds 13 and dd 16, who do spend quite a bit of time with us on a regular basis. While dh is reticent but ultimately willing to listen to me for "recommendations" for ds, there are absolutely no boundaries in place for dd. there never were, and we met when she was 12.
In fact, it goes the opposite way, she's always been encouraged to watch adult programmes with him, now us. Sometimes the films and series are pure horror, adult psycho horror that I'd never look at, not slasher scary movie nonsense. Btw, he has form for pretending she was born an adult...

I have given up. But feel bad, for her. Should I continue to have words with dh, or shut up and ignore as its his dd, not mine?

I would assume he knows his daughter better than you do, and is aware of what content she can cope with and what content she might find frightening or upsetting.

Unless you can see some evidence of her being disturbed in some way, and is a normal well adjusted 16yo, I would stay out of it.

Perhaps you could give us an idea of the kind of thing she watches, as it is all subjective; I've had people telling me that Dr Who was too scary for my 8yo and that The Woman in Black was too scary for my 13yo, neither of which was true.

I get the idea of gratuitous violence- but what is gratuitous sex?

Thanks for replies.
Adeu, I honestly think he can't gauge this, at best, needing her to be the adult in the relationship, at worst, iyswim.
Cory, she herself feels v awkward when there are really explicit sex scenes and will either shriek (tongue in cheek) or eventually leave if its relentless... Pretty obvious stuff, though, I don't want to split hairs over individual programmes and tastes.
I realize its really none of my business, but one of the reasons we are in couple counseling is that dh sets dd no boundaries, panders to her every whim and generally gives her a v twisted view of the world and what she can expect (everything apparently!). No such problems with his son...
So, no, I don't think she's well adjusted at all.
And call me pathetic, but I can't help seeing it as a v subtle form of child abuse?
Either I'm getting paranoid or dh is a jerk .

Loveineveryspoonful Thu 16-Jan-14 14:28:03

"Cory, she herself feels v awkward when there are really explicit sex scenes and will either shriek (tongue in cheek) or eventually leave if its relentless... "

In that case it would seem to me that she is learning the very useful skill of self regulating and refusing to watch something she does not enjoy.

Or do you think he is doing it as a form of bullying- I am going to make you watch this because it makes you uncomfortable? Because that is something I would see as abusive.

If it's more his just making a mistake about what she finds enjoyable, then it does seem as if she is able to make that clear through her reactions.

I just can't see it as anything as serious as bullying or abuse. Maybe if she was much younger, but at 16? As you say, she walks out if she doesn't like it. It is clear that his parenting style is very different to yours, but that doesn't necessarily mean that your way is the right way, or that you can impose your values on other people. Does he criticise your patenting too?

Thanks again for taking the time to respond.
We had a bit of a blow up, not re tv but parenting in general.
I was obviously getting hung up on the small screen and not seeing the bigger picture!
Both dh and dm are keen to raise their kids v "liberally", there is a strong wish to have them be as independent as possible, which I read as hands off parenting, but if things ever went wrong there is plenty of family money to bail them out. But I agree with the idea she is forming her own boundaries.
I don't have that kind of financial backup and am trying to raise my ds more "conservatively", instilling perhaps old fashioned values to make sure he can look after himself, that includes respecting adults, working hard in school etc. Dh doesn't believe in pulling his kids up on rudeness, especially towards me I feel...
I've tried v hard to make a go of blending our families, but I see entertainment is the least of my worries.
No matter what I do there is a great divide in perception and I am having difficulty making things clear to ds .
Thanks again!