Teenage anxiety

[jbd3]

My 16 year old daughter suffers major anxiety. She has been anxious for years - with panic attacks at times, poor sleep when worrying about things, exam stress (GCSEs last year) and lots of friendship anxiety. It breaks my heart to see her like this and every time we think things are improving she has a melt down. We tried counselling - she did not feel able to follow through; recently found a private psychologist - who she agreed to see but it has not helped (I think partly as this psychologist is not really trying to see the bigger picture). She has resisted seeing anyone at school though I have now asked her new tutor to talk to her and see what can be offered.
She sees me as her biggest support - though I feel this is getting harder and harder. I know I can not directlymake things better for her and school, with friends and so on, but I still carry guilt that if I had got her some sort of help in previous years maybe things would be better now. Also I had breast cancer when she was 9 which of course was not an easy time (included chemo). And I worry about how she will cope with life and the world out there - I can not always be there for her and indeed it would be wrong for her for me to try and do so.

What sort of treatment has she had in the past?

CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) can be really very helpful in anxiety. It aims to break the loop of negative thoughts.

Why was she unable to see counselling through? I was a very anxious teen - panic attacks etc - and I finally got counselling in my early 20's. I really wish I'd gone earlier. If she could persevere with counselling it will help but it's not a quick fix. You are also clearly worrying about this - would it be possible for you to have some counselling together as well as for your DD alone if this would help her to stick with it?

The challenge is partly getting her to go in the first place. The inital counselling was in a not very nice area or centre -and going to a place she does not know is one thing that makes her panic. The psychologist we have just tried suggested my daughter might not yet be ready to talk - she did not make it to 2 of the 4 appts so far, getting in a state the evening of the last one so we had to pull out at short notice. And my daughter says she does not find it easy to talk about how she feels - does not know how to word it or able to say if she does not agree with anything the therapist says. I think there is also an issue that she wants something to work quickly - which is partly a teenage way of thinking.

Have been very much in this situation. Six months ago my 16yo pretty well spent her time cowering under the bedclothes: she had given up on life and didn't think things could ever get better. I had the same feeling as you: that I was expected to carry her and that it was getting increasingly difficult; in fact, as she grew older and was supposed to become independent it just felt wrong.

Now she is attending college full time and confident about the future in a way I would never have thought possible. She takes herself off on the college bus at 7 every morning, and will organise trips to London (a 2 hour train journey) to see a show she has booked herself.

We must have been very lucky about the counselling. I don't think she was required to do much talking, beyond filling in their usual tick box questionnaires about what triggers her anxiety. It was very much about CBT, giving her the techniques to handle her anxiety, making sure she knew that it was about giving her control.

It wasn't a quick fix, mind you- she spent a couple of years having that counselling. But it's all worth it now: I can't tell you how wonderful it feels to see her go off so confidently and expectantly.

I do hope you find something that works for you.

Thanks. I am going to talk to my GP without her to get a feel for what the other options are and the difficulty of helping her to see there is no quick fix. She always says she is tired too - which I am sure is partly stress but also just teenage wanting to lie about - but I worry I might have missed something physical. My GP is good and my daughter has seen her alone before so might go again.
Having looked at some of the other threads about teenagaers it reminds me how hard it is to keep perspective and really believe this will get better. She can leave me in bits having gone off in tears in the morning - like yesterday - but then is sunny in the evening, me having worried all day. I am learning how to bite my tongue and wait and also found a space for me to talk - main advice from this was to find time for myself, and me and my husband without the kids, which has got lost in all this.
It can be so hard with her anxiety though. If she is 'just' being an obnoxious teanager I can walk away but if her behaviour has been precipitated by anxiety (eg re school, schoolwork, somewhere she is supposed to go) if I pitch it wrong she can fall into a hole of panic. I am learning not to show my emotions too much as if I am upset she then feels gulity and I have enough of that for both if us. In my rational moments I can see we are making progress but it is all so exhausting

Am so glad to have just come across this thread - DD of14 has been getting increasingly anxious for the last year and has had 3 major panic attacks since xmas. Like your DD mine turns to me for all the support and reassurance - and I now realise I have to get help elsewhere. DH pretty useless at anything he can't 'solve' or 'sort out' and I have just booked an appointment to see the GP. Have been putting this off in the hope that this will all just go away - burying my head in the sand, not wanting her labelled as having any mental health issues which might affect future opportunities I guess - that, and feeling desperately sad and guilty for her. Like you I am exhausted by this as I seems to be all I think about - as if normal (!) teenage behaviour wasn't challenging enough!Trying really hard not to let her anxiety define her ( and the rest of us) but it is really hard. Hope my GP can offer some light at the end of what feels like a pretty scary tunnel.

I do hope you get the right kind of help, lizzie. Dd definitely needed that external help.

Personally I've come to worry less and less about having her labelled: far better to have the label "I was ill and organised treatment" than "I haven't got any qualifications and I've never held down a job".

As a university lecturer I see plenty of students who declare MH problems: we never hold it against them and are able to offer quite a bit of support. But much better of course to be treated before you get to that stage.

Lizzie ~ I've posted here before about my DD and her anxiety. She refused counselling, but what has really helped was this:

• very stable and comforting bed-time rituals (watch DVD together, hot bath)
• decent amounts of sleep

-Evening Primrose oil, Omega 3 Teensense, Floradix (for the iron), teen multi-vits, Kira Low Mood Tablets (St John's Wort - not to be taken with contraception and check for contraindications and suitability for your daughter).

• switching to really 'solid' evening meal with lots of carbs, veg etc.
• cutting out the additives and junk food and (so much) sugar.
• thinking in terms of stability and routine for her
• (when she was having panic attacks homeopathy really helped too)

I know this sounds a bit trivial and 'Woman's Own' ish! but it has made a big difference over the last few weeks. It seems to have stabilised her moods somewhat and settled her. I think I hadn't taken into account how volatile her hormones and emotions were (even if they were internalised and not as explosive as some teens, though they can be at times).

I hope this helps a bit. I do agree with others - it is not so much about the 'label' as taking some action.

Good luck!

Thank you so much cory and beelights - it means so much to hear from you. So easy to feel alone in this - and what good sense you both talk! I am much reassured by cory saying better to get it dealt with than to worry about labels - of course you are right. The tips from beelight really make sense as throughout her life DD has always benefited when we get more organised about things like meals and bedtimes - its just so easy to let go of these things and worry about 'over mothering' when they get older and to let other things become a priority . You are so kind to have taken the time to reply - thanks again