Influence

[Helpyourself]

I posted the following on a thread about piercings; this isn't a thread about a thread, just a pondering about why I tell mine what I do:

I had a lightbulb moment the other day. Mine are mid to late teens and I feel I've got a rapidly diminishing time in which to influence/ mold/ 'whatever non Machiavellian verb I'm looking for' them. I can't say 'I hate your fiancée' in 5 years time, but I can guide them towards making good choices now.)

While they're teenagers we can influence them I a way we won't be able to in a few years time.

God I hope so.

My big bugbear is young girl teens who dress like prostitutes - because apparently they see their only value as sexual objects. My DD has had it wall-to-wall from me about not shoving your cleavage in boys faces if you want them to take what is between your ears seriously. I recently heard her repeating this to a friend the other day, word for word - 'If you don't give a boy anything other than your tits to look at, that's all you will ever be to him - a pair of tits.'

[Yes! This is one teen who might grow up with a sense of value about her own body and some reservations about who gets to see it. Please, please let this still be her mantra when she goes to Uni.]

Ha ha, Mrs Bright, you are funny! I always like your posts!

The influencing: yes, that is an interesting topic.

Before I came on mumsnet (half a year ago) I had it in my head that I should have somehow have finished to parent and control my DS14 so much. I thought the fact that he still needed so much guidance/parenting/discipline was a sign that there was something wrong with him.

That is a worry that mumsnet has cured! I do now see that all teens need guidance and (mutually negotiated) discipline. There is nothing wrong with it and everything right with it. Probably until the day they leave home and if they are willing beyond, as well.

The trick is to talk to your teens so that they will trust your guidance. When DS is defiant I always play the 'I-never-gave-you-a-piece-of-bad-advice' card. That usually works.

Thank you both!
My lightbulb moment cam rafter a conversation with an elderly relative. Their child, now 50 is in an emotionally abusive relationship; to give his partner her due, she's always been shockingly volatile, so much so that elderly relative told the son not to marry her 20 years ago. I guess the only way you can avoid a situation like that is by prepping them in the teenage years.
I'm constantly telling my dcs 'good relationships don't hurt', 'there's no such thing as a failed relationship' as well as 'don't get pregnant' even though they're none of them in relationships yet.

I just do lots of talking, some of it very fourth right.

I hold no punches on the fact that I don't do small DCs and I'm not babysitting the results of any teen PGs and I firmly believe in abortion. DCs deserve parents who aren't still children themselves.

I'm totally happy to talk about sex contraception and have no hang ups about sex under my roof when DDs are older.

Likewise my patience with smoking, drugs and serious drunkenness is minimal.

My lightbulb moment came when I realised that there is a balance in influence, that not all influence, even the most well intentioned, is actually for the good.

Having moved into middle age, I am finally beginning to realise that obeying the advice and influence of my own loving and well intentioned parents was not the sum total of what I needed and what was required of me in life.

Often it was the right thing, sometimes it was quite clearly wrong, occasionally it could have been disastrous. As an adult, the responsibility for my choices rests with me, not with the influence of my parents.

If that has happened in my life, with the very good parents I have had, then it is very likely that my own children will find the same.

If I had never listened it would have been disastrous. Always listening has occasionally been wrong too. No excuse for not exercising your own brain the more the older you get.