teenager making family life hell

[mrsvon]

My daughter is 18 and is home for christmas from university. She refuses to engage in conversation with me most of the time and flies off the handle if I try to talk to her. She says that she hates me, does not like or love me, doesn't respect me and today said " you are not my mum". This is breaking my heart. She is sweetness and light with her father ( who is the good cop element of our parenting partnership- he doesn't do confrontation, discipline or boundary setting). My daughter has behaved like this for a very long time. During a very heated discussion she told me that she hates me because i discouraged a gap year and then went on a short holiday with my husband and youngest daughter when she had gone off to university ( this was not our main family holiday...she came on this).
She is incessantly jealous of her younger sister(15) who is very easy going and well behaved.
I have read so much about teenagers who exhibit this kind of behaviour and the message is that it is a phase. She has been like this now for approx 10 years, only ever picking out the things that she feels i have got wrong and not appreciating the other stuff. I am trying really hard to be compassionate towards her but she pushes me away and uses abusive language. I just feel that whatever i do, it is wrong. My husband and friends assure me that i am a good mum but i am starting to question my own parenting.
I sometimes wonder if she might be suffering from depression ( there is a family history) but she seems to have lots of fun with her friends, an active social life and is absolutely delightful to people that she meets. I am often told what a charming, intelligent and mature young lady she is.
I just feel like she is trying to punish me all the time.
I would REALLY welcome any ideas or insight that you might be able to offer.

How horrible for you, that must have been devastating to hear from your own dd

As she is 18 now and living away from home at least for the next couple of years then I think you could try a new tack with her and try to avoid confrontation at all costs.

I wouldn't bother to get involved in discussions about her excuses for treating you so badly - the thing about the gap year sounds really lame.

You could be right that her attitude is borne out of jealousy of your other dd, perhaps because she was a more easy-going child she believed that you loved her more.

You might also be right that some form of depression or personality disorder is involved. Even the most sociable seeming people can be deeply unhappy and messed up. Perhaps it would help you to do some reading on these kinds of problems and relationships. Even if it doesn't stop her hurting you it will at least give you some insight and perhaps coping mechanisms.

Thank you Dave for taking the trouble to respond...all very helpful.

Your DH needs to step up to the plate here. It's alright for him, isn't it? He gets on with her and she's nice to him. He got to go on the holiday, too, didn't he?

I don't know why your daughter is like that with you and not with anyone else and it must hurt like hell to have her talk to you like that.

Do you think she would respect you more if you went absolutely mad with her when she talked to you in that way? Do you give her lifts and show thoughtfulness in other ways? If you do, what would happen if you refused to?

Who does she rely on for money? Does she ever call you from university? If she needed something (eg a new coat or some other larger purchase) who would she call?

I think if you feel like you are being punished, then you are being punished. I think this is her intention.

Your DH really needs to act, though. It's very disrespectful to you that he will allow her to talk to him when she won't talk to you.

I agree that your husband is the one who needs to talk to your daughter. By staying silent he is condoning her bad behaviour. She feels badly done to for some reason (don't all teenagers!) But you and he need to be supportive of each other so she is made aware her behaviour is unreasonable and unacceptable. She has said some hurtful things, but kids do because they know our love is unconditional, in a way this is a compliment to you. Despite what she says, she knows she can say it, because she knows how much you love her. Your husband probably thinks by staying quiet he is helping but his silence has the opposite effect, it gives your daughter free rein to be obnoxious. Ask for Hubby's help. I have a feeling one word from him might be worth one hundred of yours! Good luck x

Thank you folks for your wise words. My husband is a very kind man and a very good father in so many ways. One aspect of his character however is that he NEVER gets angry and struggles with discipline. Your posts Imperialblether and Veronica60 are invaluable as they reinforce the message that I have been trying to communicate for so long. We need to pull together and with your help ( we have read the messages together)I think he finally realizes that he needs to be more assertive. Thank you both again x

And you can tell her from me, a fairly seasoned bacpacker, gap years are infinitely better when you are a bit older.

I did a 3 yr gap 'year' when I was in my late twenties. I watched so many pre university travellers of all nafail and go back home early. In my experience more of the 18- 19 yr olds failed than stuck at it. Lack of work experience, emotional immaturity, no learned resilience all seemed to play a part.

She will get so, so much more out of a gap year post university. She will have the contacts, experience and maturity to make it work.

I have less experience to discuss her behaviour. But you definitely made the right call about gap years.

Much sympathy, mrsvon. Have had some related experience of this kind of thing - one DC being particularly critical and unpleasant and DH getting off lightly.

Absolutely - your DH must talk to your DD. You could tell him that if the positions were reversed, you wouldn't let your DD get away with hurting him so much, especially over such a prolonged period. It's great that he's such a kind man. I'm sure that he'll understand.

Often the advice on this thread is to detach - and of course there are a myriad ways of doing that. Can you make it clear to your DD that you love her completely but that her behavior is making you very unhappy and is quite wrong, that it doesn't belong in a family. (And I agree that the gap year thing is really lame - forget it if you can.)

And, at the same time, make a determined effort not to identify with her personal comments and to take yourself off - treat yourself - do whatever it takes to help you - and her - retain (or regain) your sense of your own worth.

"i discouraged a gap year and then went on a short holiday with my husband and youngest daughter when she had gone off to university".

I don't know what else has happened between you. But this I can totally understand!
You made her do something against her will. She wanted a gap year and she didn't do that because of you.
She's an adult and before that a teenager. In my eyes a young adult. This is her life you can't live it for her or make her decisions.

While she is in uni, where she doesn't want to be at that time. You go with her sister on holiday..... I'd be pretty pissed off myself. I'm doing something I don't like because it's your choice that I'm here at uni. Now you guys go away and have some fun.

And another point. Someone is only young once! Maybe she won't get the change anymore to have a nice relaxed year. What did she wanted to do? Holiday, backpacking? She might not get the chance to do that anymore because you forced her not to have a gap year.

Anyone at any age can always go back to school. It might not always be as easy, but it's possible. Just doing what you want for a year isn't always possible. Maybe she meets someone and starts a family, work other things in her life that will stop her from doing it.
She'll then always think back: I wished I had done that. And blame you for it and that will always leave a massive gap in your relationship with her.

Try to understand her and have respect for her. This is her life. You gave it to her. You gave it so she can have a life.
Don't try to live it for her.
Have respect for her wishes and for what she wants to do with her life. If you feel sorry for it, say it to her. Show her that you mean it. And if she doesn't want any contact with you, just respect it. How hard it'll be. You can try to be there for her when she needs you or help. But don't force yourself on her. That will only create more problems between you two. Maybe try to make up for that gap year. Safe enough money so she can have a year in which she can do what she wanted to do.
Before it's to late.

OP, you say your DH is a very kind man - and I say: probably also a very passive aggressive man. After all, he has allowed that you are the punchbag of your DD while he harvests all the benefits of your (strict) parenting.

So, what I am saying is that the real problem is the passive aggressiveness of your DH and you not noticing this and even mistaking this as kindness. Not getting angry is not kind - it's passive aggressive.

My DH has similar tendencies and that is why I often get an argument with him when I have an argument with my DS. Nice (Not!)

He does step up to the plate however, once I have it out with him - otherwise I would live in the same kind of hell that you live in.

When a teen hates one parent and not another it is always a marriage problem. Unfortunately, many women do not see this and only blame themselves, which is sad.

mrsvon It's very hard to have a lovely, gentle DH who leaves you to be the big bad, boundary-setting witch. If your daughter had really wanted a gap year it was within her control - she could have deferred uni and done a working holiday/ By 'discouraging' do you mean 'refusing to fund'?

Develop a stock response to rudeness. I usually say, 'how rude' and then stalk off or talk to someone else, showing no emotion. Then I wipe the slate immediately and am nice. Over and over again. I have been through this - my DH prefers to remove himself and not back me up unless there's a major kick-off.

Is money an issue? I would ask your DH to make his one contribution to the situation to be an iron-clad agreement that all money to her be directed through you. Then when she asks for it look her in the eye and say, I don't really feel like rewarding your recent behaviour I'm afraid.

Be kind to yourself and try not to take it personally. It's the dynamics, not you.

I am assuming this about the funding of the gap year.

I guess that as the older DD is indeed an adult, then it can't be soley the OP's function in life to supply her with money and the desired lifestyle.

My own view is that the whole family has to protect as well as benefit from family money, and adult children at university need to understand their own responsibilities to create not just consume financial resources.

Some 18 year olds find this hard to comprehend, usually because one parent lets them be like this.

When you say you discouraged the gap year, what exactly was involved? Not providing the money on a plate? Or making her feel that you would make her life emotional misery if she went against your advice? Or something between these extremes?

as an aside, if she gets off her arse and gets a job, she will have PLENTY Of chances for long holidays. The idea that 'gap years' (which are just the same as long holidays) can only be taken before uni is nonsense.

I've seen so many waste their time abroad because they didn't pay for it.

the only time limit is that on working holiday visas. The age limit is 31, there's no panic.