13yo DS doing our heads in, and now DH and I falling out too!

[LeanneA]

I posted a while back about our DS's mood swings, and sorry to say things are not getting much better. Its like the poem - "When he is good he is very very good, but when he is bad he is horrid"!

Today we planned to go out, call in and see his gran for an hour this morning, then have a pub lunch and go for a walk in the lovely winter sunshine. He seemed perfectly happy with this arrangement, we arrived at grans and all was fine to start with, then he started getting moody; snappy replies when she spoke to him, rolling eyes at us when we cut him a disapproving glance and mouthing an innocent "what" - as if he doesn't know! Its almost like he goes into "self-destruct" mode, trying to prompt us to have a go at him so he can start an argument.

We kept visit short (she hasn't a clue what he can really be like when he goes off on one and we want to keep it that way). Then headed off in the car to the pub - OK so it was busy (he doesn't do crowds well) - DH went to bar whilst we found a table, and then the strop really started - he wasn't interested in looking at the menu, started fidgeting in his seat, "accidentally" kicking me under the table several times, grunting when we asked him something, just generally didn't want to be there, and totally spoiled the atmosphere. DH then said he didn't feel like eating there any more, so we drank up and left, abandoning the walk plans and came home.

I started to get some beans on toast for our lunch, and DS was rooting through the fridge, so I told him there was no "menu" to choose from here, he lost that priviledge when he spoiled our lunch plans, so it was beans or nothing. Then I got a tirade of abuse back, about how he wasn't the one who hadn't wanted pub lunch and we had promised to go for a walk but let him down by coming home early - Grrrrr! In the meantime, DH disappeared out in the shed and left us to it - Why am I always the one to have to deal with it and he just walks away and ignores it!

I told DS to get outside and cool down, or I would get his Dad to deal with him, and grabbed his arm to pull him towards the door. He started to fight with me, more abuse and shouting, but eventually went outside on his own. I went out and told DH he should come and speak to him as I was fed up with having to deal with DS by myself, and being treated as if I am causing it all!

No-one has spoken since - DS now disappeared outside somewhere, and DH dozed off in front of the TV. I get the impression DS thinks DH is now on his side of all this as he didn't deal with DS when I asked him to - he never does, its always me that tries to reason with him, punish him etc, and I get the impression I am often treated as the bad guy by both of them. DS doesn't like me issuing him sanctions and DH seems to think I should ignore DS, let him get on with things and give everyone a quiet life - I can't win ...

Sorry for my rant, just needed to let it out ...

Rant away, it's good therapy!

It is very difficult to be on the receiving end of this type of behaviour but I think I agree with your dh that you are going to have to learn to step back from it a bit - as you have seen it can quickly escalate and your own behaviour can deteriorate eg pulling his arm.

When your ds was sulking and being a pain at the pub maybe you should have just carried on with the plan and got a meal? He might well have cheered up a bit with some food in him and enjoyed the rest of the afternoon, I find that can happen with my 14 year-old ds.

Fact is they don't often know what the problem is, it is just a mood that overwhelms them and causes what you accurately describe as 'self-destruct mode' where they can't seem to stop themselves being a total pain and provoking those closest to them.

Likewise, when he was at home rooting in the fridge maybe you could have left him to it and carried on with your own food instead of being dragged into an unpleasant argy-bargy.

Have you read any of the books on dealing with teenagers? They aren't a magic solution but they can help to give a broader view of it all and some really useful advice on communication and dealing with conflict.

I agree with dave you do have to ignore a lot of the behaviour!

I've bought 2 really helpful books Whatever and Diva's and Doorslammers , both have good ideas and explain why teenagers act like they do!

I have a DS14 who seems to have transformed into an alien being!

Meant to add that it is a very positive thing that he was happy to go out to the pub and for a walk with you - at that age a lot of teens would refuse point blank!

Completely normal behaviour for a teenage boy I am afraid. Grunting, fidgeting, moaning, eye rolling ! He will want to spend less and less time with you, and more time doing his own thing as he grows and turns into a young adult.

Have a good browse of the other postings on this forum and see what other parents have to put up with and how they cope.

This is just the beginning and it will get harder, sorry.

You are your DH need to agree what is acceptable behaviour and what is not. Some things you can ignore, and some things will require you to withdraw privileges. Do NOT pick on the small stuff. Ignore the eye rolling, sulking and the moaning.

Limit the shouting and never resort to violence.

With mine I usually state my expectations : we are going to visit Granny because she likes to see you, and you will be polite and respectful. We will be back home at 4 pm and after that you are free to play whatever computer game you are obsessed with....if you are rude to her! or us! we will be taking the Wireless router away.

I have also found that my sons mood I proves dramatically after food. He needs a large dollop of carbohydrates, usually every two hours.

And they still need love, rewards and praise for a job done well !

This all sounds totally normal right up to your argument in the kitchen...

I agree blood sugar levels may have played a part. Both my boys get really ratty and rude when they're hungry - and if I'm honest, I do too. I have learned never to tell them off or talk to them about their behaviour or anything they won't like until after they (or we) have eaten. If I do, I can guarantee an argument. Your DS was probably already hungry in the pub; by the time you got home, he will have been ravenous; and when you stopped him getting food and had an (understandable) moan, I'd say an argument was inevitable.

The other thing I wonder about is smoking. Could he be a secret smoker, who didn't get his normal 'fix'? The behaviour you describe at granny's and in the pub does sound rather like nicotine withdrawal. My DS1 was like this, when he didn't want me to know he was smoking; spending 'family time' became increasingly difficult because it meant time without a cigarette (which apparently he managed fine on school days ).

The issue of having to deal with your DS alone, without your DH's support, is a separate one - and much more serious IMO. The two of you need to discuss your expectations and how you're going to handle the inevitable disagreements over the next few years. You need to agree a united approach. You are in serious trouble if you can't do that, IMO, because you will feel let down and/or undermined (as you have already discovered) and your DS will make the most of differences.

The teenage years bring a whole new set of challenges! Good luck. :)

Behaving badly - and then not wanting to accept responsibility for that - is classic early teenage behaviour. Nothing is their fault - whatever the drama was, it was always 'caused' by an adult and never them.

Time to bring in sanctions. This behaviour is not acceptable. He does not behave that way at Grandma's, nor does he behave like that in public when he is being 'treated' to a pub lunch. No pocket money this week or phone credit or whatever will hit him personally. Behaviour has consequences. Yes, you'll get yelled at -you've just taken control and he doesnt like it.

Your comment of 'He doesnt do crowds well' is telling. Stop indulging him with any acceptance of bad behaviour. No excuses - he has to learn to behave properly whatever the circumstances. I 'dont do bad behaviour by teenagers well' - does that give me an excuse to punch him? Clearly not. Stop making excuses for him like he's some poor little hot-house flower - adult reality starts here.