Seeking advice about teenagers and bedtimes (for them and for us!)

[AllOverBarTheShouting]

I have met a lovely man and we are pretty serious about each other. My dc are much younger than his, specifically his eldest DD who is just 14, so I'm feeling a bit clueless. We are taking things slowly wrt the kids. However, at some point I will be staying over at his house when his dc are also there, and am feeling a bit uncertain / awkward.

His DD stays up quite late, imo - 11pm - at weekends and holidays (is this late?). DP and I would undoubtedly like to go to bed earlier than this sometimes. In fact DP and I would like to have a snog goodnight when I leave in the evening which is why I've realised this could be a problem, as she is still up and hanging about a bit as I try to leave (I know - she is allowed to hang about in her own home!).

So do we wait up with her, or go up to bed beforehand, or encourage her up to bed earlier? Is she likely to be embarrassed about the idea of us sharing a bed(room)? Clearly we are not all over each other in front of the kids and I don't want to do anything to embarrass her, but my dc are so much younger they are pretty oblivious to all things sex related and also tucked up much earlier. Help!

Can't advise on the snogging-in-front-of-teenagers thing, but 11pm bedtime at weekends etc sounds very normal for a 14yo. DS is 15 and I often go to bed before him these days. By that age you get used to not having any adult time without children in the evenings.

I didn't mind my mums bf staying over when I was that age. I was just happy for her.

Most things get easier as DC get older but there is a point at which you lose that window of peace when they have gone to bed and you have time to yourselves.
At 14 11pm is not unusually late on a weekend and I think to alter that would cause a minefield of resentment.
The good news is that they are perfectly capable of putting out the lights if they go to bed after you.
Mine are 17 and 15 and they both stay up until all hours on a weekend but on weekdays the youngest goes to bed about 10 and the older one about 11pm.
Also they hang around in their room

Give up any thoughts of having a shag at his house when DD is there, ever, whatever time whoever goes to bed, however quiet you think you can be. She Will Know and it will be too appalling to contemplate and scar her for life. And you too probably.

(Speaks from experience)

11 pm isn't late at weekends/holidays for a 14 year old. I think you will just have to do what other parents of teenagers do, and grab private times when you can. The idea of "encouraging" her to go to bed earlier for your benefit is a little off, I think. As is your dislike of her "hanging about". You sound a little bit selfish tbh.

11pm for a 14 yo (I assume) is not late for weekends or holidays imo. I don't even think it's late for a school night, though my DCs are all sleep-averse.

The conversations that are needed with the 14 yo are for your boyfriend to have with her. How he handles it all will tell you a lot about him. As Exexpat says, though, teens can often set their own bedtime, and if this one has been used to the run of the house until 11pm then that is something you are going to have to get used to, and just be discreet, or have dates away from the house occasionally just as you would if you were the parent of teens yourself.

The bf needs to be upfront with the DD about how serious your relationship is. It shouldn't come as a complete surprise to his DD that you sleep over when that time comes.

Many thanks all for the advice and insight, especially into what constitutes a normal bedtime! It is really hard to know when you only have under 6-s yourself and I can't remember what I did at that age.

Re being selfish, I don't think I am - I did acknowledge that of course she can hang about in her own house. And I honestly thought that 11pm was pretty late for that age - happy to acknowledge I'm out of touch there. But when we've been in the living room together all evening and I get up to go, and DP comes to the door to see me out (my dc not with me every time) and she comes to the door too and stands next to him, it's hard to not think it would be nice to just have 20 seconds alone with him for a quick snog.

And yes it is absolutely for him to have that chat, that's why I'm asking here as it's brilliant to get a reality check rather than ask and run the risk of sounding like I don't want her around. She's lovely but teens and no adult time in the evenings are an entirely new thing for me. As is the idea of announcing brightly "off to bed!" to a teenager who may be cringing in embarrassment at the idea of her dad in bed with his gf.

You may well find that if you try snogging in front of her she will be horrified disappear into another room sharpish... But probably best if her father has a chat with her about your relationship first.

I think it's too late. My 15 year old goes at 10.

But we have a rule that adults go to bed last so there never will be any hanging about downstairs where the alcohol/food/phone and Internet connection are.

I don't think 11 at weekends is unusual.

Your DP needs to have words with her about allowing you a few minutes to say goodbye in peace. She sounds like she's doing it on purpose, either that or she's used to being told to say goodbye to visitors politely and see them out and is just continuing. She must realise though, I suspect she's doing it on purpose to not allow you those few minutes.

Surely you can be discrete about where you have your snog? You seem to say that you do stay over when she's there so what's the problem? Can you not do your snogging once the bedroom door is closed behind the pair of you?

In my experience, my teen is more often than not in his room when he's not floating around the house at all hours, looking in the kitchen cupboards for food. If I had a man here I can imagine I'd have ample opportunity to do whatever I wanted without him noticing.

Why is the daughter always in your company anyway? That seems a little odd to me as most teens are caught up in an insular online world that revolves around friends and Facebook/Twitter/Skype/Instagram/Xbox Live etc.

Maybe there is some truth in the notion that she is trying to make things deliberately awkward for the two of you...?

I agree that it's for her dad to have a chat with her and lay his cards on the table.

I think her dad needs to have a word with her about being a gooseberry. I also think he should walk you to your car and do a bit of snogging there in the meantime. I think this would be both courteous and a way of carving out a bit of time together.

Along with QueenoftheSarf, I am also wondering if the teen has her own phone or tv in her room or a laptop she could be amusing herself with instead of watching whatever is on the family tv or just vaguely hanging around? I rarely saw DD1 when she was about that age -- she had just got a dvd player and tiny tv in her room and loved watching movies there when her homework was finished.

Case of having to carve out the moment, I'm afraid. 11 is quite a normal bedtime for that age and any attempt to suddenly change a rule that has been working well for them would involve embarrassing explanation.

(And Laurie's rule about the adults having to be down last is only really relevant if you have some reason to believe your teen would not be trustworthy: if this girl has always been fine around the food/alcohol etc it would be odd to suddenly stop trusting her just because it would be more convenient for the new partner.

I would never dream of needing such a rule for my 13yo; after all, he is often alone at home in the day, so I have to trust to his ability to lock up and be reliable. He is allowed to stop up until all hours to watch Match of the Day at weekends as long as he keeps the volume down and remembers to switch all the lights out.

iirc there are some special reasons why Laurie's teen needs a bit of extra protection. Most of us who are not in that situation would accept that our teens are out and about a lot without adult supervision by that age and are used to a certain level of responsibility.)

Imo it is quite likely that she is deliberately being a gooseberry; she probably still feels a bit uncomfortable about this new relationship and may well feel her dad is the one she needs looking out for. Be tactful and understanding, but let him walk you to the car or take you upstairs- and make sure if she tries to follow that he says very firmly, no I am seeing AllOver out/going to bed now.

Yes, sorry - should have said I'm a foster carer so the teens have to have extra rules to keep them safe and the house must be locked up by an adult/they're not at home alone etc.

Yes what is unusual is the teen spending her time in the living room. Mine have a desk with tv / music/ laptop in their rooms. I am positively grateful if they honour me with their company, especially DS2 who is 15 and going through the cave dwelling stage.
It could be that she is feeling jealous or insecure and is deliberately chaperoning her dad? He needs to spell it out to her that you have a serious relationship and she is still his number one priority.

Mine are shoo'd to their rooms around 9:30-10, even on weekends/hols.

lljkk - is that so that you and your DH/DP get time alone together? And do your DCs live with you all the time?

One possible difference in this scenario is that the DD presumably splits time between her parents' houses, so when she is at her father's house, the idea is to spend time with him, rather than hide in her room. Also, most of the time presumably the father has not had another adult around he wants to spend 'adult time' with. For both reasons, it makes sense that there would have been no habit of banishing his daughter to her room that early in the evening. I am a lone parent, and I don't feel the need to send my DCs up to their rooms - that would just leave me downstairs on my own (with the dog...).

I would say that changing those patterns so that the OP and her DP get time alone together is something that needs to be done gradually and without making the daughter feel she is being rejected or excluded by the appearance of a new woman in her father's life.

DC with me all time, not so we get any time together, just so I can go to sleep! I have to be up 6:30ish, and I need some quiet wind down time, too.

Totally agree about OP needs to introduce any changes sensitively.

Thank you again for the insights. She is only just 14 and quite young for her age going on what I'm reading about other teens here. She does spend a fair bit of time in her room during the evening, but his other DD is 9 and therefore around more in the early evening. Then there is time spent all together - dinner and a board game say - then the younger one goes to bed and the older one stays up!

There may be a bit of insecurity, also as someone suggested manners in seeing out a guest and slight novelty value for her in being up later, downstairs hanging out. I would never wish for her to feel pushed out or sent away to her room especially given that she doesn't live at her dad's full time.

I haven't yet stayed over when his kids have been at home but there are a couple of events coming up where it would make sense to do so and we will have to take the plunge then as I'm not sleeping on a couch - I think that would be more confusing in fact. Will make sure bf has had a chat about it all... This is all such a minefield - so much simpler when you can get to know someone pre kids!