Can I force her to go for counselling?

[beelights]

My DD (14, nearly 16) has been anxious and now I think, depressed. She and I also think she might have ADD and her anxiety has led to a nervous tic. She is experiencing big mood swings and is both foul and sometimes lovely to me (single parent of her and her twin brother). She says I "control her whole life", but the emotional temperature in this house is rising and she is spending more time in bed, tearful and isolating. Her sleep patterns have gone out the window too. She experienced a very emotional and quite traumatic event with a friend recently. I do also know that I can be controlling and naggy, but I think I am doing OK sometimes too...

I have told her that it has got to the point where I insist she sees a counsellor as I am worried for her trying to manage her worries on her own (she has also cut off from all her friends). She refuses to see the school counsellor and any other kind of counsellor. I said I thought she needed a 'kind friend' to listen to her as she didn't have other friends to talk to right now. She did agree that was true but still said she didn't want to see a counsellor. I have held my ground though and insisted, even if only for 4 sessions. Am I being unfair and controlling..?

No, I think you are seeing a real problem with your daughter and want to address it. Would she go to the doc for a physical checkup? You can prime doc beforehand, maybe she will see a counsellor if he/she suggests it?

IMHO yes you are being controlling! but as a mother of self harmer it is hard not to be I know, but please be cautious, their depression is all they feel they can control! and if your deemed to be trying to control that too she may sink further down, as my son did, he then began self harming. I don't want to scare you but I would just let her know that you love her unconditionally and when she is ready you will help her in any way you can. She is nearly 16 and must be allowed to have some control over her life. Just never let her think you don't love her and even though it is hard to understand just what her "problem" is sometimes, it is her depression and she needs to take the lead in getting it sorted. I hope that all makes sense.x

Hi Lasting,

We went to see the doc about the ADD/tic and pretty much got a brush-off and he bounced us back to school for the school counsellor in relation to the anxiety. He seemed to think it was all related to that. I think she has heard from a few people that counselling might help but she is very strong-minded and thinks that counsellors mess with your head! But I might suggest we go to the doc again for a physical - that's a good idea. Thank you. Feeling emotionally exhausted by her foulness and her pain too.

Hi Crimble,

Thanks for your experience. It is hard to know what to do. She seems to be in emotional pain (as well as usual teen stuff) and I have experienced depression too and I know how hard it can be to help yourself when you are low. I am going to talk to her again, talk about how I can best help her. I appreciate your viewpoint. I hadn't seen it like that.

I wish my depression was diagnosed and treated while I was in my teens, and not only once I was 30. It must be very hard and scary for both of you. Maybe see if you can get a book with information about depression and anxiety that she can read? Emphasise that it is an illness and nothing to be ashamed of. Unless she is willing to be helped, forcing her to see a counsellor will be useless.

I don't think control is the problem - lack of control and over-controlling is. I think you are right at pecking away at that problem and trying to convince her that she needs help. I bet, deep down, she appreciates that. Just fall short of absolutely FORCING her - that would be counter-productive.

Thanks Palika and Lasting. She seems to be more light-hearted and relieved since we talked a bit about seeing a counsellor today. Although she was resistant I think it somehow helps to acknowledge that she is actually having a tough time.

I can understand your distress OP, what a difficult time for you all You can't force someone to participate in counselling though - the process just won't work.

I know at that age I thought my parents knew nothing, just wondering if there is a third party (grandparent or trusted aunt maybe?) who she might listen to?

I've started training to be a counsellor - it's really just a safe place to explore your feelings with someone neutral who will keep things confidential (unless you or someone else is at risk of harm) and never judge you. Happy to chat more to explain it if it would help?

She says I "control her whole life"

That might just be the problem. What if someone would try to control you the way you control her?
She is a teenager, a young adult. Not a child anymore. Not to long ago someone would be considered a young adult at the age of 12-15 and look at us now. Thinking they are kids and we need to tell them what to do.
No wonder there are so many problems with teenagers now a days.

You can try to insist she goes, but it may not work out the way you expect. Your DD may refuse to attend, or if she goes, she may refuse to talk. The counsellor may decline to see her if s/he thinks your DD is unwilling. And an important part if counseling is validating the person's feelings - helping them believe that their feelings are legitimate and 'real' - so the counsellor may effectively agree with your DD that you are too controlling.

I pushed and pushed to get counseling for my DS1 at 13/14, and finally succeeded. After 3 sessions, the counsellor told me that she and my son had 'decided' he didn't 'need' counseling... For the next few years, through drug use and various other signs of distress, my son was then able to tell me he knew he didn't need counseling or any other help because the counselor had said so.

You really are better waiting until your DD chooses counseling, rather than pushing her when she's not ready.

Good luck. :)

My dd also has a history of anxiety, tics, self-harm, panic attacks and mood swings. We tried CAHMs and school counsellor which she disliked and said were 'rubbish'! At the end of my tether I told my dd that I couldn't cope with her issues alone and needed support or else I would end up having a breakdown, I found a local private therapist who employs a range of methods to suit each person e.g. talking, CBT, mindfulness etc. She is also able to send her therapist e-mails, texts etc at times of extreme anxiety. My daughter has found her very helpful and I have noticed a huge difference in her attitudes to stress, life, friendships etc.
An auntie also sent my daughter a book called The Secret - To Teen Power by Paul Harrington which at first she poo-pooed but now says it has saved her life!!! I haven't read it fully but it has given her a whole different outlook at way of dealing with things.
Maybe this book could be a start?

Coming late to this, but I think it might be worth pointing out to your dd that the whole point of counselling will be to give her the tools to manage her own feelings. A good counsellor will do this. (of course you can always be unlucky and hit on a bad one, but that's the same with everything).

If she gets CBT-related counselling it will be about showing her techniques rather than trying to get inside her head: the counsellor will need to ask her a few initial questions to establish what kind of techniques she needs, but that will be on a fairly basic level. The main aim is to give her back the control that her anxiety is taking away from her.

Thanks for all the feedback. I pulled back on forcing the counselling. I felt in the end it was unproductive. However, I am going to keep an eye on her anxiety levels and how she is coping and maybe keep the suggestion available on the back-burner. I have told her it is there if she needs it (though bloomin expensive - I had no idea). She is generally kind of resistant to anything that isn't her idea and she is very strong-minded too. At the moment she insists on being left to do it all her way. In reply to the reply about me being over-controlling - yes, I am open to finding out if that is the case and if so, changing what I can. It is hard to know with teens how much is too much and where the line is between strict supervision/support. With her twin brother there is little needed, he is self-motivating and has firm plans for his future. DD is much more distractible and her grades are plummeting too.