Can someone give me parenting tips on behaviour and 16yr old daughter

[febel]

My daughter is 16. 2 ES, neither of whom live at home now (uni and job) She went to 6th form college I September. Well, if I thought her behaviour was bad before I didn't know anything! She has always been a little deceitful but we have found her out frequently cos she is stupid about it. We have had a lot of , to other people perhaps minor, trouble with her (internet relationship with 18 yr old (at 14),lack of respect for other members of the family's possessions, and her mouth has to be heard to be believed, esp when she has it on her or is taking out her bad mood/upset/pmt etc out on me and various lying etc).
Tonight she got in at 5.45, having been in town from lunch time, half day at college. I asked if she'd had a nice time, did she want tea (NO!),who she had seen/been with (NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!) ETC Not grilling, just trying to be friendly and interested, like I have been with my elder two, and it didn't cause offense then. She has then treated me to a very vitriolic diatribe and retired to her room (GET OUT OF MY LIFE!)

Once again I am in tears...this happens several times a week and I don't know what to do..I am at my wits end and feel such a failure for saying so.
She seems to hate us, esp me, so much and I feel so rejected. She spends all her time in her room on her I pad (yes, she was spoilt with an I pad last xmas..tho it rankled she had to put towards it)Bin in room is FULL of chocolate paper and crisp packets. (healthy diet anyone?) but up to her I feel. She has a job, which I helped her sort, but still gets pocket money, gets ferried around, gets her canoeing and dancing paid for...but is so very very nasty and hateful. I feel if she did have a problem our relationship has broken down so much she wouldn't even come to me with it.
I am not innocent, I work with difficult post 16yr olds for goodness sake bt when it's your own it's very different and I feel near to a nervous breakdown at times. Have to say sadly even her sisters are wary of her cos of the way they have seen her behave when at home.
Any tips please...I may love her but I feel she certainly doesn't love or like me, and I certainly don't like her when she is screaming at us or trashing her room cos she was punished (last week husband took phone off her overnight)

No great advice but loads of lovely people will come on soon and give you tons of suggestions.

Have look back as there have been a few threads similar to this recently.

I know people will suggest, stop giving her money, driving her around!

I have just read Divas and Doorslammers and think there's some useful things in there you could do to improve your DD's behaviour and your relationship. It sounds like you can withold use of her iPad and pocket money as leverage to get her to modify her behaviour. The trick is to concentrate on one or two things at a time and not try and sort out everything in one go. But download the book if you can because I think it will help. Good luck.

Thanks for that reccomendation...have ordered Mercury's Chld and divas and Doorslammers from amazon...not sure if they will help but am desparate. Feel totally out of my depth and a bad and hopeless parent at times cos feel we are talking different languages...not sure why cos am fine with kids at work!

Came to give you an unmumsnetty hug.

I have a 14yr old who is Jekyll and Hyde. I test the water and if she's in a foul mood treat her as I did when she was a toddler. Feed her, let her 'play' on her own - give her some space, reward good behaviour (saying thanks for doing household chores etc) and consequences for bad - removing iPod mainly and switching off router.
I try and do shopping /coffee trip if I feel we need to talk to each other properly. Less likely to end up shouting at each other in a busy shopping centre.

Another book you may find helpful is blame my brain.

DH uses some of the D&D techniques at school (he's a teacher) and says they have been helpful in dealing with the behaviour issues so hopefully there will be something in there that will help you get on top of things.

Thank you all...not getting better, discovered bottles of Becks and cider in bin today, we were out last night, and she's ob been drinking OUR alcohol, again wouldn't mind so much but she doesn't even ask, just takes and hides the evidence. Where have I gone wrong with her?
Roll on uni...

febel
you have not gone wrong - she is just much more anti-social than you older two and you need step up to tightening her corset.

Sit her down, write down family rules with consequences and stick to your guns. You can't make her love you but you can curb that vile behaviour. If you succeed you may find to your surprise that she likes you much better.

Many teens WANT to be controlled because they cannot control themselves.

1. maybe the tone of your questions.... Well, my own mother used to monotonously ask "how was school" and "have you eaten your lunch" every day, already knowing the answer (school boring, lunch barely edible), and not wanting to hear anything that seemed important to me. I can't describe how annoying those questions sounded.

2. keeping alcohol at home with a teenager around -- bad bad bad idea :(