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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Worried about DD not socialising

19 replies

cordyroy · 23/10/2013 21:55

Hello

I'd really appreciate some ideas as I am worried about my dd social/friendships. She is naturally a fairly shy and reserved girl and always has been. She's confident in her abilities academically and does very well at school but has never had a big friendship circle. She has a close friend from primary school but they are now in different secondary schools and don't see each other as often as they used to. She has made friends at her new school. Apart from one friend who she occasionally sees, she has virtually no contact with anyone else outside school.

It may be that she is just happy with her own company at the end of school week, but I worry that she would like to have more of a social life but is too shy/worried to suggest getting together on the weekends. I'm always suggesting inviting friends back for tea or arranging something for the weekend but nothing ever comes of it. It was so much easier at primary school as I could arrange things directly with other parents!

I do try to talk to her about it but she's quite evasive, I don't want to create a problem that doesn't exist but I'm really concerned that she is feeling lonely or left out :-(

Any ideas xx

OP posts:

Travelledtheworld · 23/10/2013 23:25

How old is she ?

Original poster

cordyroy · 23/10/2013 23:38

She's just turned 13

OP posts:

mrsjay · 24/10/2013 09:27

does she have friends at al at school ? TBH her pals maybe the same as her and quite happy at home at the weekend at just 13 some teens are still doing things witht heir parents at the weekend so they don't go out much, both my dds never really did the whole going to town every weekend they would go to the cinema now and again or meet in town occasionally, dd2 is 15 and she is quite happy at home and going out when there is something to do IYSWIm not just hang about, try and not worry most teens do their socialising with friends on the internet (does she have facebook yet) and by texting, try and not worry if she is happy enough at school and has some friends,

Madmog · 24/10/2013 10:04

My daughter used to see a lot of her friends outside school at primary school, but it is completely different since starting comp and she hardly sees anyone. There are a large group of eight who get together at breaktimes and she clearly enjoys theirs company - five of them meet up and walk to school together and three have confided to her about different problems they've had, so must like and trust her. The only time she's seen a friend outside school is when she went to a girl's house two weeks ago and she came back here last week. She does contact a couple on her ipod via facetime. If I contact a parent and invite their daughter, then she comes and they seem to enjoy it. My daughter spends a lot of time trying to get her homework right, so I think she is concentrating on this more than her friendships. I know the Mums of two girls in the group and they feel the same.

I'd like her to see her friends more outside school, but she does seem happy with the situation.

mrsjay · 24/10/2013 10:09

Maddog that seems to be how it works for some of them dd1 was a bit more social than dd2 is different strokes and all that , and yes some teens are always with their friends in and out of school and that is ok too

ashleysilver · 24/10/2013 10:47

I understand you are worried, but is she? If you describe her as 'a shy and reserved girl', she might just be a natural introvert. Rather than being 'too shy or worried' to ask others, maybe she just doesn't want that social contact and prefers having time on her own to recharge her batteries.

Also don't overlook facebook or whatever. My dd doesn't see much of her friends outside of school, but spends a lot of time chatting to them on facebook.

mrsjay · 24/10/2013 10:48

so does mine she goes on chat or she texts them they also do group chats on facebook so they are socialising just not int he traditional sense

Original poster

cordyroy · 24/10/2013 19:20

Thank you mrsJay and madmog, it's reassuring to hear that others at in a similar phase.

I think you might have hit the nail on the head ashley - she is quite an introverted character who enjoys a bit of space, which as an extrovert character who can't cope being at home/alone for more than half a day is a concept I need to get my head around!!!

She doesn't currently have facebook although she is pleading with me to sign her up. I worry about the avenues that fb opens up but maybe it's time to show a little faith in her. She has a phone and an ipad but rarely text/facetimes which makes me wonder why she wants fb.

Really appreciate your comments
thanks
xx

OP posts:

SatinSandals · 24/10/2013 19:29

I think it is quite common. Does she have an outside interest that she could get involved in?

Original poster

cordyroy · 24/10/2013 21:21

She's very musical and plays in a local brass band which she loves but again isn't interested in developing any social life with others involved. She also goes riding each week where there are other girls her age but she is just focused on the horses.

Maybe i'm seeing a problem where none exist but it's just hard not to worry!

OP posts:

SatinSandals · 24/10/2013 22:13

I think that you are seeing a problem where none exists.
She has made a successful transition to secondary school, she is confident and doing well academically, she is happy with her own company and she has two big outside interests. She is quite young and may well change later. Trying to push her to be part of a social circle will probably be counter productive.
I would say that either you are a very sociable person and can't understand an introvert or you were very like her as a child and want her to be different. The best thing is to relax and just support any ideas that come from her.

Original poster

cordyroy · 24/10/2013 22:22

Thank you.... I will sit back and let her find her way!

OP posts:

SatinSandals · 24/10/2013 22:37

I was very shy at that age and the worst thing would have been my mother seeing it as a problem and trying to organise me. (I do understand why you want to, but try and resist)

mrsjay · 25/10/2013 08:46

because they ALL have facebook and honestly that is how they socialise these days (god I sound ancient) she is 13 trust her a little bit have her pass word make sure you know who she is speaking too and who she adds and she will be fine,

SatinSandals · 25/10/2013 08:48

I agree that you need to let her go on FB, they are all on it and she is missing out. It wouldn't matter if she wasn't showing an interest but she is pleading to go on.

mrsjay · 25/10/2013 08:54

I agree that you need to let her go on FB, they are all on it and she is missing out.

This she may add people from school and never talk to them but I think that they like to fit in and be the same as everybody else and she is not the same as her peers so she might feel a little left out, Op teenagers minds baffle me too

livinginwonderland · 25/10/2013 09:48

Yes, let her have Facebook. If she's a bit shy she might find it easier to talk to people online, and if she sees her peers are going out or whatever, she might ask to join them :)

bakehouse · 25/10/2013 12:46

Yes she might feel really out of the loop if she doesn't have Facebook. Most of my younger DDs (14) social life is planned on there via group chat messages etc. Party invites/events etc are always on there too, I can't actually imagine how they would function without it which may be sad but its true!

Original poster

cordyroy · 25/10/2013 17:20

Thank you all for your comments, I really do appreciate your perspective on this.

Looks like I'm out of touch with teenage culture, God how times have changed since I was one (which admittedly was a long time ago)!!! I take on board all your comments and looks like we're moving on to the next chapter of teenage life !

OP posts:

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