Dealing with my grief over my child leaving home

[saronell]

September is nearly 6 months away and my eyes are already starting to fill up when I think about the boy I have now lived with and loved for 18 years of his life departing for his adulthood at university, 4500 km away.

I know I need to work through my feelings so I can take care of him. I pray that this post is the start of that. Thank you very much for the safe place to express myself.

I am amazed by the many articles I have read about "celebrating" this time and that other parents are not so overwhelmed by grief that I am feeling. It makes me wonder if there is something wrong with me, or if some unresolved issue the underpins my sense of loss. I know from having lived with myself for over 50 years that I need to express and resolve my feelings so that they won't spill on others. After all these are my feelings and not my son's responsibility. I don't want to give him even the opportunity to feel responsible for them.

I think for me the bottom line is just that I love him so much and will miss him. We have had so many fine times together and really since he was born I have so enjoyed my time with him. We have skied, played tennis, gone horse back riding, traveled, watched movies, cooked, read together and had a lot of talks about many things. Having him live outside of my day-day life, (He will be going to a university on the other side of the country with few opportunities to come home) will leave a giant hole in my heart. He is funny, smart, fun and really a thoughtful person. Of course he has all the maddening teenage boy traits of messiness, self-centredness and spending all his time with his friends, being out late at night but in the cloud of his 18-year-old-boy-life he still makes an effort to show he still cares about the family and the work that needs to get done.

The grief is giant because my love for him is giant. I want to be able to be "there" for him and support his big transition. I want to be able to follow all the advice people give; to not prolong the goodbye, not to make it about me or my feelings, to let him lead the re-framing of the terms of our relationship. I want to be there for him and to be clear-headed enough to provide practical support when he needs it. But how can I when my heart is so broken? That is what I need to work through before this summer. People say, think about all the new things you can do. I know that I will get to that, but I can't get there until I thoroughly feel my sadness.

When I left home, I never really came back. I always lived far away from my parents. I wonder if I am sad about that? I wonder if I feel a sense of remorse for that. It is quite possible that my son will do the same. Not a certainty, but a possibility. People keep saying he will come back, but I can't see that. Summers and Christmases I suppose, but it will be on very different terms. Perhaps I have been neglecting myself in some way and this grief is in part about that.

I guess that is enough for now. Thank you again for providing the chance to share. I am firmly committed to being a good parent for my boy and putting his need to detach ahead of my emotions which seem to want to hold on for now. If you have any advice, I would sure appreciate it.

Many thanks

You have made me cry. I know you will miss him but please don't let on too much my mum is always telling me I ruined her life when I moved out and I still live in the same town!!

Oh god, I wouldn't be happy with that either. I was bad enough when my children moved 40 miles away!

Are you a single mum, OP? Could you move nearer to his university? 4,500 km is a huge distance.

Which country do you live in now?

Bless you OP. I can emphathise. You will be grieving in a way but it should become more of a background grief quite soon, once you're used to the routine without him in the house, and that is much easier to handle.

I dealt with it by getting as involved in preparations for Uni as much as I could, and though DS acted like I was interfering, he would have been screwed without his three doorstops and printed itinerary of Freshers' Week events

It's great you have such a close relationship with your son. Christ, I'm quite teary-eyed from this just remembering!

DS knows how much you will miss him, even if he doesn't acknowledge it, and doesn't always ring home as often as promised. Remember this and try not to be too upset when you miss him and miss the regular contact. Unfortunately one of the biggest challenges of successful parenting is letting them spread their wings and you'll realise eventually that not hearing from your DS becomes a sign that he's doing well and coping, rather than imagining all the worst scenarios.

It's a wrench after 18 years but it's not a complete goodbye. You'll be fascinated when he comes back to visit in the holidays - University is a time when they change so much and so quickly - it's almost like seeing the developmental stages of babyhood again.

I did a similar thing, went to University a long way from home, and never returned to stay at home longer than a few days at a time. But my relationship with my parents was not how yours is with DS. You'll find your own transition but please don't beat yourself up about wondering how you'll deal with it - just try and go with the flow.

There's nothing wrong with you..mothers have different feelings of their kids moving out. Me, I could have done a jig.. I'm so looking forward to having some sort of a life that I didn't have before kids.

Do you have your own interests or hobbies.. things that you like to do for yourself that you couldn't do before?

I feel just the same, could hardly bear to read all your post.
My DS was 18 this week and in my head there has been a very long count down to next September.
I could handle it better if I thought I had done a good job of teaching him to be self sufficient, or if he was excited about the prospect of leaving home but it doesn't help that he not well at the moment and I am frantic at the idea of him being all alone and unable to cope..

I have such a lump in my throat, you have had 18 years of sharing lovely times with your lovely boy. It will not end in September but will be different. I have 3 sons, the oldest is almost twenty and I know one day they will leave to live their lives and I'm so pleased that I have helped shape them into the people they are. As you should be. When the time comes I know a huge part of me will go with them, I will cope, I will have to. You will cope too. The distance between you will be huge but as my middle son says....it's just geography Mum.

I feel the same OP, my DD will be heading nearly 11,000km away. However it is the right thing for her and she will have an amazing time. She will fly home each holiday and will talk to us on Skype in between.

It is the start of independence, but only the start. For three or four years she will be back and forward and we will be needed to help and support her.

I will be heading over to the MN empty nest support thread to talk to others in the same position in a few months I know.

Thank you so very much everyone for your kindness and thoughtful responses. They remind me that everyone on the planet has their own road to walk in their own way and time. Your responses have shown me that and I am so grateful.

I remember just after my son was born, a very wise nurse who was there said to cherish this moment because it was a very happy and rare time. She said so much of love is about loss and letting go and come to terms with one's aloneness. I think those were very wise words. I suppose another way of looking at it is that I have been extremely fortunate to have had such a bounty of love. I need to remember life's big picture and the human voyage we are all on, me included, from start to finish.

So it makes sense that it hurts so much. This transition is happening on so many levels. In the mix of past, present and future losses and love of my son and others. I am also likely facing my own mortality at some level. It helps to see the context and you have all helped me see that.

I feel truly lucky to have my son in my life. Not everyone has had the same great fortune to have had a child. I have more life to live and want to do the best job I can at that. I will feel my grief as well as gratitude for my riches.

I remember a scene in a movie where an old fellow is talking to a little girl who is crying. He says, "Crying is good. It washes the eyes so you can see." I love that.

Thank you, everyone

Nothing is wrong with you and everyone goes threw this time in their own way.
And as you said you didn't really came back home anymore after you left. No wonder that you feel that the same thing might happen. Ask yourself the question: why didn't I went back home?

Try to keep a good relationship with your son.

And I'm wondering if your life is so focused on him and when he leaves not only will you miss him, because you love him so much. But as your life is so focused on him it'll leave a massive gap in your life.

Do you have work? Hobbies? Friends?
If not, try to build up your own life before he leaves. Then it might be easier for you and for him. You then say goodbye to your son who you love so dearly. But you don't say goodbye to your own life. As you already put other things in your life and build your life around that.

It'll always be difficult, but it might make it a bit easier for you.

When my son left last year for boarding school aged 14 (his choice, before anyone flames me) it was like being bereaved. The only saving grace was that I knew he was coming back every 3 weeks. It was the little things that would set me off. People would and still do say to me "oh, you've handled him going away so well!", well I haven't but I can't go around with my heart on my sleeve all the time. So I get on with it on a day to day basis but the little things catch you unawares. Things like being in the supermarket and not buying something that I only buy for him, or doing the ironing and realising none of the clothes are his. It is a physical ache.

The few days before he goes back after a break are always hard and I can feel myself going to pieces inside and dreading the trip to the airport but he loves it and is thriving and gets so much out of the experience so I tell myself constantly "THIS IS NOT ABOUT ME". I truly doubt he will ever come back home once school is done. He will want to do Uni away from home again and then will most likely have a career elsewhere and it is sad for us but for him the opportunities are endless and I wouldn't want anything less for him.

Anyway, I find it gets easier the longer he is away (bizarrely) but as soon as he is home for an extended period I find myself going back through the same emotions and having the same sense of loss all over again.

At the start he would phone every night but now he only phones if he needs something but does send a lot of texts. We know, though that he is really happy and busy and if he was on the phone all the time we would be worried.

So to sum up, op I don't think it is easy to let them go but they need to live their own lives and take what opportunities come their way, our job is to guide and support and always be there if needed. Nobody said it was an easy job though!

One useful thing you could do is simply to find yourself something very interesting and absorbing to do: a hobby, work for a charity, a change of career even.

The more comfortable he feels about moving away, the more comfortable he will feel about coming back and keeping in touch. If he sees that you are coping, he will quite simply feel better when he thinks about you.

And you are still his mother: you are still teaching him. Seeing how you handle bereavement will teach him how to handle bereavement in his own life.

It will be ok.
The funny thing is when my DD1 left for university (a long way away) I didn't actually realise how devastated I would feel.. I knew I'd miss her , we have a very close bond, but I felt in actual physical pain from the loss, like the umbilical cord was being torn between us.
BUT I coped.. we skyped a lot (she was very homesick too) and today she went back after the xmas hols with a big hug and a 'love you Mum' and it was ok.
To be fair she is now in her 4th year...

When DD2 went I knew it was going to be as bad..and it was. But I also knew it would pass, or rather that it would become the new normal. She is closer by several hours and I can pop there once every 6 weeks or so, or she comes home. DD1 only made it home once last term. But it;'s ok.. we have text, email, facebook..it's not like when I went to Uni and rang home maybe once a fortnight!

You DO need to find something to help focus on once he has gone.. new hobby , sport, volunteer. It takes the edge off.

I'm now 4 and 2 years into having my girls away (still have boys at home) and it's become the new normal.. I love to have them home but when they are not, it doesn't feel like they are far away, just at school or something :)

It will be ok...

Dear Saronell
I've just come across your message and it so resonates with me. It was posted in 2014 and as I am feeling a HUGE lose at the thought of my son leaving home in a few months and looking to go to Durham (didn't make Oxford, all gutted). I was just wondering if you had any feedback please. I am having cancer treatment and I think throughout his childhood we have allowed him to grow up as a typical gorgeous man and under the circumstances my bond with him is HUGE. He received the news from Oxford two days ago and it has now dawned on me that its looking that he will be hours away from home and may never come back. I do want him to have his independence and realise that having children (I was only able to have one because of the medical side, so him leaving home is breaking my heart and am sure not good for my health) is a privilege and that one day there time will come when they fly the nest. Not sure how to cope with the intense feeling of grief.
Any suggestions would be great. I'm throwing myself into OU studies which finish in May and have limited work hours because of health. The husband works away from home because of financial circumstances and he is just amazing and supportive.
Many thanks for reading this post.
I'm sure it will get better. It's just the initial realisation that he's so far away.

So how did it go?

This thread is nearly 7 years old.

Yes I know. I'd like to know how things went.