Teenage DD is self harming!

[Oldbutnotwise]

I recently found out that my 13 yo dd has been self harming via a phone call from school. She apparently had a conversation with her boyfriend about it on his IPhone and his mum saw it & reported it! I feel totally devastated, I had no idea she is a bright, pretty & popular girl with lots of really good friends. She totally refuses to talk to her father & Me about it. We were calm and told her we are there for her but would not force her to talk to us as long as she talks to someone! We had always trusted her about her Internet use but on the teachers advice asked her to hand her devices over at night - I then discovered that she has been following self-harmers on various chat lines who photograph their cuts and talk of their right & joy of self harming! I was even more traumatised. I am terrified about the long term consequences this might have for her. I lurch from despair to anger and I cried for weeks! DD is totally oblivious to our distress & seems to act as if what she is doing is fine & nothing to do with us - she becomes very angry whenever we try to talk about it!
I feel completely lost!

I am so sorry. Iwas about to go to bed, but wanted at least someone to post, as you might get missed otherwise, with all the hoha about another poster.

I dont have much experience. Have school been helpful all? Given you any information or helplines?

You could speak to her doctor and get her seen by CAMHS (child and adolescent mental health service) but this can take a long time and will depend on your area/who you are assigned as to how effective this is. I can say that i have had friends who seriously slef harmed as teenagers and have dabbled in self harm and there isn't necessarily a sad ending to this. So keep hope, understand that she probably won't speak to you. And try to get someone else involved. Good luck.

Thank-you trish5000. School have been supportive but after stating they were organising for DD to meet with school nurse, they did not seem to follow up very well. They did not think camhs referral was necessary but I wasn't sure - I still think Imight go via GP. We are meeting with the head of year tomorrow so hopefully will sort something out. I don't know if they have suggested helplines to DD - she does not want to talk. Goodnight & thanks for your concern!

Thanks BitchytheGreat - it's so complicated because you feel like a total failure as a mum - & suddenly the child I thought I had is gone and now there is this person that I have to get to know all over again but who I know still needs me to protect her sometimes - its so scary I just don't want to make things worse!!

Tbh the referral lists for camhs are long, it can take an age to get an appointment. So investigating other routes in addition is always good. It will depend on the reason for the self harm too. Be prepared for anti depressants to be suggested if you do speak to the GP. Also DD will be resentful for school being so involved. So be prepared for backlash from the meeting. It won't be personal or though might seem like it. And school might have some helpful advice on how to try to help dd. unfortunately self harm is more common then people realise and start at a younger age then a lot of people know about. Some times it comes down to a feeling out being out of control and not liking what is going on and simply being unable to change it. Other times it can be down to bullying and self confidence/esteem. And there are many other reasons too. But be aware that the more she feels you don't trust her, in the short term the worse her behaviour may become. Again nothing personal just frustration. Do what you need to do to help her. Try not to take what happens personally. And may she get the help she needs.

13yo is a horrible age. hormones, discovering relationships, discovering a place in the world, pressure to figure out who you are, to fit in, to learn to become independant and grown up. I wouldn't want to go through that again. I was a horrible teenager. I do feel sorry for teenagers today, in some respects they have so so so much more pressure on them then we ever did.

Just remember her choice to self harm is nothing to do with your ability to parent. Also she is still the same person. It is just another part. It doesn't change who she is, it just shows another more vaunerable side. At the end of the day deciding to self harm doesn't stop her being her, and if the text hadn't come to light you wouldn't have known in a lot of cases. Yes it is something to be dealt with, yes it feels like hell to be so helpless and unable to make it stop (in the short term), but this can be worked through.

I don't know if this is something you would consider but we have a family key worker type person (one level down from a social worker) who spends time with ds fortnightly to help him work through his "issues" Typically this involves things like science experiements/cup painting/pool etc and a general chat. It seems to have helped him somewhat.

From what I understand self harming releases the pain and anxiety within them. Endorphins are released and it gives them a "high". Please try not to blame yourself. Just let her know your there for her. Try not to treat her as mentally ill or I'll ( she's not). Have a look on the Official Self harm support website. It will help you to see it more clearly.

For us, CAMHS helped because it showed my DD that we were serious about helping her. It did take about 6 weeks to get the appointment and we had another appointment at the start of term...they only offered counselling and my DD did not want to take that up. Our situation here got better over the summer break but now we are back although my DD is much better this year, I still feel it could go "either way". There has been some brilliant support and advice on this thread:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/teenagers/1782520-Self-Harming
The problem that remains seems to be that the worse she feels, the less communicative she becomes and therefore the more difficult it is for us to help her.

You need to find out if she is being bullied. Consider changing schools if necessary. Try to stop her hiding herself away--encourage exercise (this seemed to help my DD; I know they are all different). I know it is an awful shock to discover something like this...that your DD is not the person you thought she was and you feel you have failed as a parent. But it is not your fault. The challenge is to find the right way to help her. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Don't give up on CAHMS straightaway even if there is a waiting list. If she has got into the habit of self harming or is feeling badly stressed, the problems probably won't go away in a a short time span either, so you might as well be on that waiting list.

Make sure she's getting a multivitamin and mineral.
Zinc deficiency can cause a lot of problems like anorexia and self harming.

I don't think this has to end badly, nor do I think that she needs a referral. But you DO need to start communicating with her and each other.
Do you eat dinner together? And chat about all kinds of things?
Go on family trips?
Play board games?
Do you have a family pet?
Also taking away all her devices and supervising her Internet usage is a good idea. Install some spyware on the family computer.
Put the computer where you can see her using it.

And get he involved in some charity or voluntary work which appeals to her interests and nature.

Good luck!