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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Holidays and older teens

13 replies

NearTheWindmill · 28/12/2013 13:04

DS is on a gap year. He has a steady girl friend who is in the upper sixth at her school. He flys to NZ on Friday for five months and is then meeting his father in South America during the summer.

Girlfriend lives in the UK with her parents but they are from another country. Girlfriend wants him to visit her home country with her late summer and DS has asked for money for the flights in advance to be paid back later.

I am extremely reluctant and have said so, hence a massive row last night. Am I wrong to say that I'm not prepared to fund/sub boyfriend/girlfriend holidays at this young age. I think if they want a holiday together then they have to be mature enough/have their own means to pay for it.

Feeling very confused about this and have been told am utterly unreasonable because it means so much to the girl. Who is nice enough but who knows whether they will be together late August/September - have been together since about Feb/March of this year.

For me this is a matter of principle and I am concerned about him feeling beholden to her whilst he's away if I'm honest and I don't think that's right. Have a feeling there may have been a bit of "I won't be able to focus on my A'Levels if I don't know you intend to be with still onceyou have been away", etc.

I know it's not a biggy when compared to some stuff on here but would welcome some advice on this one.

Money not an issue - it's the principle.

OP posts:
Slipshodsibyl · 28/12/2013 14:05

I am not sure how far you are funding the gap year. Is it partly that you feel there is a fine line between giving your son a great experience and spoiling him and this last request feels as if you are getting close to that?

I have had a DC on a gap year funded largely by us and I found I had my own issues which sound a little similar. In our case a wonderful extra opportunity for a couple of months was turned down to be near a partner who wasn't ever going to last and I was disappointed. I think a lot of parents who can afford it do fund trips like the one your son wants but my instinct is the same as yours.

With hindsight, the only advice I would have given myself is not to overthink it! It won't matter next year. A lot depends on the context too - if you have quarrelled about this you won't be thinking quite straight. In the end, if he is generally doing well, you might wish you had lent the money so I would sleep on it and perhaps say you will do it if he still want s to go nearer the time.

Original poster
NearTheWindmill · 28/12/2013 15:10

gap year fully funded; South America next summer is totally hedonistic experience for him and his dad. My issue is the behaviour when he was asked to justify this holiday and why and the fact that I don't really feel that we should fund boyfriend/girlfriend holidays. I just think that's something they should fund themselves if they are serious enough to plan 8/9 months in advance. I also feel he's being manipulated and I don't want to be a part of that.

Just so very upset by the attitude and I don't think the attitude is entirely his and without wind up. Anyway, perhaps it's a good thing he's only around for another week.

OP posts:
purpleroses · 28/12/2013 15:29

Why would he need to pay now for a holiday in 8/9 months time? Couldn't they just make plans and pay once they've saved the money? I would share your worries about the relationship not lasting til then. My DSD has started wanting to holiday with friends rather than family. She is paying her own way for those trips.

Original poster
NearTheWindmill · 28/12/2013 15:39

I think the booking of tickets now, etc, is the girlfriend's idea - also arguments about booking early because they get more expensive later in the season.

OP posts:
LifeTooShort · 28/12/2013 16:17

I paid out £900 on a plane ticket about 8 months in advance so 19 yo DSD's boyfriend could join us in Cape Town for Xmas a couple of years ago. He was supposed to work in his holidays and pay it back. They split up before the trip and I never received a penny.

This year we paid for 2 x DSDs' boyfriends to join us in Italy but they were cheapish Easyjet flights booked relatively last minute so I was more relaxed about that (and she split up with that one soon after we got back!).

flow4 · 28/12/2013 17:53

I think relationships at this age can be genuinely 'serious' and important: the relationship I had when I was 17 (30+ years ago now!) remains one of the most significant ones of my life... On the other hand, they aren't always, and the trouble is, you can't tell. I think I'd also be reluctant to pay for air fares so far in advance, especially since gap years and travelling can be life-changing...

Since money is not the issue, I think in your situation I would be quite straight with DS, and say something like "I don't want to fork out for a ticket now. Travel can be life-changing, and who knows what you or GF will want in 9 months. If you're still together in June (or whenever), I'll buy your ticket, and if it costs more than it would cost now, I'll pay for the difference".

MrsBright · 28/12/2013 18:02

He wont appreciate the value of any of this unless he has contributed substantial ££ himself. Of course he tells you that your reaction is 'unreasonable' - it isnt his money is it?

We can't have everything we want just because we want it. Understanding and accepting this is part of life. If you just hand everything to him on a plate he will not appreciate any of it - and just stick his mercenary little hand out the next time he fancies doing something 'nice'.

Leeds2 · 28/12/2013 18:06

I think I would suggest that GF paid for her own ticket. Even doing A Levels, she could get a weekend job, or something after A Levels have finished but before she wanted to travel. Your DS could also possibly get a job on his travels.

I would also be cross that DS expected me to pay even more, when I had already funded a gap year's worth of travel.

Original poster
NearTheWindmill · 28/12/2013 18:06

Thank you flow4 - a very helpful comment.

OP posts:
flow4 · 28/12/2013 20:03

You're welcome, glad you found it helpful. :)

Travelledtheworld · 29/12/2013 07:47

Sounds like he is having a fun year and I see where he is coming from. It will seem a long time without his current GF.

If he is on a gap year can't he do some work in NZ and contribute to at least some of the cost himself ? Then you can offer to match this.
And what about his Dad, will he chip in ?

Chances are he will meet someone else during his gap year.........

Original poster
NearTheWindmill · 29/12/2013 08:31

He'll be working for family in NZ so will be getting free accommodation and board and a just a bit of pocket money. I was going to go with Flow4's suggestion but they have worked out themselves that they are going to get to her home country via Interail now for budgetary reasons. I think that's a good idea.

OP posts:
chocoluvva · 29/12/2013 20:26

Interrail sounds more fun too.

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