Help with clashes between dd(16) & dh.

[Inkspellme]

I would appreciate some advice about my dd and my dh (her dad). Generally the house is fine but with a teenager in the house there are inevtible clashes. When dd and I clash I try to stay calm and try not to shout. I don't always suceed. My plan is usually to say what the problem is, argue it out as calmly as possible and dish out discipline such as confiscating headphones or phone for set period of time. I would also expect an apology if her behaviour was out of line. I still end up shouting sometimes but it never gets worse than that.

When my dh has a row with her it always goes to a shouting match. I've had 4 different rows since christmas like this. He is blunt to the point of rudeness and I feel caught in the middle.

my mothers instinct tells me to defend my daughter even if its my dh arguing with her. In reality this is prob making it worse and making it a me and dd against dh feeling. Its not how I want my dh to feel. Its how he goes about disciplining that I have a prob with. it feels like two teenagers fighting instead of an adult disciplining his dd. I have explained this to him but old habits die hard and both of them just go back to the old pattern.

Any suggestions as to what should I do? maybe let them at it and not get involved? maybe dd sees it as us against dh? I would hope not as there are plenty of times where I have backed him up when her behaviour was not acceptable. I just can't back him up when he's wrong. Dd knows I won't take her side if I think she's wrong.

The only other person in the house is 11 year old ds who is very placid and rarely will argue about anything.

Any suggestions as to how I can get my dh to handle it more calmly or should I learn to cope and react differently?

Will watch this with interest as have the same problem with dp and ds16.

In our house I'm the shouty one and dh is calm.
What helps me is if dh steps in when he can see I'm going to lose my cool.
It's about getting him to see its not the way forward so wanting to make a change.
It's also to do with his you were raised, we were shouted at and mum wasn't a great communicator so unfortunately that's how I learned.

I have two dds 16 and 18 ...whenever there's an inevitable argument ..I try to stay calm and talk without shouting ..dh however tries his best to stay calm ( as advised by me ) but he can't manage it for long and ends up shouting. I know this is out of worry for them both and wanting them to be safe. (Also maybe annoyance at attitude)
My way of dealing with this is ,explaining to the girls how he is really feeling ,and for them to try to understand why he gets mad.
And to my dh I try to be on his side but I have to explain to him that if you are calmer with teenagers and talk things through ,if possible ,then we as parents will gain a lot more information.
It is really difficult but I do know they both come to me with plenty of teenage bombshells they wouldn't tell their dad ....even if I don't agree ,I will be calm ( I don't always feel like it but I know they will clam up if shouting is involved)
In my learning experience with teenagers is ..keep calm and muddle through

Thanks for the comments everyone.

Def my dh does it out of concern. the latest was a row about her eating too much chocolate and how it wasn't good for her! He's right for one reason or another too much choc isn't good for her. why they both have to end up shouting about it I just don't get. but perhaps if he went about things tactfully he might get a better response. I know I get better response if I go about her with more restraint. Def she comes to me with more chat but that could just be a mom daughter thing.

My dh doesn't have any sisters and I do wonder do teenage girls baffle him a bit.

I get the idea that it's what you grow up with as well but funnily enough I was the one who had a shouty dad. my dh's late dad was a very quiet placid man. Part of the reason I hate the shouting is because I was on the receiving end of it and hated it. My dh wasn't and maybe doesn't realise the lasting memories it has. He needs to though.

All he's doing is teaching her how to argue. Not a great example.

Time to speak your mind lady - 'stop behaving like a 10 year old with her, and back off.' Explain how it it isnt about 'winning', its about stating your case/point of view/required behaviour etc very calmly, explaining the consequences for non-compliance etc, then walking away. Its not about SHOUTING like a teenager yourself!

Thanks all.

You've given me plenty to work on. I agree about that I don't want to undermine my dh. Thats something which will lead to dd playing us one off against the other as well as building resentment between dh & I. I showed this thread to him as well as explaining how the problem is not that he disciplines but how he does it. Lets just say...its a work in progress!

Thanks again!