Need Perspective

[LaydeeC]

I am out of my depth.

Some background, I found out, from her HoS, just before the summer hols that my 14 yo daughter had been self harming. She started seeing a counsellor at school and she has harmed once since then.

I was devastated but held it together, talked with her (got a bit angry), talked some more. Read a lot about it and have tried to be supportive. I have realised that she would not simply be able to stop so haven't removed the blade that she uses and have tried to help her with regard to keeping wounds clean etc.

Last night she told me that she cannot remember the last time she was happy and that she feels 'heavy' all of the time but doesn't know why.

I have tried to talk with her to find out the 'root' of it but she just keeps telling me she doesn't know. As much as it hurts, I want her to tell me what it is because I can't 'fix' it if I don't know.

Our home life is quite difficult. Her older brother is autistic (high functioning) and has been pretty awful to her in the past (verbally aggressive, even sometimes physically aggressive). I know that his diagnosis upsets her because she feels 'cheated' out of having a brother that she can do things with like some of her friends and she honestly believes that we love him more than we love her as he takes up so much of our time.

She also goes to a highly selective school and there is a lot of pressure on her to do well and she thinks she is unable to do so. It doesn't seem to matter how hard she works she rarely gets high marks/results in tests. She is, in lucid moments, able to see the context of this in that she is in the lower quartile of a highly capable group of girls but when she is down she can't see through the fog and melts down.

I am posting because I simply don't know what to do. Is she depressed? Or is this 'normal' teenage angst? Although she says she isn't happy, I know that she can be - and is often having fun.

I have offered to take her to our GP to talk about things (either with or without me present) and she says that she doesn't know if she wants to.

I don't know how to make her feel happy and I feel utterly devastated.

LaydeeC, what interests does your daughter have outside of school? I'm wondering whether there are any other "outside" adults in your DD's life who she could turn to, who are outside of your family. Also, are there any support groups for siblings of children with autism in your area - this link has some listed.

If she is suffering from depression or an anxiety disorder then she won't necessarily be able to tell you what is causing it: it would be a bit like asking somebody how they can have cancer when they are so bright and have so much going for them. It just makes you feel guilty and doesn't actually take away the cancer.

Otoh anxiety can easily be triggered or exacerbated by e.g. difficult home circumstances (just like stress can worsen an asthma attack in susceptible people).

I would start by suggesting that you should go and see the GP. He can do a quick form filling exercise to estimate if her levels of stress/anxiety are such that she needs specialist care and if so can refer to CAHMS. Dd has filled in these forms many times and they are quite thorough.

Self harming is often portrayed as if it were some silly fad that teenage girls get into. I don't believe that. I think it is more often than not something people do because they are already hurting and self harming is a distraction: like digging your nails into your palm when you're at the dentist's. Happy healthy teens aren't going to go cutting themselves just because it's fashionable.

It could well be that having a sibling with SN is a stress factor. It could well be that pressure at school is a stress factor. A good counselling programme would be about teaching her how to handle stress in a constructive way rather than removing it iyswim.

Dd has had CBT therapy for anxiety and is vastly improved; it's been like getting a whole new lease of life. She has needed medication as well, but it wasn't something they rushed into: they took a long time to decide and we were involved in every stage of the process. I can now leave the house without worrying about what I'm going to find when I get back. And her little brother isn't worrying either, which is even better- having a sibling with SN does take a toll, and it has impacted on his childhood.

Thank you all for taking time to reply.

Yes, having a sibling with SN does take its toll. I am acutely aware that the stress levels in our house may well have more than contributed to how she feels. My husband and I seem to bicker constantly. I understand about trying to make her explain the cause of her unhappiness (funny enough, I can hear her singing in the kitchen as I am typing) and how it would be difficult for her. I guess I was hoping that someone would say that how she is feeling is how most teenage girls feel at some point and that everything will be ok.

It's funny how her opening up leaves me with the 'heavy' feeling she is trying to tell me about - although really only heavier as I already had it. But I guess I can contextualise my worries and she feels overwhelmed.

I am also not here enough. I work very long days (full time) along with a lot of weekends. She spends a lot of time in her room. I am comforted a little by her lack of self harming recently. She has told me that she doesn't want to do it because it doesn't solve anything and afterwards, she still feels the same with added guilt for doing it.

My poor little girl. I just want to make it better for her. I will book an appt at the GP but I don't hold out for an appointment any time soon at CAMHS (although she is known to them via her brother) so guess it may well be a private practitioner.

PeterParkerSays - she has singing lessons, french horn lessons and goes to Woodcraft Folk - all of which she loves doing. I think she should join more sporty type clubs (such as rowing) as she is a little overweight (which I think is also a problem for her as a lot of the girls at her school are stick thin) as this would provide exercise as well as a social group outside of her school. I do think that her school environment puts her in a little bubble where failure is a big no no and it is completely out of context with the outside world. I have offered, too many times to count, to move her from school to our local one but she is adamant that she likes it although constantly seems upset at not being as clever as the other girls.

Gosh, I'm so tired of juggling.