Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Daughter taking drugs, smoking and drinking

10 replies

Stephanie1311 · 01/01/2014 15:50

We have discovered from social networking that our 17 yo dd has been doing all 3. The drugs are ketamine, ecstasy, weed and probably others. She and her friends also take nitrous oxide gas. She takes them at house parties and at under 18 club nights.

We only discovered this yesterday and so are still processing the shock. We are unsure of the best way to deal with this. Does anyone have any experience or advice to offer? Thank you and best wishes for 2014.

OP posts:
Helpyourself · 01/01/2014 16:06

Forget about the smoking and drinking. If only to show her that the drugs are really serious.
Have you spoken to her? I'd go in vv gently- are you sure it's true? What have you seen?

Claybury · 01/01/2014 16:09

So sorry for you Steph I have been through this. Have you talked to her?

I was hysterical when it happened to me (I think in some way I thought it would help if my son saw how upset I was- I was wrong, he had no empathy) but the advice is stay calm , get all your info ( I think the frank website is helpful, some people disagree) then talk to her. It would be good if she will open up to you- my DS does talk a bit to DH though he is also very comfortable lying to us.
You need to know about the different drugs if you don't already, so she will not blind you with knowledge.
I spoke to my DS's school - they didn't take it seriously until I said the word 'ketamine'....
Good luck - you are not alone.
(Dm message me if you want to know more )

Stephanie1311 · 01/01/2014 17:15

Thanks for your replies. No we have not talked to her yet but we are inclined to take a soft approach, at least initially.

We saw so much evidence of her drug taking on a social networking site. In addition her behaviour has changed and things like dilated pupils.

I will take a look at the Frank website

OP posts:
Claybury · 01/01/2014 17:31

I am staggered at the naivety of the open drug use on social networking. I have seen pictures too- not of my DS, he had the sense to block me ages ago- but of my DD's peer group ( age 14 snorting powders in their profile pictures !)
It's not a good idea if they ever want certain jobs- employers will be able to look back.
You must be very upset.
My DS has used all those drugs and more, at raves. He was 15- although the cannabis started younger. MDMA bombing is popular now - they wrap the (ecstasy) powder in paper and swallow it.

Your DD undoubtedly will say 'everyone does it' ( not true) or she may be angry you Facebook stalked her. If you saw this evidence you need to ask her who else did/can - granny ? Family friends? Etc?

Claybury · 02/01/2014 14:55

Bumping this - does anyone have advice about teens using these so called party drugs?

flow4 · 02/01/2014 18:58

Hi Steph, I'm sorry you're going through this. I found it very upsetting and worrying when my DS1 was taking 'club' drugs. He was a bit younger: 12 or 13 when he started smoking cannabis, 14 when he tried other stuff, and 16 at the 'peak' of his drug-taking.

Like Clay, I used Frank to get information. The newer chemical drugs like ketamine and m-cat etc. are the most dangerous, because they have no real idea what's in them, and no-one knows the long-term effects. The risks of mdma, speed and cocaine depend on quality and contamination. Cannabis is least dangerous, but skunk is nasty stuff. Frank will give you better details.

You will almost certainly have a young person's drug service in your nearest town, and they will talk to concerned parents and give info without asking for names/personal details. I found it very useful to get calm, neutral advice, and it helped me to gain perspective and to 'balance' the disapproval and panic I heard from other people.

Also, more controversially, I made a point of talking to a couple of adults whom I knew had taken similar drugs. I found it hugely reassuring to see for myself that they were living perfectly respectable 'grown-up' lives, because my emotions were screaming "DS's life is totally ruined! He's going to end up in the gutter, or die"... but talking to these people let me get my fears under control a bit.

Also, one of these people offered to talk to my son, which meant that he had a well-informed adult with more 'street cred' than me if he wanted/needed one. When she told him he was doing something dangerous or being a dick, her words seemed to carry more weight than mine.

Of course, not everyone has acquaintances who can do this, but if you do, I'd definitely say it's worth talking to him/her/them.

Personally, I felt pretty powerless, but I do think it was useful to be able to direct my DS towards accurate info, and also to stay calm (enough) and keep communication open. I feel open, honest communication is really valuable - potentially life-saving. We had a couple of incidents (two drug-related, two alcohol) where, because he felt able to be honest with me, he told me details about what he'd taken and how much, which enabled me to assess risk and, once, get medical help.

Just to offer some hope: my DS has now stopped taking 'club' drugs, I believe. For a while, he was messing up his life pretty badly (not going to school/college; failing exams; getting arrested; getting involved in minor crime - all drug-related IMO) but now he is back on track, doing well at college, applying to uni and working in a p/t job. Thank goodness. He seems to have grown out of his risky (or riskiest) behaviour. I hope your DD does too.

Stephanie1311 · 03/01/2014 18:33

Thank you Claybury and flow4 for your extra comments. We will be seeking professional advice as you suggested. The Frank site also looks credible.

All the best for 2014
Steph

OP posts:
profilewithoutaname · 03/01/2014 18:58

I see you wrote she had dilated pupils, that might come from taking drugs. Don't believe everything that you read from social websites.

I'd advice not to tell her not to do it. That usually works the other way around. If she's addicted then she might not listen anymore to reasoning. But she might do it for kicks or to belong to the group...

If it's for kicks try to show her other ways to get her kicks. Go on some crazy holiday. Theme parks with crazy rides etc.
Gamble with money, stock markets etc.
There're people who just need extra kicks in their lives. Your daughter might be one of them. Or maybe she does it to belong to the group. Then show her different groups of friends.
Drive around a neighborhood with lot's of fancy houses and one that looks really poorly. Ask her what she wants to do with her life. And then in a positive way try to get her to do what she wants to do in life.

Try to stay her friend. Otherwise you loose contact with her. In the worst case let her even use drugs at home or do some soft drugs together. Because if your bond get's broken it's almost impossible to positively influence her.

So keep your bond with her strong and find out why she does it. Tell her you're curious and asks what's so fun about it. How do you get that stuff, how expensive is it? Just show interest in it.
Keep on chatting and find out what her reason is for doing it.

If you know what her reason, her motives are... Just come up with an ever better solution to her problem or reason why she takes drugs.

If we could do something right now. What will it be.....
(I don't know what's possible to do in your situation)
I hate this and I hate that. I wish I could go to the airport right now and just fly away...

Then do that! Tell her, ok jump in the car and we're leaving right now!

It's difficult, but not impossible to get her back on track.

Eviejaes85 · 28/01/2014 22:01

My DD1(13) is in too drinking & smoking weed, she also smokes cigarettes. I researched it first& then found out little pieces of information from her+ friends. I did openly ask her but she lost it with me so then I researched and stuff. Then one day when she came home from school I sat her down asked her about. What's 'the buzz', who else does it, where & when, ect. Then she said that she would try to stop smoking weed however smoking cigarettes was a different story. So now I let her smoke in the house, but no weed+ she sometimes admits she gets drunk, she did try to stop for about a month however failed, I tried to get her away from the friends she had, however I am just pleased she tells me things+she doesn't hide them like her friends, but I would like her to stop, but through personal experience it is very hard and you have to ease your way out of it, so bear that in mind if he doesn't quit straight away.

Eviejaes85 · 28/01/2014 22:04

Sorry it posted before I had finished. So ultimatley I would confront them first, see how that does down && then research, find evidence then sit down & have an adult conversation. Also If that doesn't work I would take him to a gp or something.
Sorry for you&your situation hope it all goes well, goodluck+staystrong.x

New posts on this thread. Refresh page