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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Another argument

6 replies

Wibble1999 · 01/12/2013 11:40

So another day another argument leaving me in tears again.
Everyday my 19 year old DD either calls me stupid, tells me I'm a liar or I'm being negative.
If I disagree I negative, if I explain my reasons I get the "I don't want to talk to you about it, your just being stupid".
If I say something that she disagrees with I'm a liar, when I go to show her an article or wiki page that covers the subject to back myself up. She refuses to read it. If she can't find her stuff (she is supper messy) I've hidden it and I'm a liar for not admitting it.
She gets drunk and throws takeaway wrappers outside the front door at 3 in the morning, if I ask her to put it in the bin (next to the door) she says she will but doesn't. When I ask 10 days in a row.... I'm a nag and always on her case.
I hate living in a house with someone who thinks so little of me.

OP posts:
gleekster · 01/12/2013 11:51

Wibble, I feel your pain. My DD is currently living with her grandmother because I will no longer accept her dreadful behaviour.

There comes a point where you have to woman up and say "I do not deserve to have to live like this." I know it is hard, really I do, but what real consequences are there to her constant belittling and abuse? Tell her to be kind and polite or to leave.

Travelledtheworld · 01/12/2013 11:51

How long has this been going on ?
has the relationship deteriorated suddenly or has this been going on for a long time?

Is she in college /university ? is she working ?

You need to set some ground rules and explain it is your home, you are keeping her and you deserve some respect and help in return.

If not, she is an adult and you could ask her to leave home.

ivykaty44 · 01/12/2013 11:56

tell your dd that it is not working you living together in the same house and it would be better if she either sorted a flat share with some mates or got a flat she on spare room dot com

or she changes her ways as you are not living like it any longer

if she comes back with you are kicking me out - just say yes if you want

yegodsandlittlefishes · 01/12/2013 12:09

I am also wanting to know how long this has been going on.

You need to be kind and firm, pick your battles and set your house rules. She is old enough to go and find somewhere else cheap to live and a job to pay for it if she really hates your company so much she cannot treat you civilly.

She should not be being rude to you just because you are her mother. Tell her it is likely to become something she has no control over and she could end up treating other authority figures, future loved ones and friends and house mates as badly if she doesn't work on her social skills with you.

It is alright to disagree. It is rude to call someone a liar, and it is slanderour when not true. She would do well to stop that habit.

It is alright (by me) to be a bit messy as long as you stop whatever you are doing and tidy up shared areas whenever the home owners ask. Also personal arwas need a clean and tidy once a week or at least a fortnight.

My house, my rules. No getting drunk repeatedly. I am not running a hotel, residents should respect the hours I keep.

Throwing take away wrappers outside here would lead to a 3 strikes and you're out ruling at that age, and DH would back me up. At the 3rd time, her stuff would be in bags and all thrown out of the front door!

We had friends who got so sick of their son's messy room they put everything he owned oyt in the back garden. They told him his room would need a thorough scrub and he had to do that, and clean everything before being allowed his room back! (They were careful to be very positive and frienly/encouraging about it, and it worked!)

Wibble1999 · 01/12/2013 15:56

The behaviour was learnt from her autistic brother. I had to kick him out in the end because he also became physically threatening towards me. But it is the same words he used, stupid, liar, etc.
She has just started work and thinks now she pays board she can do anything. I've tried to sit down and explain our bills and show her that her board doesn't even cover her food.....but apparently I'm making the bills up and none of her friends pay board so she feels hard done.
It's just the two of us. Her brother lives near by and encourages her to treat me like this. It's difficult as there is a grandchild involved and I get my access stopped to her if my son doesn't get his way.
I've tried explaining that as a family house there are bad things like no friends in after midnight and basic help needed but on the plus side it's cheap, warm, full of food and free lifts.
Worst thing is I know it's only going to be a year or so and she will be gone, wish it was a nice year not one of fighting. I've been round the loop of kicking a child out and it's heart breaking, although ultimately needed for ones own sanity.
PS she doesn't accept her brother is autistic thinks he is 'sound' because he will take her out drinking.

OP posts:
Mybeautifullife · 01/12/2013 23:14

I thinkyou are trying to win her over too much. Just tell her, kindly and fairly what you would like to happen , and stick to your guns!

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