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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Teenage daughter is having sex with boyfriend and wants to go on the pill

22 replies

Spanishmama01 · 21/10/2013 12:34

Hi This is my first post on this forum and I hope that you mums out there can help me if possible.
My 16 dd has been seeing her boyfriend for about 6 months and announced the other day that she wanted to go on the pill, I suppose I had been expecting it if I am honest, but then went on to say that they were all ready having sex but using condoms....I was so shocked as we have a good relationship and talk about most things, and I have always made it clear that if she were to decide to have sex then she should discuss it with me first, I feel so disappointed on so many levels : (
I dont feel that she is mature enough to handle this situation, I am cross that she has gone ahead without telling me, sad that she is now all grown up etc etc. I havent told my husband yet as I am not sure how he will feel, though I am planning to tell him this weekend, tbh I wish that I was still living in ignorant bliss!!
I need to sit down and have a proper conversation with her about all this but honestly have no clue where to start!
I have read some of the other posts on here about teenagers and actually do feel that this is quite a small problem compared to some of the other posts...it just feels humungous to me! Would appreciate any advice or alternatively cyber hugs :)

OP posts:

readysteady · 21/10/2013 12:37

Hugs to you as she is growing up but to be honest you are a little unreasonable to expect her to discuss it with you first. It's great you have such a brilliant relationship. You should feel very proud of her and of course support her in finding the right contraception for her. Make sure you are there for her and that she is happy learning about relationships and knows you are always a listening ear xx

AnythingNotEverything · 21/10/2013 12:40

I understand you're disappointed that she didn't speak to you first, but it's good that she's speaking with you about this now. She could go to the doctor's without your knowledge and do this anyway.

I would be keen to advise her that the pill doesn't prevent STIs (so maybe she and her boyfriend should start a routine of checks), and that hormonal contraception doesn't suit everyone. You also have to be VERY responsible about taking it ie same time every day, looking out for side effects etc.

To be honest, I wouldn't go back on the pill for all the tea in china - it's not the silver bullet it's made out to be.

mermaidbutmytailfelloff · 21/10/2013 12:40

I would give the the number of the local clinic and send her on her way to it. She is 16 and legally old enough, and has proved to be sensible enough to do something about contraception.

I think the time has come to cut the apron strings.

And the alternative? You say no and what happens? The condom splits and she ends up pregnant anyway. she isnt going to stop now.

Original poster

Spanishmama01 · 21/10/2013 12:49

Thank you so much for your replies! I probably am a bit over protective, and she is off for half term next week so I will take her to the doctors and get the pill sorted...I really am trying to decide why I am upset, and I do think its the fact that she didnt speak to me first...but better late than never I guess! I am also dreading telling my OH as she really is a daddies girl and I am sure that he will have a hard time dealing with it...or alternatively he will handle it better than me :)....I just wish that I could keep her little forever...(clearly not an option!)
Thankyou again, I think that I need to get my head together and stop being an old prude xxx

OP posts:

usualsuspect · 21/10/2013 12:51

I think she's old enough to go to the Drs on her own.

readysteady · 21/10/2013 14:09

I know you want to have a part in her life but as much as I agree a close relationship is fantastic between mother and daughter and that she should be able to come to you for advice. I do think it's too much to have expected her to check with you first and that you are disappointed with this. Hey I didn't check with my mum if it was ok with her if I had sex!!!!!!! You need to be there for her but step back I don't think you need to have intimate details of her sex life so let her speak to the doc alone unless she wants you there xx

LunaticFringe · 21/10/2013 14:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dyslexicdespot · 21/10/2013 14:28

Her sex life is her own concern, and she is really not obliged to share it with you. Try and be happy that she decided to, she obviously wants you to be an active part of her life.

As other have said, point her in the direction of the nearest sexual Heath clinic and let her go alone or with her partner.

specialsubject · 21/10/2013 16:09

if she is old enough to be playing hide-the-sausage, she's old enough to go to the doctor alone. Encourage her to make the appointments and start managing her supply of the pill, making sure she never runs out. She needs to continue with condoms as backup and because she doesn't know where he's been.

also to be aware that the pill only works if taken and that she may need to try a few brands.

don't go with her - you won't be doing it forever so why start now? The fact that they are using condoms is a good sign that she can be responsible.

sashh · 22/10/2013 12:20

Would you tell your mother you were about to have sex? Really? I don't mean at 16 I mean now, can you imagine picking up the phone and saying, "hey mum, just to let you know I'm going to DTD today".

There are things that I think few of us share with our mothers and when we have sex is one of them.

Agree with her going to the Dr on her own.

mrsjay · 22/10/2013 14:34

MY eldest dd went to a young persons health clinic to get her pill she didnt tell me which i didnt expect her too, I didnt tell my mum when i first had sex , you dd is 16 I know it is a shock but her sex life is private at least she spoke to you about it let her go to the drs for her pill you dd and her bf are young consenting adults her sex life is nothing to do with you imo, I know you might have wanted that warm mother daughter relationship but I would rather curl up in a ball than talk to my mother about sex

mrsjay · 22/10/2013 14:41

my post looks a wee bit harsh didnt mean it to be it is difficult to accept they are growing up and when dd1 was at that age i was a bit hurt she wouldnt talk to me about stuff but at least your daughter and her boyfriend are being safe and all you need to do is get her to the Drs or see if there is a health service run by youth services in your area they can get prescriptions for the pill there,

eightandthreequarters · 22/10/2013 14:48

I would take her to the doctors, just to make sure she goes, and tell her to ask about all the different options - everyone THINKS they'll take the pill every day on time, but it is truly critical. Have her sort a phone or email alert to remind her. Let her know about the morning after pill, how quickly you need to take it, and how to get hold of it in a hurry. Take her down the pharmacy to fill the prescription, then take her out for a cake and talk about anything other than sex! I think her asking you this proves you have a close relationship and a responsible DD. You done well there, OP!

Pipparivers · 22/10/2013 14:54

Dissapointed??! Your 16 year old dd is in a relationship that presumably she is happy in and is taking precautions to prevent an unwanted pregnancy. There are a number of things that would make me feel disappointed this definitely wouldn't be one of them.

viperslast · 22/10/2013 15:24

I agree with what other posters have said that expecting to be told beforehand is unrealistic. Nice as it would be this is one of the first major decisions they make for themselves, it is a big deal and very personal. You should be celebrating the fact that she has come to you now not being upset she didn't come before, it is testament to your efforts

However I don't agree that you should send her to the gp alone. She has just taken a massive step into adult relationships, it is a bumpy time and she needs to know that mum is still there behind her for when she feels the need to retreat back to teenage girl for a moment. I don't mean take over, just be present and supportive. She should make the appointment, she should lead the discussion, she should explain what she wants you just need to be there whether that is outside in the car, in the waiting room or taking a quiet seat in the consulting room. Whatever your dd wants. Just stick to being the support not the lead and your relationship will benefit.

Just a question, why are you telling your dh? Has she asked you to? Many young woman really do not want their fathers to be told these things in black and white. It is her decision to begin a sexual relationship and it is her decision who she tells and when. I would just urge caution, she has shown wonderful trust in you so don't break her confidence unless you can rely on your dh not to change towards her in any way.

Original poster

Spanishmama01 · 25/10/2013 20:33

Hi,
Thankyou all so much for all of your comments, I cant tell you how much it has helped!After reading some of the comments I think that I should say that for the majority of my childhood my mum had quite severe depression and would go for many weeks if not months of not speaking at all so I always swore that i would have an open relationship with my children, but when this is not the norm for you this is very often not an easy thing to do, I thought that I should mention this as open discussion is not very comfortable ground with me and sometimes I feel like I am just feeling my way in the dark! I have told my other half who was really very calm about the whole thing, she is booked in for the doctor next week and I have told her that she should go on her own as I feel that she should be able to speak openly to the doctor without worrying what mum is going to say.
Again really many thanks to everyone who has left a comment, I think that by the time that she is 20 I will have got the hang of this parenting lark!
xxxxxxx

OP posts:

mrsjay · 25/10/2013 21:30

spannish my eldest dd is 20 im still winging it It must have been hard for you my mum was also not very talkative with me growing up I also wanted that relationship with my dds but as somebody told me when i was a bit with dd going on the pill , the friend said quite crudely what did i want her to say oh guess what mum me and my boyfriend were at it like rabbits last night, I thought maybe npt

Iwantanelephant · 25/10/2013 21:35

She should definitely go on the pill but still use condoms. I am a bit you expected her to tell you first, almost like asking permission before she slept with her boyfriend. It is her life and her body. Did you discuss it with your parents before you had sex?

I must be getting old as in my day I was totally not allowed to have sex at all and when my guardian found out I was on the pill she was livid.

I plan to be completely different with my children.

Awks · 25/10/2013 21:40

From my pov it wasn't that I thought she should tell me first, but i thought we had such an open and close relationship that she would want to tell me when she felt ready. But I was wrong and like you she told me afterwards and I did think aaah fuckit.

Anyhow, 5 years on, we are still close, she's very sensible and in a loving relationship (not with the same boy).

If she wants you to go to the drs with her then do, but if she doesnt mention it then leave her to sort herself out x

gamerchick · 25/10/2013 21:41

From what you've said I think you've done a pretty awesome job already. She's doing all the sensible things.. that's all we can hope for

Personally I would suggest the implant instead.. its real relief when they've got that in.

Good luck.. you're doing mint.

JohnnyUtah · 26/10/2013 14:48

Is there anyone on here who told their mum before they started having sex? I think that would be really unusual. I certainly didn't!

Ireallymustbemad · 26/10/2013 15:11

I certainly didn't tell my mum first but my sister and her bf sat and discussed it with my parents first!!!! A couple of years later when my mum found out I was active (and sensibly on the pill) I was treated like a bit of a slapper. I was 18 and in a good relationship.

I'm glad you're coming round to the idea OP and that she has an appointment booked. I am only at the beginning of teenage parenting and it's not easy.

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