I am a Wimpy Mum and need help

[cheeseislovely2]

Hi all

Originally posted on the relationship forum but have been advised that this might be a good place to garner support.

I was hoping that I could draw on your collective wisdom to help me find a way out of the hole I have dug for myself.
It might be a bit of a long post so I apologise in advance.

My problem in a nutshell is that my inability to create boundaries and say no to my daughter is getting worse, as is her behaviour and I don’t know how to change myself to be a better parent to her.

Without boring you all with the details I think some of the problem stems from my own childhood.
My father was a violent man and I bore the brunt of a lot of this violence – I was often the scapegoat for the families frustrations so adapted by trying to do everything I could to keep the peace. I was the diffuser of arguments, never had an opinion on anything and pandered to the rest of the families moods to keep things bearable.
This combined with me being highly sensitive as a child compounded the issue.

I think the most profound affect of all this was that I became a people pleaser to the extreme – In a strange way it is almost like a talent.
Friends have said I have an uncanny knack of making everyone I meet feel comfortable, and a warm and friendly manner that is lovely to be around.
But while I like getting on with people this “skill” masks what I think is a form of protecting myself from feelings of extreme unease. If I think people are unhappy with, or around me this just feels awful.

This draws me back to the problem I have as a parent.
From the moment my daughter was born I have had a complete inability to say no to her or do anything that would cause her discomfort.
I find it hard to explain but her being upset with me or angry causes a stress reaction in me that is almost too hard to bare .That sounds so over the top but it’s the only way I can describe it.

Her behaviour has always been very, very challenging (my fault I know) – She is defiant to the extreme and will say no to everything I try to get her to do. Even stuff that she might want to do gets short shrift just for the sake of saying no.

So the common dynamic in my house is that she is defiant and I try and try to get her to do the usual stuff but can never see it through and always end up backing down. due to not being able to deal with the stress of the constant confrontations.

This has made me in to a really useless Mum – She literally does what she wants.
She is 13 by the way, but she has total autonomy in the house – I think in a strange way the polar opposite of my own childhood.
She has complete control where I had none – Ironically I never, ever wanted her to feel powerless like I did so I think again my ability to take control back
is rooted in never wanting her to feel like she has no power.

I’m not a complete right off and come into my own in the being a fun Mum stakes.
We have loads and loads of fun together and she gets an abundance of love and affection from me, and I her.
But when the fun stops and I have to be a parent I am useless.

Please anyone if you could offer any words of advice or suggestions I would be so grateful.
I have honestly never met a parent who is as wimpy as me.

Thank you for taking the time to read this and apologies for the typos and grammar as trying to compose this on a phone

Hi,

This reminds me of a story my dad told me. A friend of his came round and said his married son had just been out and bought their first new sofa since they got married. He had asked his dad "dad, how do I stop the kids jumping up and down on the sofa", and the reply..."You never let them start"

Profound huh? And not helpful in your instance apart from to point out that when you want to have a rule, have one. I've heard parenting described as a benign dictatorship and that's exactly what it is.

Sometimes you can choose to justify a rule, where you think the child will understand. Other times there can just be rules because that's the way you want to live, no argument.

You do sound a lot like my DP, she is very easy going and hates conflict. Her near 16 yr old rules the roost at her dads house and tries the same with us which can create friction to say the least.

What we've done just recently is draw up a contract for her. It's just five or six fundamentals, we explain why they are important to us and what we need from her. The phrase I'm particularly proud of is "because you're old enough NOT to have to have everything done for you" which she really can't argue with unless she wants to deny her own maturity.

Whatever way you try and set your boundaries, you must make it clear what the consequences will be if she crosses them. They must be proportionate and you must be willing to carry them out. Do not make threats you obviously won't go through with, these days Internet access and phone denial hit most teens pretty hard, so does taking mum's taxi off the road.

On the positive side you also need to acknowledge good behaviour, thank her for tidying her room or helping with the dishes and tell her how much time that saved you.

It is a difficult time, but you can steer your own course through it, it doesn't have to be hers.

Good luck!

Hi,

I have a similar background and have had similar issues with my DC - fortunately, DS1 was very good at training me to have firm boundaries - as he is a bit Aspie and actually can't cope with being in charge.

I think that once I got my head around him actually being happier with firm clear boundaries, then it made it easier to enforce them... (it's actually pleasing people as it ultimately makes them happy and secure)

My kids are great at debating with me endlessly - eventually I figured a stock phrase of 'this is my decision and it will not be changed' - as a stuck record, works pretty well.

HTH and makes some sense to you

Thank you all for your ideas and suggestions.
It is really helpful to get other peoples viewpoints.

Lovey you are doing her no favours by letting her rule you and letting her do things she wants you need to be clear and firm with what you want and need from her parent and child is a too way thing ime, it is should be give and take, you need to be firm for her sake children look for boundries (sp) they really do that is why they push and push and push, if you dont want her to do X Y Z say NO give her the reason for the NO and stick to it, she will kick scream and generally humph her way to getting her own way, she may even shout I HATe you, she doesn't hate you you are saying no for her own god, you can do it you are nothing like your family you are your own person, I have seen family members children walk all over their mother and it is heartnreaking to see them treat her like shit,

oh sorry for lack of any full stop or comma in my post

Could you work out a little mantra for yourself when you find yourself stressed over confrontation? Something that ties into the fact that teens actually need boundaries to feel reassured and cared for.

You say that she argues against even stuff she might want to do for the sake of saying no. Can you see what she is doing here? She is looking for reassurance that you are still in charge, that you are strong enough to lean on. I would practise a calm look and tone in front of the mirror and definitely work out a stock phrase so you don't get drawn into endless arguments.

Can you see what she is doing here? She is looking for reassurance that you are still in charge, that you are strong enough to lean on. I would practise a calm look and tone in front of the mirror and definitely work out a stock phrase so you don't get drawn into endless arguments

^^ this

There's some very big plus factors here. You have a lovely relationship with your dd, you have fun together and give and receive loads of affection.

The fact that she has always been defiant is not necessarily all your fault - she has her own personality, a different child might have presented different challenges.

Sounds like you've got a lot of excellent insight and have correctly diagnosed the root of the issue:
'Ironically I never, ever wanted her to feel powerless like I did so I think again my ability to take control back is rooted in never wanting her to feel like she has no power'.

I would think it's going to be near-impossible to start taking a more dominant tack with her after 13 years but since your relationship is good can you use that to help with communication? Maybe speak very honestly and directly to her, tell her how bad it makes you feel when you have to deal with confrontation and what rules you absolutely need her to abide by.