How do I help my 15yo DD get over her first BF?

[Cuddleczar]

My DD went out with a boy from her school for 10 months, and it seemed to be a very intense relationship on both sides, but he unexpectedly broke it off, which she found was devastating. This happened a year ago, when she had just turned 14. Since then, she has been up and down, but still feels that she is not "over it". Every day, she comes in from school (where she sees him and his current GF every day, often in the same lessons) and cries about it. She says she knows that really he wasn't the right person for her, but that she was really in love with him, and that part of her wants to hang on to the wonderful way that made her feel. This is despite the fact that after they broke up he spread some very unpleasant rumours about her (school got involved at that time but these rumours have been repeated by the boy's GF just a couple of weeks ago).

She has recently started going out with another boy (in the year above this time, she wasn't going to make that mistake again!) but feels that it is all very lukewarm, and he doesn't give her butterflies etc in the same way. She had hoped that a new BF would help her get over the old one, but it seems to have made things worse, she feels it has made her realise afresh that she is still dreaming of the former BF.

I've told her that she is hanging on to those memories because they made her feel good, and I think she does realise that even if the old BF ditched his GF and asked her out again, it wouldn't be the same. I've also said that anything she says or does with the new BF has the potential to eventually be spread around the entire year group. (Sad but true.) She seems to be "stuck" in unhelpful thought patterns, and I have suggested that she tries to actively think more positive/different thoughts whenever she finds herself ruminating about the past. It is definitely affecting her ability to work in this academic year, which is so important, GCSEs etc.

School have noticed that she keeps bursting into tears and referred her for counselling at school, but she has not found this very helpful. I did explain that they are more likely to help her to understand for herself the reasons why certain things happen etc, rather than advising her what to do. She says that part of the problem is that she feels she doesn't want to get over it, ie wants to hang on to those memories/thoughts at all cost.

I am certain that if she was not seeing this boy every day at school, she would have moved on by now. She has the option to change schools for sixth form but says ideally she would not want to move schools.

Has anyone experienced anything similar with their DD or DS? Any advice for her on how to put it all behind her and get on with her studying would be very helpful...

Any thoughts anyone? I was interested to see the thread on cognitive behavioural therapy, particularly if this was something she could do on her own--does anyone have experience of that?

Well, in the absence of any replies, I'll chuck in my 2p worth (bear in mind my DS is a toddler, so this could all be utter cobblers!).

CBT - I have never had CBT but know about it as I trained as a hypnotherapist. Can indeed be very useful for helping someone identify, manage and change unhelpful thought patterns. Will also be a 'toolkit' your DD could use through life for different situations, so has longevity that might make it worth looking into.

General advice - sounds like she's focussing on things more because, as she admits, she doesn't want to forget. Maybe it would help to reassure her that she probably won't forget, as he was her first BF? If she's reassured she won't forget perhaps she won't put so much effort into remembering, if that makes sense? Not sure about you, but I remember my first BF (more's the pity ) - maybe you could discuss memories of your first BF with her?

Moving schools sounds like it could be good for a fresh start, but only really if she actively wants to. It's great that she's talking about this so much with you (you could have dragged me over hot coals before I'd talk to my mum about boyfriends ) and it's a cliche, but time will do the trick. It's just that when you're that young it's hard to mentally project yourself into the future to appreciate that!

Hope she feels better soon.

To be honnest, I don't think you can help her get over it. Teenage emotions run deep, and this is something you need to let her work through for herself. She'll eventually find something or someone that bowls her over and completely takes her mind off EXBH, but until then, you need to be there to comfort and support.

Like North says, this is something she will never forget, and in time will mark down to experience, but that doesn't make it easier on a day to day level when she's seeing a boy that she's still emotionally attached to having a good time with another girl.

I don't think changing schools is necessarily the right idea either, unless she really wants to. Walking away from things never really helps in the end IMO.

For the time being, you need to be a supportive Mum. Perhaps start up a new hobby together that might, in time, fill her time a bit and give her something else to think about.

We had this same problem with ds1 (18). He went out with a girl for 18 months. He was 16 when she finished with him to go out with one of his friends. He was devastated and I know he kept texting her to try to get her to change her mind. They were very intense and had bought each other lots of little gifts (and not so little) and he still keeps all these in a box in his wardrobe. Unfortunately we all, as a family became quite involved with her. She would come on day trips and out for meals with us so we all missed her.

I think, in the end, time has been the healer and he has recently brought another young lady home. It's good that your dd talks to you, ds doesn't really. I don't know what you can do other than support her until she is able to move on. I'm afraid it affected ds's school work too but, to be honest, I was more worried about his mental health than his exam results.

I know what you mean Jinty about being more worried about their mental health than their exam results. I have asked myself at what point it stops being a painful but normal human experience and turns into something pathological that needs professional help. I think at the moment we are still in the first category but there have been times when I have been seriously worried about her stability.

I really appreciate all your replies--I think she has sometimes felt that she is the only one who has reacted like this following a first relationship, so it is really reassuring for her. Thank you!