Child-to-parent violence

[ancientandmodern]

Following on from some earlier threads on here, there's an interesting article about child-to-parent violence in today's (Dec 2) Times newspaper. It's behind a paywall,but is looking at how parents who are abused by their own children are either too ashamed to seek help or don’t know where they can turn.

Am thinking that perhaps an article in a national newspaper will increase awareness and services, or at least provide back up for those arguing for this.

This is an extract which I think will interest several posters:

Variously referred to as child-to-parent abuse, child-to-parent violence, battered parent syndrome, or Adolescent Violence towards Parents (AVP), which would seem to preclude the abuse perpetrated by younger children, two things are for sure. First, AVP is more widespread than anyone really knows. In 2009-10, the London Metropolitan Police recorded 1,892 cases of 13 to 19-year-olds committing assaults on their parents or carers. Bearing in mind that parents are more than reluctant to report their own children, for fear of bestowing upon them a debilitating criminal record, quite apart from sheer shame, we can be pretty confident that figure is merely one pixel in the true picture. Dr Rachel Condry, who led a three-year study into AVP at the University of Oxford, says the problem lacks a national network such as a helpline or website, and that there are only a handful of localised support projects in the UK, notably Break4Change (B4C) in Brighton and PAARS in Enfield, so many victims have nowhere to turn for help. On the policy side, the police and Youth Justice Board are only now poised to bring AVP on to the agenda.

Links for help are apv.crim.ox.ac.uk/

hertfordshireppp.co.uk/

www.break4change.co.uk/

Very interesting and controversial!

My DSD15 physically and verbally attacked her dad on holiday in Turkey this summer after he found fags in her bag! He slapped her across the face AFTER she had attacked him, knee jerk reaction which he deeply, deeply regrets - resulting in her ignoring him for weeks.

I posted about it on here and my DH was slammed for slapping her! People saying how awful that he slapped her, it's abuse, he's dangerous etc etc. She was like a banshee, screaming at him, calling him a 'fucking bastard' and other disgusting things! She drew blood after scratching him repeatedly.

She has also attacked her mum numerous times and has had a visit/warning from the police.

These kids think they are above the law. Her sister was heard talking about this by a teacher at school and Social Services became involved - visited mum at home. Now both DSD threaten to report her to SS if she disciplines them!!! We are still waiting for a visit from SS ourselves, don't think it's going to happen!

By teenagers it is a bit late. You have to stop any hitting, verbal abuse etc from the very first moment they try it. When you read the article the teenagers are angry. The first one has a father who is never physically abusive, but he it says he is verbally abusive and the mother obviously lets him treat her like that. In the second, all is well now but as a younger child his mother had an abusive partner for several years. Children never ever do what you say, they do as you do. I think they need professional help to get to the bottom of the anger.

I found the article interesting but one line annoyed me. The idea that any parent, especially Mothers who said that they didn't find their teenagers intimidating at times was, lying, naive or 'perfect'. I've never found my children intimidating and as my youngest is 17 we're nearly out of teenagerdom but I'm definitely not a perfect parent. I also know I'm very lucky.
I also realise that sometimes it's not anything the parents have done that makes their children behave like this. You've only got to read Maryz and Flow4 posts to understand that.

Thanks for posting this, ancientandmodern. I have been building a little collection of information about teen-to-parent violence, and at some point I will do something about trying to get a service started, at least locally.

satin, I am sure you are right that anger underpinned my DS's violence, but supporting them with that is easier said than done. He was angry long before he was violent, about things I couldn't control (esp. his father leaving the country and finding school stressful) and I bent over backwards to get him support with that: school offered no support; the GP referred us in; CAMHS told us we had a 'stronger than average' relationship and he didn't reach their thresholds; the counselling service agreed with him he didn't 'need' counselling. I think people who have never needed to find support for their DC often underestimate how very difficult it is to get.

He was never violent towards me until he got bigger than me, and then of course I couldn't stop him. I think he was violent with me simply because I was there when he was angry. He used to say "You're making me angry!" but I was doing normal things like trying to get him up for school or prevent him leaving the house at 1am, that I felt I couldn't responsibly stop doing.

I suspect you're right that teenagers who are abusive are sometimes simply copying learned behaviour, but not always. The key reason I wasn't with DS's dad (though I have never told him this) is that he became verbally and financially abusive, and then once put his hands around my throat when he was drunk, and I realised his drinking was out of control, and that I could never be safe with him. But DS was 6 months old and not in the room at the time.

I have always been very clear that I would end any abusive relationship immediately - as I did with DS's dad - which was one of the reasons it was so confusing and difficult to find myself living with an abusive and violent teenager - my own child - whom I couldn't throw out as easily as I would have thrown out any abusive partner.

I think that the human brain takes in so much subconsciously, even in the womb.
It is difficult because lots of times you have situations beyond your control. I think that our conscious mind is the tip of the ice berg, a tiny part, and the subconscious holds so much more -so that a child will, in rational moments, be quite clear that they are not angry, but underneath they are- if that makes any sense.
Very often you can go back and find a reason for the anger and very often it is unavoidable. Terrible things can happen in life.

Yes. I thought at first that if only I understood my child's anger, I could stop it. I learned in the end that understanding was not a solution or a priority: whatever the reason for the anger, the violence needed to stop.

SatinSandals - I sense in some of your comments an ignorant judgmental tone aimed at blaming the mother.

In what other crime would you blame the victim?

"By teenagers it is a bit late. You have to stop any hitting, verbal abuse etc from the very first moment they try it" .....and the mother obviously lets him treat her like that"

My son was (and still is) a very gentle, introverted little boy - he had never laid a finger or anyone - until he exploded into puberty rapidly and almost over night, became angry, aggressive and ultimately violent with me.

I don't know how you work that out. . Tragic things have happened in my life, they have an effect on the children. They are not my fault, they were impossible to stop or change.
You do have I stop it early. Mine tried calling me a bitch or similar when about 8 yrs- they only did it once! No way was I accepting anyone , let alone my family, be verbally abusive towards me. If I had let it go I dare say it would escalate.

Satin, if you think there's always an environmental cause or reason for teenage violence or that a mother can somehow prevent it by doing the 'right' thing when their child is little, then you're simply wrong.

I said 'might'-or at least I think I did-if not I was talking generalities.

My son has ADHD and ODD and is often VERY verbally abusive towards both my dh and me. I can't change his medical condition and couldn't have prevented it. I also have no problems with the behaviour of my other 2 teenagers.

Getting help is impossible. He has had CAMHS, Adolescent Support Team from Social Services, Councelling, YISP, Youth Justice Team and Peadiatrician help. He is very uncooperative with all services and will often refuse to go to sessions or talk to them when there. This has always resulted in them saying they can't work with him, leaving us to deal with him on our own.

We now feel powerless to change his behaviour and sometimes think we will just have to ride it out until he leaves home.

Interestingly no one has ever had the slightest interest in how his behaviour impacts on his siblings.

Satinsandals - as someone who has been on the receiving end of her son's anger, can I assure you that you are completely and utterly wrong. Talking 'generalities' on a thread which is so upsetting and personal to many is very offensive.

DS1's physical aggression started from a very young age, and continued throughout his childhood. His sister has been on the receiving end of it, as have DH and I, and it got so bad that I went to our fantastic GP who referred us to the Child Psych department (we've had 2 referrals over the years). Prior to that we were referred to a family centre, which didn't really do any good, sadly - the problem was more extreme than they could cope with. He's 16 now and doesn't lash out at us anymore, but he still has a very bad temper

Dd1 lashing out didnt start till she was 13 nearly 14 hitting her sister absive lanague to me
Then I got thumps slaps hair pulling slaming into doors screaming into my face knife threats nails in skin ( my right boob has a scar) the death threats were the worst the doctor put me on ad

We had police ssx2 school attendence officer refuge domestic voilence team from the police doctor cahms wasnt intrested

I had 18 months of living in total fear I made a descison that saved my life but lost my dd I was so close to ending my life just not to be hurting anymore dd2 suffered too but her views werent taken into account and shes had suffered too when it is happening to your family the utter shame is bad but nobody wants to help the ss that worked with my dd blamed me I was told to walk away when she started which I did but was thumped on spine ss response to that she had a bad day at school

Oh stars :( I hope things are getting better for you now.

Satin.
Life with a difficult teen is an exercise in humility. I have often had the same thought as flow. If my DH behaved as my DS16 does I would leave him. But we have to stand by our teens through unacceptable behaviour which is what makes it SO hard.

I have 2 very close in age. One is causing us no end of stress, the other is a delight to live with . If I only had the latter I am sure I would think I had got it all right, and there must be something 'wrong' in a family where kids that 'go off the rails'

It has taught me not to be judgmental , I now know this can happen in ANY family regardless of socioeconomic status, parental marital status, family values etc.
A problem teen really makes you question your parenting skills. We have recently had it confirmed by an adolescent psychiatrist we met with that we have excellent family values and we are a well resourced family but something has made our son drift into the wrong crowd with poor values. We knew this really but it was good to have someone confirm it as teen behaviour can really shake your confidence !
I hate it when people say the word 'let' as in why do you 'let' him smoke ? It is a meaningless term. We don't 'let' our teens behave badly, we are sometimes powerless to completely stop them.

Absolutely Claybury.

starsandunicorns - that must have been awful for you

Hear hear, Claybury.