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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Grounding 17 year old DD

17 replies

mumski · 03/01/2014 21:45

She is with her father this week (we are divorced)Found out tonight she has lied to both her father and myself saying she was staying at friends. She was actually at her boyfriends for 2 days. She says his parents were there. BUT it doesn't change the fact we had no idea where she was and who she was with. She has only gone out with him 3 times. She is so grounded but what else do you think we should do. Take her phone off her? Or other things. She just doesn't get it and of course it's all our fault. HELP!!

OP posts:

chocoluvva · 03/01/2014 22:30

Why do you think she lied to you?

AllDirections · 03/01/2014 22:32

DD1 is 17 and if she'd done this I would be more concerned that she felt the need to lie to me.

Are you concerned that she stayed with her boyfriend for 2 nights or that you didn't know where she was?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 03/01/2014 22:33

I wouldn't ground a 17yo, I would talk to her and check she is ok with all sorts of things, not least a barrier method of contraception

Do you know the state of play with that ?

NoComet · 03/01/2014 22:41

I'm assuming she lied because you'd start asking awkward questions about her and her boyfriend.

Questions that, at 17, she thinks are none of your business.

DD1 is, almost 16, her DFs are 17 I'm certain all of us parents would go ballistic if any of our DDs went off for two nights and lied to us about where they'd been.

Our reaction would be major league grounding too (entirely possible due to rural houses and no buses).

However, going ballistic doesn't encourage three year olds not to lie, so it won't help her either.

You know you´re going to have to do that talking stuff, don't you.

Fairylea · 03/01/2014 22:44

What is the relevance of his parents being there when she is 17?

I think you need to find out why she lied to you. There's nothing wrong with her staying at her boyfriends. It's not like she's 14.

She should have told you where she was for safety reasons and so you could contact her in an emergency but it's not the end of the world.

Fairylea · 03/01/2014 22:46

(I say revelance because for all we know at 17 her boyfriend may be 18/19/20 or so and in a house share or living alone. She is above the age of consent and whilst not ideal if she's only been seeing him a short time there is not much you can do apart from speak to her about it).

ashtrayheart · 03/01/2014 22:47

I always lied and said I was staying with friends at 17! I moved out at 18.

ChanelTunel · 03/01/2014 22:56

17 is beyond the age to be grounded. It's more of an age to have adult conversations about the real concerns that you have about her behaviour.

AmberLeaf · 03/01/2014 23:09

I don't think grounding is the right response in this situation.

Id guess that from your reaction, she knew that you would be disapproving and that is why she lied.

She is 17. It is not abnormal or unusual to want to spend the night with a boyfriend at that age.

chocoluvva · 03/01/2014 23:22

How are you planning to enforce your DD's grounding?

WorrySighWorrySigh · 03/01/2014 23:58

At 17 why do you need to know exactly where she is or who she is with? She has a mobile phone. In an emergency you could phone her.

At 17 she is not a naughty girl she is very close to being an adult. Someone who is making lifestyle choices which it seems you dont like.

You really need to think about this. She isnt your little girl anymore. The actions you take now may well decide what the next few years of your relationship with your DD are like.

Did she really lie to you or did she let you believe something which stopped you prying into an area of her life which she wants to keep private from you.

Original poster

mumski · 04/01/2014 08:36

Thanks everyone for the replies. As she was with her Dad at the time it was his call but as long as he knew where she was and safe he would have let her go. It's the fact we had no idea where she was and her phone wasn't working.
We have all only just got over her last boyfriend who turned out to be a complete psycho - stalking her, stealing money from us etc. so we were involved with that whether we liked it or not because of the police. At 17 they cherry pick parental involvement. I suspect they want you when things go badly wrong but not when everything is fine.

OP posts:

DaveBussell · 04/01/2014 12:41

I think you're right mumski, 17 is quite a precarious age with a lot of adult freedoms but often also a lot of childlike immaturity.

I think if you had mentioned the previous boyfriend in your op posters would have understood your concern more. It's very worrying that she would still lie to you and be so unconcerned about your feelings after what you all went through.

As others have said grounding and confiscating items is only going to reinforce to her the idea that she is a child and doesn't have to take responsibility. The only option really is to talk to her on an adult level and try to get her to see it from your side.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 04/01/2014 14:03

The added detail about the psycho ex just reinforces how much you need to talk not ban

MrsBright · 04/01/2014 16:03

On the other hand she could be doing this as a simple protest aimed at separated parents. (See neither of them give a stuff about me, they hadn't even noticed I was missing etc). Teens can convince themselves that all sorts of complicated, difficult for anyone else to fathom, bits of flouncing 'will teach them', when actually we havn't got a clue what they are playing at.

Lay down one very simple rule. She doesn't just vanish. If she EVER does this again, big sanctions. Take the mobile phone away for a week, remove all internet access, no allowance for a month. Tell her you will do all this and more. And DO IT. Don't wimp out with 'but she'll hate us and just bugger off even more' excuses here. If she's looking for security, then this is the parental behaviour she actually wants/needs/is begging you for.

insancerre · 04/01/2014 16:17

Grounding at 17?
Really?
I have a 17 year old and would never consider grounding her. We did all that at 13 and 14.
Is she young for her age?
I would say that you need to talk and get the relationship to a point where you trust each other.
You need to let go and trust her to behave like a young adult.
She needs to respect your wishes and let you know what she is up to.
Have you talked about safe sex and relationships?
I think this is your issue, she doesn't trust you to treat her like a young adult, as indicated by her need to lie about her whereabouts.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 05/01/2014 19:08

Grounding at 17? Good luck with that.

It goes something like this: "Look darling, you can be out with the Brigade of Guards, goat included, but do us the favour of not insulting our intelligence. Because that would mean we'd raised a liar and a stupid liar at that. Next time, tell us first, take condoms and clean underwear, and make sure you uncap your own WKD bottle. And remember: the goat is most likely underage".

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