Gifted sporty teenager prefers to sit in his room all day...

[harrison1999purple]

I know it's not the worst vice of a teenager but I find it incredibly difficult to ignore and it winds me up good and proper!
DS used to swim/run/play tennis/football competitively; making county level in running. Over the past year decreased all activity except football but that was only because his team was short of players so he felt he should go ('but do I really have to go to training AS WELL?') Then broke his leg and although his leg is completely recovered, refuses to even entertain a mile run with me. Whilst his leg was broken he's really enjoyed sitting on his bed in front of a PC or reading his kindle when I took the PC away.
I guess I dont understand why he would throw away his talents particularly as his father and I are keen runners/cyclists..
so dont know whether to tell him he's got to do something or assume that it's just a phase and he's being a 'teenager'?

I have two dds now 18 and 16 they too spend a lot of time in there rooms ...it's there way of slowly detaching themselves from their parents. They are both working well in their A levels and both have part time jobs. They too both had lots of sporty activities that they've recently given up I guess because of other life commitments.
My dh and myself are adjusting to stepping back and letting them make their own lives, decisions and way in life, while still keeping a close eye on them. And being there for them when needed. ie (taxi service ) ??!!

I have the same with teens aged 15 and 16. They also tell me pretty much none of their friends do any sports with the exception of the odd one who is 'forced' to. I don't believe them.
DS used to run competitively and play sports but gave it all up at 13.

It also drives me and DH INSANE as we are very both active (but if I'm honest I didn't do much when I was a teen as I was more of a musical teen than sporty. )
But our lives were less sedentary than theirs as when I was a teen there was no internet etc.
When we try to talk to them about it they say all we do is nag and we all get angry/upset.
Even the suggestion of a family skiing trip was met with horror ...unbelievable.
To make it worse DS16 smokes and has a smokers cough. This is abhorrent to us!

Are his friends sporty / on teams?
Has his friendship group changed in the last year?
What sort of extra curricular activities do his friends do?

It is very, very common for teenagers to give up sport, particularly competitive sport, at this age. If you look at County level running for example, there are loads of great runners until about year 10, then they fall away and you end up with a few, usually excellent and committed, runners left.

I imagine his confidence is shot, particularly if he was naturally talented. Learning that you have to train to keep your level up is hard for teenagers.

I think branunion has hit on something important. Anyone who is gifted at anything - sports, music, academic schoolwork - is accustomed to being excellent without having to work all that hard. Their talent alone carries them to the top of the heap. Your ds is now probably reaching the age where those who work really hard are starting to pass those who rely solely on their natural god-given talents.

It is common to hear about gifted & talented students who would simply rather not try than risk trying and failing (or not doing well). If you don't try, you can't fail - right? If you are accustomed to being really good at something, it is scary to not be the best at it anymore. It is part of your identity, and some of your self esteem can be based on being 'the best'.

Seems to me this is real character-building / life lesson sort of stuff your ds is facing, atm. How can you help him? Just remember that he might truly want different things than what you want for him......

OP- unfortunately an injury like that is often what breaks the routine and I can understand why he hasn't gone back to running although it is a great shame. Any chance you can interest him in a new sport instead? And he will probably go back to running eventually, maybe as an adult.

You haven't said how old he is. My DS16 gave up sports around age 13 and I regret letting that happen as there is no way he will resume now. He thinks lifting a few weights in his room is sport and I don't think he realises how unfit he has become.

Sadly I have one similar (not as gifted as OP's DS, but talented in many ways & refusing to take advantage of it).

I just don't get it, either. :( When you're as naturally untalented as me, so I rate the smallest achievements as huge success because I've had to work so hard for them, it is completely maddening to behold thrown away talent.

Can't force them.. the more we push, the harder they resist and it just causes friction. They have to find something that floats their boat, probably when they're more mature. We bought my DS15 a squash racquet for Christmas.. here's hoping he might find something he likes.. has given up football as not picked for school team, doesn't like golf..only bloody Xbox.. driving me mad.

turn off the modem

You can't force them. I did the same. I was on the school teams until I was 14/15 and then I just wasn't interested anymore. I hated how much time sport took up - several evenings a week and most weekends were spent training for something and it just got too much.

I'm also not surprised he doesn't want to go for a run with you, what teenager would go for a run with his mum?

Is he old enough for a gym membership? Maybe something less competitive would be better for him, and you can get programmes tailored towards what you want to focus on, so maybe that might help him build up his confidence as well as keep his fitness levels going.

thanks for all the responses!
I'm actually very glad I did post this as you have all come up with some excellent points. He is 14 and Braunion and Earlybird have hit the nail on the head. He is a natural and therefore the shock of having to work hard for it has allowed him to convince himself he's no good. The irony of the whole situation is that his elder brother has never excelled at most sports but joined a swimming club aged 6, plodded in the no-hopers group for years but did it just to keep fit and not fat, and suddenly grew, hadnt given up and recently won his Clubs U16 Year Cup. DS2 just shrugged and said 'So??' (rolls eyes!)
and Earlybird you are also right that he probably wants different things but it doesn't stop me feeling cross! Kids!

We have the same. Younger sister was quite unsporty and not interested. Couple of years ago she started running and swimming for fun. Because she's now so dedicated she will soon outstrip talented older sister. She is totally not nervous either which seems to help more than anything.

Breaking a leg would be a knock to anyone's confidence. If you can afford it then 6 x sessions with a sports physio in a gym might really help.

Has your ds had a coach/mentor/older friend who he admires and respects? Someone who could talk him through this stuff and help him understand it? Without badgering him, of course........

I think you are also probably running up against a young man who simply doesn't know how to tackle the mental aspect of his current situation (a typical teenage - and especially male - thing.....magnified by the fact that he is used to expressing himself physically and now faces a challenge inside his head). Perhaps gaining insight to his situation (with the help of someone other than you) would be helpful. I'm willing to bet that many (most?) good athletes have been through what your ds is now experiencing. I imagine this is one of the things sports psychologists address.

One final thing: you might consider telling him that he needs to do something active for his health and well-being (physical and mental). Tell him you don't care what it is - he can choose - but if he isn't going to get back into competitive sport, he needs to find something else to do. Maybe he can rediscover his love of sport by simply doing it again - and not worrying about competing. Is there a leisure centre or health club in your area?

@Custardo, DS has downloaded many games that run locally. I would have to turn off the electricity instead!