Deliberate destruction of furniture - WWYD?

[jennifersofia]

DC (12) extremely worked up and angry/upset this evening, took a family heirloom and held the edge of it in the fire, the paintwork is a bit charred. She wanted to make me upset because she was angry with me. I had told her she must find her phone before bedtime or there would be a consequence. She knows how much this particular thing means to me.
She then went on to have a 45 min meltdown, rather hysterical. This is the first time there has been deliberate damage to something, but not the first time there has been a meltdown, shouting, banging doors, throwing soft things.
How would you deal with this? What can I do that would help her? DH suggests having her do something to give energy back to me, like cleaning two cupboards. I am not sure.

Thanks for your thought, ZenNudist.
In this case I don't mind if it segues off into another discussion - though I don't think it is a recent phenomena, though perhaps percentages are increasing. On behalf of my DD, I do want to reiterate that she is not generally physically violent.

If you are interested in this topic why don't you do your own research - look into other places than the Oxford study.

It is usual for the person who makes a claim and who says that their claim is based on research to also provide the evidence that supports it. It is rude to make a sweeping claim and then say “research it yourself”.

Why would I need to look anywhere other than the Oxford study? It is reputable and recent and I have no reason to disbelieve its authors' claim that it is the only large-scale UK study of its kind. If you do have evidence that things have changed dramatically then it's up to you to present it. Feel free to put in a URL for the Speigel article (though my German may not be up to it)

I think all children go through rebellious times, you just have to rise to the challenge, stick to your boundaries and think creatively. Her father's idea of getting her to do things with you or for you is actually a good one. Your relationship is changing and she will needs to learn to take some responsibility for her behaviour and earn some independence.

Yes, it is the earning her independence. I want to help her, not just punish for punishment's sake (though if I am completely honest, part of me wants too!)
I find this thing of control vs independence hard to negotiate, esp related to online / computer / phone use. Since she hit secondary and suddenly having to think about online exposure it seems an explosion of complication!

jennifer hopefully this was a rare incident from your dd, really upsetting for you.

My ds has had angry outbursts triggered off in the past by becoming agitated over playing Minecraft. I am looking into ways of helping him to manage his anger by CBT; hope to get hold of some books and research on the internet. And to keep us all safe: he's hit me. He seems OK at the moment though, but he has such a temper and is so sensitive and can't overcome friendship difficulties. Your boundaries with your dd's phone sound sensible as does your dh's suggestion she makes amends.

Just also wondered if your dd is stressed or upset over friendship difficulties that may have impacted on her behaviour. My ds came in very upset from school just before Christmas one evening; dd unfortunately didn't leave him alone and he was aggressive to her; we had to intervene and he lashed out at us as well. What would have been better on reflection would be to remove dd, leave him to it and tackle him later about his aggression when calm. Everything went wrong for him that day; he later told us he was almost hit by a car on the way home :(

Also thanks Kleinzeit for book recommendation, I like the idea on another thread about sorting out what is important into 'baskets.'

We are going to try a family chat, where we all get to talk for 5 minutes uninterrupted so resentments are out in the open and we can try and sort things out.

If it's a smart phone just turn off the wifi. I sometimes unplug the hub and lock it in the car when things get bad.