14 year old DD has suddenly decided to go and live with her dad and refuses to talk to me

[BaconFrazzles]

As per the title really :(

I split from her dad when she was 20 months. She is now almost 15. Her dad was emotionally and physically abusive towards me, and has always tried to get one over on me by having no rules or boundaries at his house for DD. He pays a pittance each month in maintenance, but thinks for that that DD shouldn't have to do any chores in the house and that DD should be allowed to do as she pleases, whether that's telling DH and I to F**k off, staying up all night on the computer, or watching unsuitable films. He only sees her twice a month and has wanted no other involvement in her life, and sees everything else as 'my' job (although he is quick to have a go at me when he disagrees with my parenting). His family are the same as him.

I met DH when DD was 3 and DH has been a fantastic dad to her. We have two other children who are aged 9 and 4. We are very liberal parents and aren't strict at all (although we do have rules and boundaries about the important things IMO). DD has a great life; she has lots materially, gets taken on holidays, lifts wherever and whenever she wants them, friends round whenever she wants etc. DD has quite a selfish personality, and tends to prefer whoever lets her do as she pleases. She hates doing chores in the house and hates any rules.

She had 3 detentions at school last week. It started with one and snowballed to three as she hadn't done homework and kept refusing to go to detentions. This culminated in her having a 2 hour long detention on Friday night after school. She wanted me to phone the school and say she couldn't do it, but I refused to as IMO she deserved the detention, and she threw an almighty strop. As punishment for her behaviour, we decided she could have no internet time for the next few days, and also that we would like to check her homework diary each day to make sure she is doing homework (we have had calls from her teachers saying she hasn't been doing homework)

She stayed with her dad for the weekend and suddenly last night her dad phoned me up and had a big go at me saying DD isn't happy and I'll have to 'tread carefully' or DD will end up 'hating me' and living with him. I said that if she wants to live with him then that is her decision but I won't be told that I'm a bad parent when I'm not. He said some awful things about me and DH. DD was meant to come home today and now the ex has phoned me today and said DD is going to live with him now and doesn't want to speak to me again.

My DD2 (aged 9) is so upset. DD1 sent her a message saying she 'hopes to see DD2 again one day'. DD1 won't speak to me or answer any of my texts or calls. Her dad says he's coming here tonight at 6 to get all her stuff.

I'm so upset. I don't know what to do. Her dad has said there is no point seeking legal advice as the non-resident parent has more rights than the resident one. Also he lives in a town 30 miles away. DD has just started GCSEs. God knows how she is going to get to school each day. Also he doesn't agree with discipline, or school rules, so no doubt things will go pear shaped for her at school.

Anyone got any advice? Have I just got to accept it?

She might just need a little bit of space. She's at that age where she wants to do things but doesn't want the responsibility. You seem to be teaching her well. You've told her you love her and are there for her. I would back off a bit now and let her get over her anger. We often make stupid decisions when we are angry.

Another thing to consider is to make sure other children in your house are ok, and not left out because the attention is focused on DD1. Try and keep things as normal as possible.

That's what I've been trying to do, Zippey. I'd hate for the other two to feel left out. DH and I took them out for something to eat tonight and I've got some nice fun activities planned for half term with them.

I agree, we do often make stupid decisions in anger. I have a feeling that her dad won't let her get over her anger though and will keep doing things to fuel how she feels about DH and I

You need to be calm and reassuring in all this. Let her rant at her dad and her dad rant back about you. They may 'bond' over this little incident but she will soon remember how you have always been there for her and the reality of living with her dad and his family may not be as rosy as she thought.
Like others have said she will miss her friends and if her dad won't be her taxi how will she see them.
BY staying calm through it all and letting her work it out in her own time you are being the more supportive. If you were to demand her back and have a go at her dad she is more likely to stay.
Re the things I would let her have enough clothes for the week, Put in some essential toiletries and tell Dad that if she is still there for school he can collect her uniform on Sunday. I would ask what he intends to do about school as if he is so lax he may let her stay off, for which you will get fined. Inform the school next week if she isn't back.

Oh get some legal advice as well. you do have rights. Make plans with the younger dc's as well they shouldn't feel that dd1 is more important then them

You cant control what her dad does or say. You can only control what you do or say. So try and be as good a parent as possible - and don't change who you are. It doesn't sound like you are doing anything wrong parenting wise. I agree that they will both discover in time that (her) having no rules or (him) being a cool dad and letting daughter who does as she pleases may sound like great idea's, but they will soon see that it doesn't work.

Id also add that its probably not uncommon that we think that we hate the ones we love the most. They say familiarity breeds contempt. Especially around teen years where they start wanting more independence. Its always a temporary thing, though.

Another thing is that it sounds like its a kind of game she is playing, to teach you a lesson, for laying down rules and not being on her side against the teachers. I think you did the right thing in siding with the teachers.

Many thanks again everyone. All of your replies are much appreciated.

Definitely going to contact her school first thing on Monday (we're on half term here currently). I will explain the whole situation to them, including her refusing to talk to DH and I. Her head of year is really lovely and I think she will be supportive and understanding.

It's really upset me now that my parents have got involved. They know my ex was abusive to me and supported his abusive behaviour, and all they have wanted over the years is to turn DD against me (my mum undermines me all the time with her). My mum didn't even ask if I was ok or upset or anything. She's even offered to my ex to do some ferrying around of DD between her new home and her school! Whereas when DD was living with me my mum wouldn't do anything to help me out.

Trust me.. Once the reality of having a stroppy teenager about full time and the work you have to put in.. I would hazard a guess he would be alright about her coming home.

Let him learn the hard way and enjoy some time with your other bairns without the drama.

I've finally managed to speak to her today, in Facebook chat. She's told me she's moving to a school in the town where her dad lives. This concerns me greatly as a) she has just started GCSEs in subjects she loves and is good at, b) she is currently at a good school and if she leaves there and then decides in, say 2 months time she wants to move home, she won't get a place at that school again, and c) the school she is moving to is awful, with a terrible reputation.

She has good friends at the moment and I just think it would be a terrible mistake to move schools. I told her I think it's a mistake and that she needs to stay at her current school but that obviously it's up to her where she wants to live and she just went offline and wouldn't talk about it.

Does he have the authority to move her school without your agreement?

You need legal advice fast. Certainly not ideal to lose her place at her current school.

I ahve no experiece so cannot offer advice but this would freak me out in GCSE years because if by Xmas she is unhappy at her Dads and wants to come home - even if she can get her place back - she will have missed so much work etc. God forbid she cannot get back into her school.

Its such a shame no one on "your side" or even a neutral person speak to her about this just to make her realise it wont be easy to undo if it all goes tits up. Its not easy to make new friends in Yr10 and wont she miss her friends? 30 miles is hell of a trek. Sounds like her Dad is being a totally selfish twat here too - fuelling all this and not actually stopping to think what is actually the best thing for her.

How about trying to call her school and ask to speak to HOY or Head Teacher. I know its half term and unlikely anyone will be there - but its worth a try. Just to explain the situation and see if any of them can actually speak to your DD and make her see the risk she is taking with her schooling.

Really hope someone in the know can offer you some good advice but I have to say I would be seeking legal advice 1st thing tomorrow morning.

Oh Bacon, I really feel for you. Your DD is playing games and pushing her luck, and if she wasn't getting a reaction, she'd soon give up. But unluckily for you - and her, though she won't realise it - her childish father is joining the game. Any responsible, adult parent in this situation would say "You need to sort this argument out with your mum, then we can talk about whether you want to move"... But instead he's using the situation to make himself feel better, and presumably to score points against you. :(

And your parents' behaviour is appalling. I don't know what they think they're playing at.

Your only option, really, is to continue to be 'grown up', even though they and your DD are not. It sounds like you're handling it very well, especially given the circumstances. I agree with others who've said "let her go; she'll be back", though with the adults around her playing games too, sadly she may be able to keep it up for longer.

As far as the school move goes, your concerns are reasonable, but if you voice them, she'll see another way she can wind you up. Instead perhaps you could calmly suggest a 'trial' period, saying something like "That sounds easier dear. It'll take a few weeks to arrange, and you'll want to be sure it won't mess up your GCSEs, so why don't you give it til Christmas, and move schools then if you still want to".

I think your best bet is to stay calm, and don't enter into any arguments or game-playing with her: let her dad deal with the drama for now.

Thank you everyone

Quick reply as just about to take the two littlies out, but I've spoken to a solicitor's office this morning and hopefully will be having an appointment this afternoon.

Oh Goodluck Bacon - it may just help to know what you can and cannot do in this situation .
I really hope it is of some help to you this afternoon. I am the mum of a 15yo DD in yr 10 and my heart goes out to you.

You are in my thoughts.

How did you get on yesterday afternoon?

Hi Flabby

Well, yesterday I phoned the local education authority and they said that my ex can't just move her to another school if I'm not in agreement and they asked me to email them a letter over stating what has happened and that I don't give consent, so I did that immediately.

I didn't have a solicitors appointment in the end, but I spoke to one on the phone and she said that the best thing to do is kick up as much of a fuss as possible with the LEA and with the schools so that she can't be moved for now, and that if I want to we could go to court to try to get DD living back at home again. I said to her that I'm keen to avoid court for now and to try to resolve things myself with DD. She said that it might be a good idea to ask DD's school to arrange a meeting next week with me, DD and school staff so that we can explain why moving schools now wouldn't be a good idea.

Oddly though, yesterday evening DD called me and said that she is probably now going to stay at her current school, even though it would mean an hour long bus trip there and back each day. I had a bit of a chat with her about my reasons for wanting her to stay at the current school but said I'd support her wherever she decides to live. She has said she may pop round tomorrow if her dad will let her, so it will be interesting to see if she comes round or not.

Thanks for asking

That all sounds much less out of control, Bacon. :) Maybe she'll have second thoughts!

Thats a relief and a starting point isnt it.

She sounds calmer and I expect the penny may already be beginning to drop in a small way that actually living with Dad maybe isnt all that wonderful. I expect she is missing her mates and once she starts the 1 hour commute to school and back - I think you stand a good chance of her making her own way back home.

Not out of the woods yet but it is sounding a little more promising.

Keeping everything crossed for you.

Bacon hope she comes round to see you tomorrow and gets bored of her tantrum. This must be v hard. Un-MN-y hugs.

I agree with NatashaBee. It does sound a bit like she has gone and blown off some steam and is now looking at things a bot clearer. I hope it leads to good news

Thank you everyone :)

Fingers crossed she comes home today for a bit. I'll update later and let you all know what happens.

You sound like a fantastic mum. I don't have your problems but I do have a stroppy 14 year old and can easily understand how they get themselves into a tizz like this. I really hope she comes home soon and am very relieved about the school. Your parents sound crap but I can imagine mine being similar as they live the drama. Good luck.

*love the drama

Is there any update to this?

Have been thinking of you and wondering how things are going. My db did exactly the same when we were young. He decided that the grass was much greener at dads as less boundaries and chores.

He only managed 3 weeks and then came home, as not enough boundaries, chores or food!

Just keep telling her you are happy to talk and that you love her and I am sure she will come round eventually. Teenage years are hell for all.

Hi all, just thought I'd pop back on and update, and ask some more advice too :)

Ok, DD is still officially living with her father, however I'd say she's now been spending equal time here for the past couple of weeks. She wouldn't speak to me at first but suddenly started speaking to me and being normal with me again.

However DH and I have come to the conclusion that DD wants to just flit about between both houses so that she gets the best of both worlds and doesn't have to do any chores or conform to any rules. Her dad, as I mentioned before, has no boundaries with her and no rules, and she likes being there as she can do what she pleases in terms of having a messy room, not having to do any chores, and going on the internet as she pleases. Also his wife does all DD's washing for her, whilst at home I was encouraging independence by making her do some of her own washing, and certainly putting away her own laundry and making sure it was all in the laundry bin!

Then the convenience for her here is that she has a very quick journey to school, she is near to her friends' homes, and she says she prefers the meals etc here. However on the times she's stayed she has basically expected a red-carpet treatment, wont' do any chores at all, expects everything to be done for her, and generally expects us to not have any rules as she's 'not here full time'

Her father has stopped maintenance, and now wants maintenance from DH and I, however as DD is here for equal time each week I don't think I should have to pay any maintenance.

I'm really unsure about how to deal with things with DD; DH thinks we should still adopt the 'if you live in our house, you live by our rules' line of thinking, and I do agree. However I don't want to annoy DD or make her feel she wants to move out permanently again. I think we really need to find the balance in the middle.

I just feel at the moment that DD has manipulated the situation to suit her, and to ensure she is getting her own way as much as possible.