unhappy 13 yr old son...

[lymiemum]

just clearing out my boys bedroom, shared by 7 and 13 yr old sons. found a piece of paper, basically a a4 page about how unhappy he is and how much he hates us all. me, his dad and 2 siblings.
also found a zippo lighter, that i have no idea where it came from.

he is the eldest, he rants on abut how no one has any time for him, how the smaller 2 get everything they ask for.
how we treat him differently.
now i know its ranting, its his thoughts and possibly exaggerated. but its obvious he is not happy.

there is so much swearing and hate in the letter it is scary.

generally he is a great kid. had a few problems with lying and messing about regarding homework etc. which i posted about the other day...

what do i do when he comes home?

Does he have a point, do you think? Do you give him as much attention as the younger ones? It is a common fault to think that when a child becomes a teenager they don't need as much input from parents whereas I think the opposite is probably true.

How about the getting what he asks for? Does he have a Christmas list? Is he going to get the biggest thing on it? (I'm not saying you should get him it btw - I know teens frequently ask for more than parents can afford or want things that are not appropriate for them to have - but just have a think about how it must seem to him.

You probably do treat him differently but not for the reasons that he thinks. It is normal to have higher expectations of your oldest child. But the thing about teens is that they often want 2 things at once: they want to be treated as adults, but they also want the security of being treated as children.

OK, practically, what should you do? I would not comment on the piece of paper. I don't think you should worry too much about the anger expressed in his words. He is getting anger out on paper - far better to do that than to, say, take his anger out on his little brother, or by smashing things.

I probably wouldn't even let him know you read it tbh. Just be aware this is how he is feeling and see if you can build some bridges towards him over this weekend. Perhaps go Christmas shopping together? Ask him about his wants this Christmas? Spend some one to one time with him doing something pleasurable with him if he will let you.

Bottom line: try not to let him get away from you. I speak as the mother of a 17 year old who started to drift away from me when he was about your sons's age and who is now adrift from the whole family, friends, the lot. I can see now that the most important thing I could have done was try to keep in touch with my son's feelings and point of view.

he does have a point. he has always been good, easy to look after, easy to love. so now looking at it i can see that he would feel left out.
he gets things he wants b days, xmas and such. and inbetween gets stuff he asks for.
recently there have been a few things that have had to be replaced, that i have made him pay for. and thats pissed him off.
when we go out and do family stuff, unless its something he really wants to do he wants to stay home. i thought be letting him choose he would be happy. but i can see that in a teens head thats him being left out.

Yup, you're beginning to get it! Whatever you do, it will be wrong in the teen's head! Don't get me wrong, I love being a mum to teens most of the time, but when they are determined to find fault with you, they will find it, whatever you do.

Honestly, try not to feel too upset by what you found today. I really do think that if he is writing angry things on paper, he actually has quite a good mechanism for dealing with the frustrations he is bound to feel at 13.

True say, Guttersnipe!

Just a thought but does he get some individual time too - time when it’s just him and you or his Dad without his sibs, doing something he enjoys? (Teenagers do rant and whine over nothing though, and doing it on paper is a pretty harmless outlet)

Last night I and 13 year old DD when and got our hair cut in nearest big shopping town, did the Christmas Market and had long, chatty supper together in Cafe Rouge.

On the way home and this morning I've been thanked big time (unusually) and told 'It was lovely'.

Any chance of Dad doing a boys version of similar 'more grown up stuff' with your son? Or if not, you? Spring a surprise on him - cinema and supper out, skating, long walk in the woods/pub lunch, whatever you think will really surprise him and make him feel 'not a baby'?

What time does he go to bed? Could you have an hour or two in the evenings when he sits with you and you watch things on TV together? Alternate choices if possible. I had to watch every Top Gear, every car chase, every Louis Theroux documentary (no great hardship) and every programme about prisoners or gangs with my son, but it helped forge a great friendship. Treat him as older, yes, but with all the good things that involves. And remember if he's sitting watching TV it's likely he'll confide in you a bit more than if he's looking at you. And have Friday night treats with him, etc - make him glad he's a bit older.

thank you for the help.
we had a chat, i spent the day with him yesterday.
today he helped me get the advent calendars ready.
we have put some bits in place to give him time alone and with us, one on one.
thanks. again.

That sounds great lymie