Struggling to show sympathy...

[TellMeWhyBuster]

I've name changed for this.

My 17 yo DD took a load of pills on Saturday night. She was at a friend's house and had been drinking. She took the pills from his family's medicine cabinet. She told me yesterday afternoon what she'd done, so about 12 hours after she'd taken them. After phoning 111 I took her to A&E. She was kept in hospital last night and has been discharged today. The CAHMS team manager saw her this morning and will arrange some follow up treatment. I managed to hold things together yesterday but spent last night in a frenzy of anxiety because I know that paracetamol can have delayed toxicity. Fortunately, her blood test has shown she was marginally under the level of concern. If the pills had been 500mg instead of 200mg she would be in serious trouble now.

She did a similar thing a couple of years ago. On that occasion, she had a CAMHS assessment, but persuaded them it was a one-off and they said they didn't need to follow up any more. This time I have asked them to make sure they follow up, even when she tells them she's fine.

I feel like a bad mum because I'm struggling to feel sympathetic towards her (although I can hardly stop crying when she's not in the room with me). As soon as she was admitted to the ward yesterday evening, her first concern was to ring her friends and get them to come to the hospital and see her. I went home to get her pyjamas and by the time I got back, one of her friends was already there. It was like she was giving them an audience, almost relishing the attention. I had to leave because she made it clear I'd served my purpose, but also I found the sight of her 'cockiness' so unbearable. She was discharged about an hour ago and already one of her friends is at our house being regaled with the overdose 'anecdote'. I really don't think she understands how much danger she was in.

I'm worried sick about her, but really struggling to show any sympathy towards her when she seems intent on milking her situation for all it's worth. Does anyone have any wise words please?

I totally understand you feeling angry that she's milking attention from such a potentially dangerous and stupid act.

She clearly wants attention; can you go away with he anywhere for a few days, have some walks and spend time listening to her?

Can you discourage the friends? If she's left looking at walls and thinking about it she might start to feel a bit silly.

Poor you, what a fright you must have had.

I can recommend family counselling; would you all be willing to consider it? Painful and awkward but helps everything out into the open and teaches families how to communicate.

Thinking of you

Than you for understanding, Hanging Garden. Going away sounds like a good idea, but we're quite short of money (understatement). I will definitely think about it, though, and see if I can come up with something cheap and cheerful we could do together.

DD is already having counselling - well she's supposed to be, but often doesn't go. If I'm home from work in time, I take her but she point blank refuses to get in the car sometimes. I'm about to start having counselling myself through my work OH scheme. I don't know much about family counselling. Is it something CAMHS could sort out maybe? Usually DD communicates well with me - if anything she has a tendency to over-share sometimes!

Thanks for the

I think you should try to have a good long chat(s) with her and once you feel good enough rapport share with her how you felt.

We do chat a lot. I know she's worried about what she did because she keeps asking me if she's definitely in the clear (physically). I've reassured her that she is, but have also warned her that it could have been very different if she'd taken a few more, or if the pills had been same quantity but 500mg. I really feel I need her to understand that. I can tell she's worried deep down and that the other stuff is just bravado. I've tried to discuss the 'whys' etc., but she just keeps saying 'I don't know. It was a spur of the moment thing...' No-one had upset her beforehand, she was with friends at a gathering at the time... I don't think she knows why she did it, which is the scary thing. If there was a definite trigger it would make more sense.
I will eventually tell her how I feel about what happened but I don't think this is the right time. I'm too angry and upset. She's too fragile.

Then concentrate on your own counselling until you feel strong enough to deal with her. Maybe your counsellor could recommend family experts.

Just take care of yourself, the old oxygen mask thing about putting yourself first so you're string and safe.

Take care and hope things ease up. You are dojng something right if she's talking to you that's for sure.

It doesn't sound like you're without compassion, TellMe, but just that it's mingled with anger - and currently overshadowed by it. I definitely understand the anger: I was furious the one time DS1 self-harmed.

Fwiw, my DS is currently on his way home from A&E, having drunk so much alcohol that NHS Direct sent an ambulance when I called them for advice. I didn't go with him, and I'm pretty pissed off too.

Bloody teenagers. Is it their sense of immortality that lets them gamble so wantonly or recklessly with their lives?

Sorry to hear this flow, and TellMeBuster.

I know about the anger. It is a normal and natural reaction. You love this child more than anything in the world and somebody has tried to hurt her. Your reactions aren't magically going to disappear because it was the child herself.

We had family therapy through CAHMS- it was recommended as part of dd's treatment - and that really helped, because the counsellor took charge and made us all confront our feelings about it. I think it also helped her to make her feelings of guilt manageable; before she tended to shy away from other family members' needs because adding anything to her own load just seemed unmanageable. Family therapy helped her (and us all) to see the family as a unit where all the parts have to function. Particularly important for her younger brother that he got somewhere to utter the words "I am frightened".

Thanks cory and flow.
I've been at home with her for the past two days and her mood is awful. She's developed a cold (my fault!), doesn't like any of the food in the house (my fault), her room is a mess (my fault). I've offered to help with her room at the weekend but she's slammed the door and flounced off in a temper. I'm just on tenterhooks all the time.
I'm sorry to hear about your son, flow. How old is he?
What you write makes sense, cory, I am angry that she has caused herself this pain.

I hope CAHMS does offer some family therapy.

Oh my God, if my DS would behave like this, the shit would SOOO hit the fan...I am not one who holds her anger in...if I am angry he is going to know about this...

It's just important not to be mean or unfair when angry and afterwards there need to be big hugs and a plan how to work things out in the future.

I think holding in all the anger can often make things worse...but that's just me....

I'm not sure what you mean, Palika? So if your DS took an overdose 'the shit would hit the fan'? What would that achieve?
Also, having been on the receiving end of my ExH's explosive anger, I think there's something to be said for 'holding it in' sometimes*. I don't think feeling angry entitles you to explode at other people. Anger is not always rational, after all.
*I do think there are other ways of letting out anger - talking to friends, a counsellor, coming on Mumsnet...