Possible permanent exclusion

[Dragondream]

Hi, my DD 14 has been excluded today for 1 day and the Head is considering permanent exclusion. We are all in pieces about this and I was wondering if anybody had any experience of what happens in this situation?

There is a history of bad behaviour but it had improved lately, this latest issue is relating to a very serious statement my DD wrote in her homework planner regarding the Head whom she doesn't have a good relationship with at all.

DD is currently receiving counselling in school for her anger issues and was referred to CAHMS at the end of yr 9 but nothing has come of this. Would really appreciate some advice.

I have a few thoughts, and lots of experience: my DS1 was excluded more times than I can count, for 0.5-10 days. :( The following assumes your DD is at state school in the UK...

If your DD is currently excluded for a single day, it is very unlikely that the next step is permanent exclusion: one day is a relatively minor exclusion, and the head had the option of a longer exclusion or immediate expulsion, if the offence was serious enough. It sounds more like she's going for shock tactics, I'm afraid.

If she wishes to permanently exclude your DD, she will have to involve the governors: she cannot make the decision by herself. Most governors will back a head teacher, but it does give some protection from clearly excessive or unfair punishments.

You have a right of appeal.

The local authority will also be involved. Your DD must be educated, and the LA will have to find her another school place if this head throws her out. For this reason, LAs do not encourage exclusions, though they no longer have the power to stop them. You could consider phoning them for advice; I found mine helpful and reassuring, on occasions when the school was being unhelpful.

There is also an org called ACE (advisory centre for education??) that provides good information and advice. They have a website and part-time phone line for parents: www.ace-ed.org.uk

One of the things I found most stressful and upsetting was that some school management team members treated me like an 'enemy' when my DS was in trouble, not realising that I was struggling with him too and could have done with their support rather than bullying. I learned with senior team members were fair, decent human beings, and tried to deal with them whenever possible. You may be able to find a deputy to deal with instead of the head...

If push comes to shove and your dd does get expelled, this may not be the disaster you fear. I fought to keep my son in school, but with hindsight he may well have done better at a different school with a more relaxed approach and a head teacher who didn't dislike him so much. Another boy I know who was expelled went on to thrive in a different school, his self-confidence was less damaged than my son's, and he did not become alienated in the same way.

Good luck.

Think seriously about another school anyway. We mentioned this to DD during especially tricky patch last year and actually took her to some Open Evenings at other schools. The sharp reality check (new building, new teachers, unknown kids, different uniform/rules) was valuable. She suddenly realised it would be a bunch of laughs to start again somewhere else. We even looked at a State Boarding School (www.sbsa.org.uk) where you only pay for the boarding bit. That really brought her up short and showed her what one alternative might really be like.

Teenagers are up against all the usual trials of being "that" age and unfortunately much more, due to growing social problems such as increasing negative influences from celebrities,media,crime,drugs and financial divides, my heart goes out to them. I have 7 children one whom has been in Youth Offenders Institute. The slippery slope started with getting in the wrong crowd, then went on to total exclusion from school and ended in custodial sentence twice for gang associated crimes. All professionals involved agreed there were no family issues, this situation is often stereotyped but can in fact happen to anyone. The one thing my husband and myself learnt, was that no matter what said child is doing and however horrific their lifestyle may seem, whilst making it clear to not approve or condone how they were behaving, we started praising and continually reminding them of all their good points more than we shouted, told off, grounded and punished. It took a conscious effort and a lot of prayer but once the balance of praise outweighed the telling off things started to turn around. It is an easy trap to fall into and when you hate your teenager it goes against the grain to show them more love than ever before, especially when their response is a stream of bad language and screaming. But love conquers all and while some young people on the wrong path do come from disadvantaged backgrounds, this epidemic can affect young people from all walks of life. When a young person does not believe in themselves it is up to the adults around them to show that they believe in them and encourage them. On one last controversial note, it seems trying to teach your child morals and the right thing is getting harder and harder in this age due to the lack of morals and doing the right thing in our leaders and government, how can they expect society live by the morals and laws set when they are themselves are doing what some gangs are doing on a much larger scale and getting away with it because of the positions they hold??!!

wow, last poster, do you live in some of the dodgier African states?

our government and politicians aren't perfect and there are some crooks - but that's life, it always has been and most of our crooks get what they deserve.