18 year old taking things -i feel its disrespectful

[tapemeasure]

My DS has been taking small things - eg chocs and sometimes money tho I have had recent conversation about respect and agreeing things (me to changing behaviour). we both agreed as I did shout when he lays in bed all day.
I have been giving him £30ish for college -per week since sept I want to reduce this to £60 per month.
Now he has a one day job and gets money from his dad, - (i don't anymore) . £100ish per month .
I buy all food etc and have done clothes -not phone or other.

I never had an allowance -worked so confused - Its the trust thing I mind - tho as I cant leave out stuff and have talked about locking things away - but is this really an awnser?!

is 18 old enough to respect each other as adults ? am I living in cloud cuckoo land here. I don't really know the best way forward...

I meant that we both agreed to change some things -him not taking stuff and me not shouting- he has recently fallen out with his dad to- I ma not involved in this tho.

Stop making excuses for him. He's 18, not 3.

What on earth is he spending all this money on? £220 a month? And he needs to steal more?

Find out.

In the meantime, make it clear that this is STEALING, and if he does it one more time there will be sanctions. Hit him where it hurts - take away his phone or MP3 or forbid an activity he enjoys.

And demand he pays back the money he stole immediately.

Yep, he's stealing from you. He's DEFINITELY old enough to know that if something is lying around it's not public property. It's pretty unlikely that he's doing it just thinking it's fine. Of course you shouldn't have to lock stuff up in your own home. Is he taking money out of your purse or just if it's on the side etc? (Not that it makes a lot of difference, but for example if I see coins around the house I tend to pick them up but I wouldn't go rooting in DP's wallet without asking him.)

Bright he's probably just spending it on nights out and clothes - easy to spend that much when you've got it and no bills, responsibilities etc to worry about.

It's tricky as he's still in college - not sure I would be giving him an allowance though if he gets money from his dad and also has a part time job. I'd maybe expect you to pay for his bus pass or something but he should be able to manage his course related expenses out of his own money.

Hi tape, I had big problems with my DS stealing when he was 14-16/17ish. It's very distressing, and yes, the breach of trust is awful. It's totally unacceptable, and you are right to want it to stop.

I think you may be over-optimistic to respect each other as adults. That would be lovely, but he clearly isn't mature enough. Kids need to learn to control themselves, and it can be a real problem when you find they can't, especially if you have started to 'let go'. Someone needs to stop unacceptable behaviour... I suggest that you tell him that he needs to stop taking things/money from you now, and that if he can't stop himself, you will no longer be prepared to support him and he will have to live elsewhere. But you have to mean that. Meanwhile, sad as it is, I suggest locking things away.

The allowance is tricky. I would not be giving him an allowance at all - and don't with my own 18yo, who is also in college f/t with a p/t job. But if you stop it now, at the same time as you are telling him he must stop taking money from you, it may feel to him like he is being punished for controlling himself and not taking. I think I would set a deadline and say that you will no longer give him an allowance after X date.

I don't think punishment is an effective parenting tactic at this age. You need your teens to behave well because they are controlling themselves, not because you are 'making' them. I aim to respond to adult teens as I would respond to an adult friend: if a friend took things of mine without asking, I would first try to check there hadn't been any misunderstanding (you have done that already), then be concerned and try to find out if they had some problem and I would also take steps to make sure it couldn't happen again. I might give them a second chance, or even a third, but if it did happen again, that friend wouldn't be coming into my house again... And I think a similar approach is appropriate for an adult son or daughter. If you explain that to your DS, he should understand...

Good luck with it. And don't lose hope: my son stopped stealing from me about 18 months ago, and yours will probably still stop too.

So if you say you will not live here if you steal or x y z . And they do, and they are in college. Sorry for a hijack of this thread but HOW do you eject them if there is nowhere for them to go and they have no money and how do you ever resolve things in future? (Will probably start another thread about this! )

So if you say you will not live here if you steal or x y z . And they do, and they are in college. Sorry for a hijack of this thread but HOW do you eject theom if there is nowhere for them to go and they have no money and how do you ever resolve things in future? (Will probably start another thread about this! )

Oops - sorry for double post !

I can't see another thread 46, but I thyour