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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

DS15 bullying behaviour and curfews

13 replies

Orangedays · 10/11/2013 14:22

My DS15 is being utterly foul to both his parents and he says the problem is we treat him like a '6 year old'. Further investigation into why he thinks this is ONE thing - that we do not allow him to stay out at parties 'like all my friends' until 2-3 am every weekend.
Anyone have any insight into why he would say this ? Are many teens allowed to stay out this late? He will not go out to parties at all now because he says he is too embarrassed at being the first to leave ( at say 11 or 12)
Sounds laughable I know but he is really angry about is and has been for a long time. He says he will continue being withdrawn and angry until we give in.

OP posts:
missnevermind · 10/11/2013 14:26

Sorry. But 15 yo boys are horrible and moody and aggressive.

We just have to hang on in there until they are 16 yo boys and return to being human.

missnevermind · 10/11/2013 14:30

Sorry. Proberly all of his friends are saying this to their friends.
It's just a continuation of ' but Harry has the new Thomas the Tank toy so I want it toooooooo'

15 year old boys should be locked in a room and have food thrown at them 27 times a day.

Helpyourself · 10/11/2013 14:31

Extraordinarily, he's probably right. I've given up trying to work out what's reasonable in the contact of other people's parenting. You just have to do what you know is right.

wakemeupnow · 10/11/2013 17:02

My ds 15 would not be allowed out till 2 or 3 am. Maybe expceptionally , like if it was New Years eve I'd let him stay till 1am

I think 11 is late enough for a weekend in term time and I consider myself a pretty lax , not very strict parent ! If I go and collect him all his mates are usually going home by 10.30/ 11.00 on a friday/saturday night.

Orangedays · 10/11/2013 17:20

Thank you all that is reassuring. I wanted to check I'm not an out of date kill joy old fart.
In addition, he NEVER has let us pick him up or drop him off anywhere , he walks or gets bus home. So we never really know where he is. Which is how he likes things to be. I'm not comfortable with this for a year 11, but he has led us to believe its normal.
Agree with your times wake, and I don't want to be lax! 2am -3am is simply ludicrous and closer to my getting up time !

OP posts:
lljkk · 10/11/2013 17:30

I've been reading this book which may give you some succor, OP; I feel rather Hmm about lots of it but I think it's pretty spot on about teens rudely & mendaciously demanding supposed independence (but not really...)

DS is 14 & if he had a need for a curfew it would be something like 10:30pm on weekends.

blueemerald · 10/11/2013 17:39

Err when I was 15 I was often at house parties until 2/3, probably 3 Saturdays a month. My parents would only let me go until that time if I was picked up by one of them. If they weren't able to I had to be home much earlier.

If he's really not going out (say for a month) rather than come home earlier it might be worth compromising? Soon he'll need to learn his limits (in terms of lack of sleep) because he will be responsible for himself.

I'll add the caveat that I don't have children Blush so these are all suggestions based on my teenage experience.

breadandbutterfly · 10/11/2013 20:01

Coming back on your own at 2-3am doesn't sound v safe and you don't want to be giving him lifts back at that time. So it seems impractical. Could you say yes, once a month, if he gets a lift back with a friend? If he was a year or two older, it would seem more reasonable.

flow4 · 10/11/2013 20:29

It won't be true that "all his friends" are allowed out til that time, but it's probably true that some are - or do, even if they're not 'allowed'. My DS1 (now 18) definitely wasn't allowed to stay out that late, but I suspect he sometimes did. After a while, I cottoned on to the fact that some of the arranged, agreed 'sleepovers' (i.e. "Can I stay at X's house on Saturday please mum?") were in fact used as opportunities to stay up and out very late.

I found 15 the worst and most difficult age for this: he still felt so young and immature to me, but he obviously felt very grown-up and mature to himself. And at some point that year, he realised I could no longer stop him from doing things he wanted to do: if I grounded him, he went anyway. And he wanted to do things like this SO badly that he didn't much care about subsequent punishment.

One of the things I find myself saying quite often is that around this age, parents of teenagers sometimes feel they're 'losing control' because their DC is doing things that parents dislike or have banned. It's a horrible feeling; when it happened to me, it made me sad, panicky and angry. However, with hindsight, now my DS seems to have grown up and become much more pleasant again, I can see that even when I lost control, I still had influence. Ultimately, I think you just have to do what you think is right, and keep on giving them moral messages'... and even if they appear to reject these, they do seem to absorb them in the end. :)

Orangedays · 11/11/2013 14:13

Thanks flow I agree with all that, I have had the same situation re sleepovers. Glad yours is becoming more pleasant...

He has just got such a persecution complex - 'I won't go to the party because it ends at 3am and I know you won't let me stay til the end , so I'll just be cross with you all the time '. ' you are only offering me a lift so you can see where I'm going ' ' you only bring me breakfast in bed because you don't want me to sleep in all morning '. blah blah blah
Is it so hard to believe that your parents could actually be nice people ?!
Confused and exhausted!

OP posts:
flow4 · 11/11/2013 18:14

My usual response to paranoid, self-pitying comments like that is to say something like "Yes dear, that's right. It must be so awful having me as your parent!" Grin

lljkk · 11/11/2013 19:11

That comment would make mine furious.

flow4 · 11/11/2013 23:14

You have to say it very sweetly. Grin It seems to make mine realise (a) they're being ridiculous, and (b) I can't be guilt-tripped.

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