Went into a rage at Teenage Son

[Andy1964]

Like most other posts here he is a typical teenager (14)
Thinks he is entitled to everything and that the trees in our garden have money growing on them.
Tidyness and organisation are a constant battle with him, it goes in one ear and out of the other.

Cut to Saturday, he spent the day round his friends. I drove him there and picked him up, round trip of about 15 miles.
While he was out DW and I emptied his bedroom, tidied up the walls where there were lots of holes from shelves, TV's, Pictures etc. Re painted (quickly), cleaned the whole room top to bottom, re laid it out so it was more functional, generally spent all day on it.
His reaction when he came back;
"It's alright"

Had a chat about keeping it tidy, laundry, crockery and rubbish.

Sunday, I happened to wander into his room to find him on his Ipad with Laundry, crockery and rubbish littering his bedroom.

Cue me telling him that this was unacceptable, he should clear it up and do the things he has to do before the things he wants to do.

Then from downstairs I hear DW having a rant too and I could hear him on quite a few occasions during the rant tell his mother to;
"Shut up Mum!"

I walk upstairs to find him in the bathroom about to brush his teeth;
"Son, I don't ever want to hear you speak to your mother like that again. I suggest you do what you have got to do and spend the rest of the day staying out of our (Me and DW) way"

All this was fairly calm until DW joined in again ranting that she was sorting it out, trying to butt in (although I probably did in the first place) and this started a disagreement between me and DW.

That's when I saw red and went into a verbal rage at him, shouting and slamming doors. (real childish behaviour)
But I'd had enough of him disrespecting the his mother and all the things she does for him.

Arghhhhhhhhhh. Teenagers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

After that Sunday was a quiet day in our house

Sorry if I was too harsh, Andy.

Yes, I agree we all make cocks and fannies of ourselves, esp. when parenting! Also, I was thinking too much in terms of my 14yo, who is quite an easy soul to parent, and forgetting about all my confused failures with my older son.

ButThereAgain

No worries, for sure they (teenagers) are a pita, and you and the other posters have made some really good points, especially about not butting in, I promise I won't do it anymore.

Your right though. My DW and I do need to agree on somethings in this respect. We normally work as a really good team but I saw red when he was telling her to "Shut up Mum"

Excellent advice re leaving DS to his castle. However, can someone please explain what the rest of the family does when we have no plates or cups or glasses or towels left because they are all in DS castle?

Seriously the bedroom thing is a waste of time getting bothered over.

The problem is that you define self respect as keeping the level of tidiness that you like to keep in your own living space. But different people have different ideas of what constitutes a comfortable level of tidiness and not all people link self respect to tidiness in the way you do.

(I have masses of self respect. But an untidy house. I would absolutely not accept any friend of mine- or my elderly mother- coming round to try to impose their ideas of self respect/tidiness)

As a teenager, he should have a small space of his own where as far as is feasible his ideas of what is comfortable/acceptable/compatible with self respect should be allowed to develop. They may not be the same as yours. That's the whole point of growing up.

with the castle request that the ds or dd brings down towel for the wash and hangs it up after use.

I wouldnt be keen on plates in rooms etc but usually mine would bring stuff down and leave on side for magic dishwasher fairy

just relax Andy

Andy I see your point of view, I too have 2 boys one 14 and on 10!

My darling DS14 has changed overnight into this creature I don't recognise.

I've just given him a final warning and have told him that if he doesn't pick up his uniform/clothes and put them into the washing hamper then I will not be washing his clothes this weekend. I've been building up to this for 2 weeks now!

My kids don't take cups/plates upstairs as they are not allowed to but what I'm finding is hidden crisp packets, sweet wrappers and biscuit crumbs as he is secretly stashing and eating up there.

We have a cleaner and many times I've left her a note telling her not to clean his room as he hasn't tidied it. He hates it but tough.

I always knock before I go into his room but I'm sorry (will get flamed) this is MY house, I pay the bills and these kids need to respect that. If I want to fill his room with pink sparkly balloons I will. If I want to put fairy stickers on his wall, I will (obviously I wouldn't) but he's a CHILD living in my house and there are rules to follow!

Teenagers, they're so messy. I have two. My DS is 19 now, moved out 2 years ago and lives in a flat with pals. I visit occasionally and the flat is always chaotic; used plates and glasses everywhere, DVDs scattered, random papers on all surfaces, iron and board standing in the living room with laundry piled on, dining table unusable because of 'stuff', laptops, remotes, gaming devices everywhere. Everyone seems happy with this state of affairs though including me lol. The bathroom is clean and tidy though .

When he lived at home I would give him a week's warning that I was intending to do a clean up of his room to reclaim dishes, locate dirty clothing, clean window etc and that it might be better if he did it first. He usually did because he didn't want me 'finding' stuff iykwim. If not, I did.

OP, I really wouldn't worry too much about the mess keep the door closed. Choose your battles carefully.

Re: replacing telly. With hindsight do you think you really shouldn't have done that? The consequence of him breaking the tv should be the inconvenience of not having one in his room.

I do love his reaction when he saw his new improved room. "S'allright" from a teen can be translated into "wow it's amazing thanks mum and dad".

The bedroom mess seems to be so common and advice is usually to leave it but i really feel food should be eaten downstairs and that diminishes the hygiene/mess issue.

"I always knock before I go into his room but I'm sorry (will get flamed) this is MY house, I pay the bills and these kids need to respect that. If I want to fill his room with pink sparkly balloons I will. If I want to put fairy stickers on his wall, I will (obviously I wouldn't) but he's a CHILD living in my house and there are rules to follow!"

Louby, isn't part of the point with bringing up teenagers that you gradually train them to think of themselves as adults?

That they learn that following houserules is about showing consideration for other people, gradually on a more and more equal level?

Wouldn't a random act like filling his room with pink sparkly balloons (not, I am sure, that you are planning to do this ) sort of defeat this object?

If they reach the age of 18 and still think of themselves as children who have to obey the rules without thinking of why, have we really done our job properly?

I pay the bills so I have a perfect right to complain if dc wreck anything of mine or anything that is communal. I have a right to complain if they waste too much energy or shower too often or eat too many biscuits.

But as part of the adult training course, I provide them with a small space where they can exercise their own taste and judgment as long as they do not wreck anything of mine or ours.

Incidentally, OP, my ds went through a phase where he thought I could have no self respect seeing that I could show myself in public in such un-cool, unfashionable clothes.

Apparently it was my winter coat that absolutely denoted no respect for myself or other people. (I hasten to add that it was clean and whole).

He made a serious effort to save me from myself. Unavailing, alas: the coat is still being worn.

"I always knock before I go into his room but I'm sorry (will get flamed) this is MY house, I pay the bills and these kids need to respect that. If I want to fill his room with pink sparkly balloons I will. If I want to put fairy stickers on his wall, I will (obviously I wouldn't) but he's a CHILD living in my house and there are rules to follow!"

My Dp pays the bills in our house. Does that give him the right to absolutely dictate how I live?

louby44
TBH, with ref to the comment about "It's my house I pay the bills"
Both my DW and I would wholeheartedly agree with you.
I would be the same if I was renting the room out and even landlords state in their contracts when you rent a house that a certain level of household maintainance is part of the tennants responsablity.

Whilst we are trying to teach them to become adults we also need to ensure that when they leave the nest they can support themselves as well as maintain a living space, why? Because otherwise we are creating a generation of people who will be the subject of numerous posts over in 'Relationships'
Would you tollerate your DH or DW if they left dirty laundry all over the house, if they left cutlery and crockery laying around, if they littered your front room with sweet, crisp wrappers and soft drinks cans.
I think the answer would be no.
It is a very fine line between teaching them to have some self respect for their enviroment (and themselves) and on the other hand allowing them to grow as individuals.

KatieScarlett
"can someone please explain what the rest of the family does when we have no plates or cups or glasses or towels left because they are all in DS castle?"

lol, yes please. I'd like to know this too. We would run out of crockery in about three days

Tabby1963
"Re: replacing telly. With hindsight do you think you really shouldn't have done that? The consequence of him breaking the tv should be the inconvenience of not having one in his room."

My thoughts exactly, try telling DW that though. Like I said before I'm too strict and DW is too soft

"I do love his reaction when he saw his new improved room. "S'allright" from a teen can be translated into "wow it's amazing thanks mum and dad"."

Lol, I know. I honestly didn't expect much more than that, they are so emotional like that eh?

cory
"Apparently it was my winter coat that absolutely denoted no respect for myself or other people. (I hasten to add that it was clean and whole)."

PMSL

Absolutely you have a right to expect that common areas of the house are kept the way you want them. Absolutely. But not people's bedrooms. People, of all ages, have a right to their own private space. And my children are not tenants!

The person who's doing the washing up in our family does a trawl of the house looking for dirty dishes. Dp often, for example, leaves a mug in the bathroom from his early morning tea. I often leave one next to my sewing machine.

Surely its 'our home' not your house?

tbh i lean towards its my home and I and dh pay mortgage and bills etc and when you have your own home ...... blah, blah, probably said by own dps too years' ago.

However if they mess up their rooms now then so be it. I used to stress about ir but because only ds here now things are easier. I hate the mess and the way my dcs wouldn't help more.

noddyholder

"Surely its 'our home' not your house"

lol, no need to be so pedantic lol. It was a figure of speech.

I don't know how to edit post but yes OUR HOUSE, not my house.

I stand correected ;)

Our house- means it is our family's house. And that includes children. As I said, my children are not tenants.