Boyfriend etiquette?

[Weegiemum]

My dd1 is 13, will be 14 in 3 weeks.

She has a boyfriend. He's a lovely boy, they've been in the same class since p2 (think that's y1). I've met his parents at school events - it's a small school year, only c. 50 students, they're in S2 (y8 - yes, the ages work differently in Scotland).

She wants to "do something" with him at the weekend. So far, they've met in town and gone to the Christmas market, gone to the cinema in a group, gone bowling in a group.

My issue is - she wants to "meet" but refuses to tell me why, or to do what? She's only 13 - I don't think it's unreasonable for her to tell me where she will be and for how long!

Haven't freaked out this much since toddlerdom!

I know this is in teens, but AIBU?

Has she been to visit him at his home?

No, she hasn't, and us very coy about him coming round here for tea (might be that her brother and sis yer can't be relied upon to be discreet, but he has the same issue!!)

Might they be planning to go round to his house at the weekend?

She might not want to confess to you that they're just going to 'hang out' and not want to tell you that in case you disapprove. Or she might be hoping to arrange a date but her BF hasn't given her a definite answer yet IYSWIM.

Unless she can tell you exactly what they will be doing/going the answer has to be No.

And if BF is putting pressure on her for 'anything else', this is exactly the sort of imposed boundary she will actually be able to use wisely.

A few suppers round at your house first - he needs to be aware of the ground rules.

It's perfectly reasonable to expect to know where she is and what she's doing, at this age... And to expect time with GF/BFs to be accompanied or supervised.

However... People always suspect and fear the worst with teens, but the chances are she can't tell you what they're doing simply because she doesn't know... Her wish to just be with him means she doesn't care what the plans are, or even if there are any. Now she's defensive because she fears (rightly) that you're going to say 'no', not because she's hiding anything, I'd guess.

Rather than saying "You can't see him unless you tell me what you're doing" - which creates a problem she may not be able to solve - how about saying "Of course you can see him. He can come and do X with us unless you have better plans" - which offers her a solution and reassurance. :)

I think flow is right, she prob is worrried you will stop her seeing him. How about reassuring her that yes she can see him you just need to know where she is and when she will be back. I don't have teens yet tho so I could be wrong. What about ice skating or something like that?

Where you'll be, who with and when will you be back are all fair questions.

IME they are questions DD2(12) can only answer approximately. Several of her DFs live in the same village, it's totally normal for them just to go round to each other's house, call on the boy across the road or get a parent to take them to another friend about a mile away.

Living in the sticks where DDs were always in the house or garden, unless they had specifically said they were taking their bikes round the lanes, this is weird.

DD1's DF lives even more in the middle of nowhere, not that that helps as they are guide friends and at 15/16 quite likely to hike to town, the village or vanish into the hills, where there is SFA mobile coverage.

And if their plans are vague - which is very likely given the lack of organisational abilities of most teenagers, especially dare I say it, boys, your DD might not want you 'sticking your oar in' as she will see it.

She might be hoping to arrange something that would give them sufficient privacy to have their first kiss or cuddle, but it sounds very unlikely that they're planning anything more.

Dsd2 is 13 - she doesn't have a boyfriend this week, but that will probably have changed by next!
She quite often wants to just "hang out" with her friends/boyfriend when she had one, with no specific plans. They go into town, go to MacDonalds or Subway, wander round the shops, giggle a lot and generally have a great time to themselves. She used to get quite argumentative about where she was going and what she was up to, until she realised that dp and I accepted "just going into town for a mooch" as a perfectly acceptable plan, as long as we knew who she was with, which bus she was getting home, and she had her mobile with her.
I don't think it would be fair to assume they are planning something untoward, I would imagine they're just wanting to do similar to dsd, and at nearly 14 I think that's fine.
We are also in Scotland, in a not particularly big place, where I can guarantee that at least two people will tell me they saw dsd in town at the weekend - who she was with, what they were doing, what time it was, and their opinion on what she was wearing! Dsd also is aware of this, so maybe it'd be different if we were in a big anonymous city.

x-posted.

Dumpylump has put it so much better than me. I completely agree. And they don't want to admit that they don't have any specific plans because they don't or can't say that they just want to enjoy the experience of having enough independence to organise their afternoon in whatever way takes their mood at the time.

Vague is definitely the word for teen organisation.

"DD1 is youth group on?" (I need to know it moves tea earlier and she needs a lift)
"Duh, don't know"

Give me strength, you have had a week to FaceTime, text, email and use a old fashioned landline and you don't know!