what to do about 15 year old and sex

[longingforsomesleep]

DS is 15 (year 10) as is his girlfriend of about 3 months. They are allowed in each other's bedrooms provided they leave the door ajar and there are people in the house. This afternoon the door was only open a tiny fraction and I was becoming uneasy about the creaky bed noises coming from inside. Opened the door to find them both under the duvet and semi-clothed.

I was cross and told them both to go downstairs. We were all about to eat anyway and afterwards ds came to me and asked me not to tell his gf's mum who was about to pick her up. I said I'd have to think about it as I felt uncomfortable about not telling her but then agreed I wouldn't. He then told me that they had been about to have sex for the first time - he had a condom ready!!!

Leaving aside how gob-smacked I am at him volunteering this information, I'm now in a quandary over what to do. Obviously I've told him he's too young and I can't condone it. But I'm not stupid and I'm sure they will find opportunities. I therefore want him to be armed with as much information as possible, dispel any myths and be sure that, if there are any mistakes, they don't just keep their fingers crossed. But that seems like giving him the green light.

Any advice please?!

My only thoughts come from remembering what I was like at that age: whatever you do or say, they'll definitely have sex at the next opportunity. You've been given a golden chance to talk to your boy about safe sex just before he does it for the first time. Don't pass that up. (Sorry if not what you wanted to hear!)

Also, and not absolutely relevant, but I'll always remember what a lovely woman I used to know told me about her daughter. At 15, her DD came to her saying she was going to have sex with her BF. My friend took her DD to the doctor, to get her on the pill. The doc wouldn't prescribe it, said to wait a while etc etc. 9 months later, she gave birth to a beautiful baby boy...

indeed. Before they start playing hide the sausage (which they WILL) she needs to get on the pill if medically possible, and to be fully briefed on the importance of taking it at the right time. They also need to use condoms every time, PLUS be aware of where they get the MAP.

until all this is done, they stay where they are chaperoned in houses. Don't make it too easy for them.

But how do I get her to go on the pill? She's not my dd. Do I suggest to her mum that she goes on the pill?! He said to me that if I told her mum and dad what happened this afternoon she'd be grounded and her dad would never let them see each other again. (Dramatic I know but I ended up saying I wouldn't say anything on this occasion BUT it had better not happen again. And if I say to him he needs to ask her to go on the pill then it's like I'm condoning it.)

I'm floundering because I feel like I'm saying, "you're too young; it's not going to happen ...... but if it does, then you need to do/know x, y and z."

DS is quite a sensitive boy and his gf has a number of issues (self-harms, anorexic, gets bullied) so I feel I'm wading through an emotional minefield and have no idea how to behave!

Oh dear this is tricky - I feel for you.
Do you know the girl's parents? You said they were allowed in each other's bedrooms with the door open so is that the rule in her house too? In which case would you be able to talk to her parents? They are under age so I wonder if you should? If this had happened with my DD I would definitively appreciate a call from the boy's mum. What if the mum finds out they have DTD at your house - that's put you in very difficult position.
It's really unfair on you ( & perhaps immature? ) to be doing what they were doing with door slightly open and you home. Did they not think you may call them for dinner anytime?!
It's not up to you to talk to her about the pill is it- I'd be furious if my DD had a bf whose mum advised her about contraception ( unless there are unusual circumstances whereby she really can't talk to her mum). Because as you say it implies you are encouraging them.

I think given that you know her family will go nuts that you shouldn't let them be alone upstairs in your house as they will see that as having condoned it if it ever gets out. I think you should have a very frank discussion with your son about safe sex and all that goes with it and suggest he goes with his girlfriend to her gp so she goes on the pill (and tell him that her parents won't know if that is putting her off) but I also think you have a duty not to make it too easy for them. It's really difficult. I feel for you !

I would def talk to the other parents first. They should know what's going on and have an equal say in the matter. Personally, if it was my DS, they'd have broken my trust by this point and I'm afraid to say I'd stop the up in the bedroom for a while. People say they will find elsewhere to do it but that doesn't mean you need to enable it. I remember my Dad when I had a boyfriend at 15 saying I could have him round in the day untill I was 16 and if I respected his wishes, then once we both turned that age, he could sleep over. I thought even at my stroppy 15 year old self that was quite reasonable so we did wait till I was 16, Dad had the talk as did my boyfriend's parents with him and even now I respect my Dad a lot for compromising with me and think I'll use the same approach with my own children. 100% talk to the parents though as the girl might not want even to go on the pill which is fair enough, I didn't want to either at that age!

They have reached this stage so are going to have sex anyway now. He sounds quite mature and has at least thought about contraception. It is really about whether you are happy with them being together in your home.

We did have a long talk about sex last night. He's unusually open and willing to discuss these things with me (unlike his older brothers!). He thinks 16 is an arbitrary and unreasonable age and thinks he knows everything he needs to know. So I asked him lots of questions and made him realise that he doesn't (he thought you couldn't get pregnant unless you ejaculate; didn't know about the morning after pill etc etc).

BUT the whole situation is becoming hugely complex. As mentioned above his gf has a few problems (annorexia, self-harms) but it is becoming increasingly clear to me that she is extremely emotionally unbalanced. She almost feeds off ds - demanding his constant attention and reassurance. His phone buzzes constantly and she gets angry if she can't contact him. Now they're going back to school I've said he has to put his phone and laptop outside of his bedroom door by 10 every night - otherwise if she's awake she's in contact and it's interfering with his sleep. He had an inset day today and about 9am was looking really miserable. Apparently she was very angry with him because he hadn't woken up in time to get his phone off me and contact her before school. Everything is a huge drama. She is bullied and 'everyone at school hates me'; she feels poorly so 'maybe needs to go to hospital'; she cuts herself then sends ds photos of bloody tissues on his phone etc etc. It's a most unhealthy relationship imo. The neediness appeals to ds's ego and masculinity I guess, but instead of trying to persuade her to put things in perspective, he sympathises and makes all the noises she wants to hear.

This evening, he came rushing downstairs telling me I had to ring his gf's mum as she had locked herself in the bathroom and told him there was no point in her going on and then the phone had gone dead. DS was crying, shaking and in a terrible state. So I rang his gf's mum. Gf's brother had been nasty to her. So she'd told ds that, if her family didn't care about her there was no point in living. Then, apparently, her phone had switched itself off .

I am in despair. He is a lovely, sensitive, hugely intelligent boy who is being sucked into emotional turmoil.

And before I get flamed, yes I do feel sorry for his gf. She appears to be a lovely bouncy affectionate girl but clearly has a number of issues which my immature 15 year old ds is having to grapple with. I have tried to explain that he is not doing her any favours by endorsing her extreme behaviours and that he needs to encourage her to take a more balanced view. But part of me wonders if I shouldn't just ban all contact before he gets in any further.

Help?!

Honestly? Buy him another packet of condoms and let them get on with it. I'd rather do that then them doing it in some needle covered dirty alley without protection with a higher risk of teenage pregnancy.

Obviously you can't force this girl on the pill- but you need to have a frank conversation with the other girls parents. Realistically, they are going to do it no matter what you say.

Be sensible and help them protect themselves. Being a teenage parent is far from a happy teddy bears picnic.

Give me a room full of toddlers over a couple of teens 'in love'!

Do you think his older brothers would be able to make him see that this relationship isn't healthy?

The sex is one thing, the relationship is quite another and I wouldn't want my DS being dragged into her emotional vortex :( I do feel for the girl, but she needs adults supporting her, helping her to work through her issues - not an easily manipulated 15 year old boy. It's not healthy for either of them.

First of all I wonder: Why do you feel uncomfortable with it? Do you miss something in your own sex life?

Second:
Why allow them together in the bedroom and not have sex? It's like telling the cat off for eating your fish that you left in the kitchen for half an hour. Come back to eat it and now it's gone. So you get angry on the cat. Instead of being angry at yourself.

Another point is that it would have been their first time. You not only interrupted them. You also were crossed. This probably was an uncomfortable negative experience for them. Like with most people. The experience you have with your first time or attempts to have sex for the first time. That will stay with you for life.

If the first time becomes a negative experience a feeling of shame, anxiety and other negative feelings can come back to a person every time he/she gets close to the other person.

You told him he was to young to have sex. Age is just a number. At the age of 16 people used to get married and start their own family. Only recently we started to get this idea that a child becomes an adult at the age of 18. Before that he's just a child.
They're young adults. As long as no one is forced to have sex against their will and he had condoms. I see no evidence of that they were to young to have sex.

You can try to have a chat about safe sex. Say sorry for first allowing them together in the room and then get crossed when they try to have sex.
Although having a chat with a parent about safe sex might be a bit to late now. He might feel it's now private and between him and his girlfriend. And that safe sex isn't the topic anymore he wants to chat about with you.

You can go to a sexual health clinic and get some flyers about sexual health, STI's and have condoms in the bathroom or some place where he can take them when he needs them.

Personally I'd also make sure they know that condoms doesn't protect against all STI's. Like warts, genital herpes, crabs and some more. And that some wart viruses could cause cancer.

You can also catch something dangerous by a simple kiss. Not that easy, but you can get hepatitis B from kissing. But there's more that could be transferred from one person to the next by saliva. Even when both are healthy and even by a first time.

This information will make them think twice.
Having sex should always be a positive experience for both partners. But as nice as it is. Don't just do it.

Hundreds of people die every year in the UK alone of cancers that were caused by a STI. And every year people die from STI's like HIV. Or become infertile. Which doesn't always needs to be caused by a STI, it can also be caused by bacteria that natural lives in the vagina.

It's lovely to have sex, but adults should be aware that there're always risks involved when having sex.
So don't just do it with everyone, because that will increase the risks of catching something that you don't want to have. And all the trouble afterwards isn't worth those couple of minutes of pleasure.

@JessMcL

and others...

Where is this fear of teenage pregnancy's coming from? I wouldn't be that scared of it. Might not be the ideal situation, but when it happens you know there are several options there for the maybe soon the be parents to choice from:

• abortion
• adoption
• becoming a parent

Being young doesn't mean you'll be a bad parent, or that you got to stop school.
It might be a bit more difficult, because some idiots are so quickly to judge you on your age.
They'll make things harder for you, but try to understand that their prejudice says more about them then about you as a teenage parent.

I would be far more worried about their health. A pregnancy will sooner or later leave the body. HIV and other illnesses won't!!!

I would be more scared of them then a pregnancy.

Having a child that becomes a teenage parent, might be difficult. But you can't turn things back. So best is then to be happy about it and welcome your grandchild.

Having a teenager coming home with the message that he/she got HIV or some other horrible illness caught from having sex with someone.... Meaning that their and your life is turned irreversible for ever and that it'll only gets worse and that you as a parent might even have to face the fact that you got to bury your own flesh and blood and some point.

Simply because your child had sex.
These are 2 sides of what can go wrong and can go very wrong when your child becomes sexual active.

So I don't get this fear of teenage pregnancy other then people let themselves be so influenced by the media instead of using their own brain. If it happens then it happens. And when it does then I'd much rather have a pregnancy then a STD.

You don't half post some shite profile.

OP, I don't know how to do it but I do think your ds needs distance from this girl. It's probably not manageable with teens though so it might be a case of supporting him through it. Her parents should not let her be relying on your ds like this.

You don't half post some shite profile.

and in what language is this?

Profilewithoutaname:

Can I ask you- have you been a teenage parent? Because I have. My parents welcoming their grandchild? They disowned me the second I refused to murder my own child. I haven't heard from them for over 17 years. It was shit. I had no support for over 3 years until I met my now OH. Dad didn't want to know (not many teenage dads do- they have the free ticket out of the situation). Going back to school? Forget about it. There was nothing like the support people get now a days. I went back to school 4 years ago to complete my GCSEs and i'm currently doing an access course now- well, i'm on a six month break as I have a newborn to look after!

Oh and answer me, profile- how can a virgin catch an STD? [b] SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASE [/B]

You can contract warts, crabs and herpes from genital contact - so yes, you could be a virgin and have an STI

Your post of 19:52 is yelling CAUTION to me. She is very dramatic. Is he being pushed into this by her?

It isn't a big leap, I don't think, to suggest that she will soon be pregnant, because of her being so immersed in a dramatic lifestyle already!

Goodness, some very zealous replies here

OP, as you say, it sounds like an emotional demanding relationship. My DS had this with a GF too and I learned not to criticise her behaviour to him but to empathise about how much he had to deal with in offering her support. He loved being needed and it too a great number of dramatic events with violence, hospital trips and intervention from many people trying to help before DS got fed up with it.
It might help you to restrict the girl coming round as well as continuing with the phone/laptop restrictions which sound very sensible. Is she getting any mental health help?

Can't believe no one has pointed out the obvious here. Sexual activity with an underage girl is illegal. He could get put on the sex offenders list if her parents report him to the police. Never mind that age 16 is just a line in the sand. It's the law, -and this law is there precisely to protect vulnerable young girls like her - and also to protect horny young men like your DS.

I think the bigger issue is not the sex, but that this girl is very emotionally demanding for your ds. Having sex will almost certainly make the relationship feel more "serious", in a way that can be hard to come back from.

Teenagers are often quick to mistakenly equate drama and strong emotions with things being serious and important. I think you, or someone he will listen to need to sit down and have a discussion with him, laying out that relationships (particularly at his young age) are meant make him happy, not that the weight of the world is on his shoulders. Likewise, he shouldn't be feeling responsible for his girlfriend's mental wellbeing, that's far too much of a burden for him at his age.

I do think it would be wise to speak to the girlfriend's parents, she is far too dependent on your ds and I think they need to be aware of this. I also think trying to get some space between them is a very good idea. 15 is far too young for relationship trauma and I'm sure there are lots of exciting things he could be doing instead. Also, he's coming up to his GCSE's and that's definitely not a good time for drama.

@longingforsomesleep

Sorry, I hadn't seen your second post. I just quickly looked over the reply's you got and then started to write my response.

"She is bullied and 'everyone at school hates me'; she feels poorly so 'maybe needs to go to hospital'; she cuts herself then sends ds photos of bloody tissues on his phone".

That's just terrible. Bulling really can really leave such a huge mental scar on a person that can cause all these problems.
School should step in and take action. I know in every school someone gets bullied. But if things get out of hand the school should step in.

If during my walk into town a group of people would start to swear at me. That alone would be reason enough for police to step in and take action against that group.
If it gets worse and they physical attack me. They can get arrested and being sent to prison for that. Totally if the reason for the attack was simply because they don't like me. Or I'm not like them. Or what other 'reason' someone can find to bully another person.

So why can't school be way more firmer with their pupils who bullies another pupil?

Are her parents aware of her problems? Her gp and the school?
Does she already receives any professional help for her mental problems?

This is really hard and it must also be difficult for your son. But try to keep in touch with her. Try to help her were you can. Call the school and tell them something needs to be done.
The school then can keep en eye on her and start the dialog with her parents and set up professional help for her.

@JessMcL
No I wasn't a teenage parent, but I looked much younger then I really was. So people that didn't know me often treated me like I was a teenage parent.

I'm sorry for what happened to you. That's exactly what I mean. What happened to you wasn't your fault and the difficulties you had to face had nothing to do with your age. Just with people judging you on your age and maybe that you weren't married?

Some religious family members and people we know. Did had a problem with us not being married for the church.

It has nothing to do with you, but with their ignorance and stupidity.

Very sad that happened to you. Although it was and maybe still is difficult for you to loose contact with your parents and partner. In the end it's their loss.
Or I hope that you can feel that way. That every tear you cried, that it's been all worth it for your child.

Soon to be fathers leaving the mother isn't something that I find typical with teenage dads. It's something that you see a lot of men who either had a one nigh stand or a none serious relationship with someone.

That you didn't went back to school was, as far as I can tell. Not because you had a baby. But due to lack of support. Again that had nothing to do with you, but bad choices people around you had made. Even worse those people were your parents.
You're their own flesh and blood and they just abandoned you when you needed their unconditional love and support.

It must have been so hard and terrible for you. But....
You deserve better then that, don't you?
You don't need that kind of parents and although hard, aren't you not a little bit happy that you lost them?
They might be your real parents, but you don't need that kind of people in your live that first 'love' you and when you sooo need them they drop you like a stone.

Answer to your question how someone can get a STI from a first time sex:

The chance on it is low. But it sure is possible. STI's can be passed on from mother to baby during the pregnancy, birth and breast milk. HIV can stay in the body for many years without any symptom. If you're a virgin you don't go to a clinic to get checked. So you don't know you got it and easily pass it on to someone else.

I think here in the UK every mum to be get checked. But what if the mother doesn't want to get that check done? Or if the person was born somewhere else where they don't have all the prenatal checks as they've over here?

Then there're STD's that are caused by normal bacteria living in your vagina, but the sex creates a disturbance in the bacteria in the vagina. That can cause Bacterial Vaginosis and PID.

If you read into these things sex will start to look like a really dangerous activity.
It's not that bad. But the more sexual partners you have the higher the change will be that you catch something.

Thanks to those who have posted helpful comments. Profile - I find your posts very unhelpful and am too tired to respond to the (often bizarre) points you make.

Her parents are aware of her problems and she is having counselling. IT seems that her mum has weight issues too so perhaps she has unintentionally contributed to her dd's attitude to food.

The reason I have allowed them in ds's bedroom is that we are a family of 5 and only have one living area. So, unless they are going to sit downstairs with me and dh or older siblings, I agreed they could go into ds's bedroom to watch tv/play computer games but leave the door open. The only time they can do this is if there are adults in the house. It never in a million years occurred to me that ds would engage in sex behind a partially open door in the full knowledge that one of his brothers was sitting in his room, with his door open only a couple of feet away, that DH and I were in the house and up and down stairs doing housework etc and in the knowledge that DH and I walk in without knocking.

But now I know.

DS is adamant that if I say anything to his gf's mum she will tell her gf's dad who apparently has a violent temper and will never let them see each other again. I have told ds I won't say anything on this occasion but now I wish I hadn't. I think I may say to him that, if they want to go to her house I am going to have to speak to her mum about not leaving them alone in her bedroom.

To be honest, the sex issue has taken a back seat and I am more concerned with the impact she is having on ds emotionally. DH has a background in child welfare and has spoken to him at length about the dangers of this situation. However we are treading a fine line between trying to get him to realise the negative aspects of the relationship but trying to keep him talking to us about what is going on. If we are to anti the relationship I fear he will not talk to me the way he has done.

@longingforsomesleep

Sorry you find my posts very unhelpful. But it's either my personal opinion or if it's a fact then have a look online and you'll see that what I say is true.

Shame some teenagers grow up in such a terrible situation. I'd call school and tell them all about it. They are partly responsible for her, not you.
So they should try to help her where they can.

If I'm too late I'm sorry

through getting pregnant at 15 myself I woul definatley sit him down, have a conversation with him about the dangers of sex, pregnancy, disease ect. Also I would advise him to encourage his gf to go and see a doctor about gettig on the pill. Explain to him to still use protection just because she is on the pill

Sorry if it's too late Xx